Let's Be Awesome This Year!

This past month has been a blur as is often the case when the holiday season is upon us. Many nights I would tell myself to sit down and write something, but it just never happened. I am not going to beat myself up over it though. I was living life and not just writing about it!

Many people have been reminiscing, looking back and reflecting on 2014. Lists are big at this time of year. Here is my 2014 end-of-year list:

Most Memorable Moments

 (not necessarily in any particular order of importance!)

5. Moving On

This year I moved, literally. After living with many shortcomings and frustrations, we decided to move into a new apartment. Our new place is not perfect, but it is miles ahead of where we were. I also moved on to a new job. Not a new career, but a new job at a new school, teaching a new grade. While neither move has been perfect and I didn't necessarily find the changes I was looking for in these new situations, I am happy that I made the choice to try something new. Being stagnant, refusing to take risks and living with what makes you unhappy is not the way to live. If you don't try to change, you will never know what you are missing!

4. Jay and Jackie's Slipknot Date... Finally

If you know Jay and I, you know that we met in an interesting way. Back in 2001, I was desperate to find a driving buddy that would be willing to take on a 10-hour trek to Chicago to see The Pledge of Allegiance Tour with me. It seemed at the time that no one loved Slipknot, System of a Down, and Mudvayne quite as much as I did! Finally, a friend at work gave me a phone number and I called and spoke to Jay for the first time. He was hesitant to go. We didn't know each other and he was pretty broke at the time. I talked him into it though and we were ready to go when 9/11 went down. The concert was cancelled, but our relationship was not! Thirteen years later, we finally saw the 'Knot for the first time together. I was pretty epic and special and weird. I'm happy I am writing about it "Before I Forget"! Get it?!

November 20, 2014 - Slipknot at the ACC. It must be love!

3. The Injury

Ugh! Not all memorable moments can be good! This year I was grounded by a crappy injury that probably actually occurred in 2013. I wouldn't admit I was injured though, so nothing was really done about it until 2014. What did I learn from this injury? Well, I learned to listen to my body. If something hurts, like hurt-hurts, don't ignore it. It might not just "go way" and you can't always "play through the pain." I also learned not to give up. I was devastated when I couldn't train. I got depressed. I thought I was never going to bounce back. I did though. I had a lot of support. I started small. My amazing instructor modified conditioning for me. She watched what I was doing and made corrections so I wouldn't aggravate or cause new injury. I learned these tricks and I focus on form much more now than I ever did in the past. I helped a friend perform in her showcase. Then, I was ready to perform a short piece of my own. I came back! I am getting stronger. But, I am also aware now. So, what was bad, turned out to be a good thing!

2. Nuit Blanche and Cascade

This was my very first public performance. It was my very first paid gig. It was amazing! You've seen the pictures. I've gushed about how amazing it was, but did I mention it was one of the Top 5 Dance Shows of 2014 according to Now Magazine writer, Kathleen Smith? No? Well, it was! I won't bore you with all of the details again though. But, it was so inspirational! Since Cascade, I have applied for other opportunities to perform publicly. I've participated in events like CCAFT to learn and extend my knowledge and understanding of the world of circus. I will be writing a blog post for the upcoming Circus Sessions held at Habourfront Centre. I am hoping this is just the beginning for me and I will surely be expanding my circus repertoire in 2015!

Cascade at Nuit Blanche 2014 - That's me up there!

1. The Year of the Baby

So many beautiful babies came into my life this year! I have a new niece, born to Jay's brother and sister-in-law in September. Izzy is a beautiful and happy little girl. We had the chance to babysit the little angel in September and even though it wasn't always smooth, we had a great evening spending time with her and getting to know her better. Then, T got a new baby brother! Austin was born to my sister and brother-in-law in November. It's been interesting balancing visits with the family now. Teya is very active and loves to play with her Auntie and Uncle, but it's also fun to get in some snuggle time baby Austin. He is very smooshie and loves to curl into you and sleep and sleep. Being the first boy in the family, I have made a few diaper change errors that have resulted in people getting peed on! Whoops. I'll learn. Finally, Christmas Day brought the best gift of all to a friend and her partner - a new bundle of joy. I haven't met him yet, but I am really looking forward to snuggling this little guy too!

Baby Austin and Auntie Jackie

While I am not sure if motherhood is in the cards for me, I am always in awe of how a baby changes a family and brings so much joy and happiness to the lives that he or she touches.

Honourable Mention

Well, I started this blog this year. It's been pretty great! I love all of the feedback that I get from friends. I have learned that sharing my journey can help others. I have learned that it's not a bad thing to be vulnerable and ask for help. People are willing to help! Whether it's the messages I have received or the advice I have been given, I appreciate it all and look forward to another year of sharing with and learning from all of the amazing people in my life!

I also got to spend more time with my favourite niece! T and I are best of buddies. She loves playing circus with me and dancing crazy dances. She loves coming up and spending the weekend at our place. I love seeing her grow up! I love seeing her and Jay play together. I hope upon hope that our bond gets stronger as the years go on and I don't turn into her boring old aunt! 

And of course, it is time to make some New Year's Resolutions!

1. I resolve to be less materialistic. I am going to refrain from purchasing new clothes and instead get further into clothing recycling. I can sell/trade items that I am not using any more and buy from resale/consignment shops. I guess I will by my underwear new!

2. I resolve to eat vegetarian more often. I already do a pretty good job of this, but I would like to eat completely veggie at least 2 days a week.

3. Hug more! I am not a touchy-feely person, but I'd like to be, so I resolve to hug more people and do so more often! Spread the love :)

4.  I resolve to stretch more often and condition with more vigor! The two go hand-in-hand. If I condition more vigorously, then I need to stretch more often, right?! So, here's to a year of skin-the-cat, windshield wipers, leg lifts, pull-ups and happy, flexy muscles!

There's more - business ideas, relationship plans, spending time with friends, finding a better work-life balance. I know there's more, but I don't want to over-extend myself! So, I'll leave it at that for now.

Happy New Year everyone. I wish you all of the love, happiness, hope and glitter that a new year offers. Let's not waste it. Let's be awesome!

Cheers, Jackie

And We Wonder Why People Don't Get Mental Health Help Before It's Too Late...

On September 20, 2014, I contacted my doctor's office in need of help. I asked specifically if I could speak to my doctor about some mental health issues that I had been dealing with on my own for quite a while. I was feeling overwhelmed and I was feeling like I was drowning.

This was a big step for me. If you've followed my journey so far, you will know that I have not had the best of experiences with mental health professionals in the past. It seems as though this will not change for me unfortunately.

I was told by the woman arranging appointments that my doctor was on vacation and she wouldn't be able to see me until well after she returned because she needed to see her "urgent care" patients first. Blow number one in my pursuit of mental health.

On October 25, I finally made it into my doctor's office. She did all but laugh at me when I was pouring my heart out to her about my feelings of anxiety and depression. At one point, she actually looked at me and said, "Awwwww..." as though I was a child who had scuffed my knee. She continued on to say that at least I wasn't as bad as some of her patients who suffer from depression because at least I knew why I was depressed. Huh? Thanks for making me feel like an inadequate whiner. Blow number two and three.

She went on to print out some book suggestions that I should read to help me. You know, because I wasn't as bad off as her other patients suffering from depression. When I pressed her to speak with someone, a mental health professional, she hesitated before telling me that she hadn't had great luck with the social work team that works in their network. Then she changed her mind and told me that because I wasn't too badly off, I might have some success talking to them, unlike her other worse-off patients. Great. Way to instill confidence. Now I know that your sub par team can at least handle my measly issues. Blow number four.

It seems as though she was right though. I waited two weeks for a call from the social work department. Apparently, they conduct "intake interviews" over the phone with new patients. The call never came, so I called back. I was told I would get an email soon to arrange a time. It never came. I called a week later and finally they set up a time for me. It was difficult because they wanted to talk during the day before 4:00p.m. and I don't have a job that I can step away from to make or take a call. I was finally able to make an appointment for November 25. A full 2 months from the date I had first reached out, I was finally going to make contact with someone.

Do you want to guess what happened yesterday? No call ever came. What did I do? I called the office back today. They could not tell me why I wasn't called. They were kind enough to help me make another appointment though. It's on December 22. I am supposed to wait another month just to speak to someone on the phone. Blow number five and six.

I know that our medical system is overwhelmed with people looking for help and I know that the mental health system is in even worse shape. That being said, when people are brave enough to reach out for help, someone should be there to help them. They should not have their problems belittled. They should not be put on hold for months. They should not be brushed off completely. It's a disgusting and terrible thing to do to someone who needs help and has asked for that help explicitly.

Thankfully, I have a good network of support. I have people. Not everyone does though and those are the people that I worry about. Mental health issues are real issues. We need to do better. I am sick of hearing about people harming others and themselves because their mental health needs were not addressed. Unfortunately, as I have learned all too well over the past months, mental health needs are the last ones to be addressed by our healthcare system. It's shameful. But, if you've experienced what I have, don't give up. Keep reaching out and eventually someone will take your hand.

Cheers, Jackie

Shifting, Changing, Moving, Growing

Can I just say, "LIKE WOW!" because the universe, she is a shifting, changing, moving and growing. I am going with it. With the flow!

I loathe to start out with this, but what happened to the weather?! Why is it so cold? Why did it start snowing so early? Why is it so dark all the time? I fully realize that I live in Canada and the winters are brutal, but they usually don't start at the beginning of November in my neck of the urban jungle. Hopefully this frigid weather is just a sign for all of us to wake up and smell the crisp, cold air! The seasons, they are changing.

My family is growing! It is officially baby season. Well, baby season started a little while back when my new little niece was born to Jay's brother and sister-in-law. Now, my sister is ready to pop! Little baby Chalmers is scheduled to come out of mommy's nether regions THIS WEEKEND! So exciting! I hope he or she comes on time. We're all sick of waiting!!

Uncle Jay and T at the Toronto Santa Claus Parade!

A nice little family pic at the Metro Toronto Zoo!

To help mommy and daddy relax before the new baby comes, Jay and I had T over for a sleepover this weekend. Holy crap, can that girl go! The zoo, crafts, dance parties, Care Bears movies, karaoke, walks, hot chocolate runs, and The Santa Claus Parade! Jay and I even had one parental argument, but we really tried not to fight in front of the child. That's just not good parenting, ya know!?!

All-in-all, it was an awesome weekend with two of my favourite people. And, I got to go to The Santa Claus Parade, which I had never done before. For a girl that enjoys glittery, shiny trinkets and things, the parade really sparkled! But, don't get me started on the adults there. Not worth my time and energy to bitch about their behaviours. In short, it was embarrassing and inappropriate on so many levels! Parades, especially ones that involve Santa, are for kids people! DUH!

I can honestly say, that in addition to all of the changes around me, I am experiencing some real internal shifts as well. My mindset is shifting in good ways. I have finally made peace with the fact that my career path is going to change sooner rather than later. It might not be a dramatic change all at once, but I am definitely making steps towards my future goals outside of the teaching profession.

This first step has been to realize that my happiness outweighs the nagging doubts I have within myself and hear from others. I have come to terms with the fact that I don't need as much money as I think I do. Why not? Well, if I was happier and more fulfilled in other areas of my life, I bet I wouldn't be trying to stuff the empty hole inside of my chest with designer jeans and boots all the time for one thing! Retail therapy is fun in the moment, but isn't really the best answer to all of life's problems.

I am also coming to realize that I don't need the approval of others. I am a grown up. I am a strong, independent 35-year-old woman. I have traveled the world. I have two degrees. I have a stable long-term relationship. I certainly don't need other people telling me what is best for me. Only I know that!

So, I am moving on. I am moving on from unhappiness. I am moving on from self-doubt. I am moving on from the consumer traps that this world we live in lays out for us. Not completely and not all at once. But, I am moving one step at a time in the right direction.

Cheers! Jackie

If You're Going to Go Out, You Might As Well Go Out With a BANG!

Take your seats. The show is about to begin! Les Coquettes go out with a BANG!

When La Minouche spoke to the audience at last night's farewell Les Coquettes Cabaret Burlesque show, BANG!, and asked us if the show had ever lifted us out of a dark place or time in our lives, I clapped and shed a tear. I'm sure many other audience members did too. I am sure we have all had our different hardships. I am sure we have all had different experiences at a Les Coquettes show that have helped us too.

Maybe Charity Dawn and the Mohel made us laugh with the number Let's Duet. Maybe Dew Lily thrilled us and made our naughty bits tingle with his Junkie Nurse act. Maybe we watched in awe as Charlotte Webber or Suki Tsumani dazzled us with their aerial strength and beauty. Or, it could have been those stellar pipes of Dante Inferno belting out Lorde's Royals that brought a smile to our faces. It could have been one of these acts, or it could have been any number of their other amazing pieces!

I have so many amazing memories of Les Coquettes, as a fan, a friend and a volunteer. Five years ago, I went to my first Les Coquettes show. It was one of their (in)famous Halloween shows. I had never experienced burlesque before and to be honest, I've never experienced any other burlesque troupe since. I haven't felt the need to shop around looking for better entertainment in the scene. I don't think there is any other better entertainment out there!

Shortly after seeing my first show, I started to volunteer as an usher at their performances. I haven't missed one since. At first, I was very intimidated by the women and men of Les Coquettes. I saw them as the stars of the show and I saw myself as someone less. I would sneak into their dressing room and drop off my bags and change my clothes and head up the stairs to start my usher duties. I would say "hi" to one or two people, but I didn't want to get in the way. What a fool I was!

Soon enough, each member of the troupe made me feel welcome. These people are not only beautiful on the outside, they are beautiful on the inside. There was never a shortage of kind and encouraging words in the dressing room. When I saw how they treated each other - like a family - I felt more comfortable too. Soon my sheepish "hi" and "bye" became longer conversations and shared laughs. Soon, my blushing at a compliment became a returned compliment or a playful slap on the bum.

The funny thing is, as my comfort grew, my attire shrunk! Les Coquettes inspired me. There is no one type of beauty in that dressing room. All the women and men are sexy as hell, but they certainly are not all the same shape or size. They are sexy as hell because they are confident. They carry themselves with confidence. That is beautiful. That helped me to become more confident and not be ashamed of how I look, or self-conscious, or feel the need to cover up because of anyone other person's expectations of me.

But, returning to last night's show. One of the special things about Les Coquettes in the integration of aerial into their show. Of course, this is one of my favourite aspects! My very preggo silks instructor and friend, Charlotte Webber, AKA Natalie Fullerton, choreographed a beautiful, complex and compelling routine for her very best friend and "hetero lifemate" Suki Tsunami, AKA Lara Ebata, and damn! It was out-of-this-world! But, it made me cry. Not ball or weep, but shed a few tears.

If you weren't there, it will be hard to articulate the powerful message this performance made. To me, it truly was all about how we need to look for the light in the darkness. It was about how it is OK to reach out to those you love when you need help to get through a difficult time. It was about friendship. And, it was about loving each other. It was special. I am going to cry again while I write this. Damn it!

I need to thank my friends in Les Coquettes. Some of you I know very well. You have been a shoulder for me to lean on. You have been an ear when I have needed it. You have kicked my butt and made me stronger both physically and emotionally. I spend more time with some of you than I do with my own family, or friends that I have known for decades. I know last night wasn't goodbye. You're stuck with me!

Some of you I only see at shows, but you are amazing. La Minouche's/Catherine's blog, Playboy Mommy, is an inspiration. Her open and honest dialogue about all things is refreshing and I hope I can emulate some of that here. I want to learn the art of burlesque and dancing in high heels from Dew. I am going to work out with the Carpenter. And, if I can make other connections with other members, that would be amazing too!

What I am saying, is that I am grateful I had the opportunity to meet these wonderful individuals and that I could be a small part of their Les Coquettes family. If any of you are reading this, you are all very special and you'll be missed by many! Thank you bringing some light into my life. Thank you for allowing me to open up and be more confident and sexy. Thank you for being my friends! I will save images of all of you in my memory and when I need a little pick-me-up, I'll picture you shaking your glittery tatas or thrusting your scantily-clad pelvises in my direction!

When will I get to wear my false eyelashes, fascinator and leather bustier again?!

 XO, Jackie

P.S. Thank you to everyone who spoke to me or left me some kind words last week. I am still struggling with many unresolved issues, but knowing that I have a strong network of support means the world to me! Thank you for caring!

Where Did the Motivation Go?

I try to keep this as a positive place. A place where I can share and reflect on the good things that are happening in life. There are always good things happening in life, so why focus on the negative, right? I try. Today, I am losing that battle. Today, I am sharing a bit of rawness with you because my emotions are feeling pretty raw.

Nothing new has happened to bring on these thoughts and feelings. In fact, I have struggled with being a positive person for most of my life. When I was younger, a shrink did a number on my emotions at just the wrong time in my development. Needless to say, she took a fairly normal child that made a mistake and was facing a difficult situation at home and talked that child into depression.

To clarify, I got into some minor trouble by drinking too much. Alcohol poisoning isn't that uncommon among teenagers, but I got caught. The courts looked at a family situation that was happening and deemed it necessary for me to see a psychiatrist. For weeks I listened to her tell me I had suicidal thoughts and was trying to kill myself by drinking to excess and I said, "No. That's not me. I am OK. I made a mistake. It was only once." I was 14 years old though. Eventually, I started to believe her.

For the next three years I struggled with cutting, depression, more drinking and drugs, cutting class, fighting (verbally and physically) with people at school and my family. My younger sister couldn't stand to be in my presence. I would hit and throw things at my mom. I would lock myself away and cut and cry. I would ditch school all the time. One time, I ran away from home for 4 days. Another time, I evaded arrest. Yes, picture me running away and police chasing me. It was a difficult time in my life.

I am sure if I was a child now I would have some specific diagnosis. Oppositional Defiance Disorder is the one that springs to mind. Back in the early nineties though, I was told I have a problem with authority and anger management issues. I wasn't medicated. My family and I were left to deal with my issues and I think we did a pretty OK job. However, all of those feelings still exist in me.

As an adult, I have learned to control deal with my issues. Lately though, not so much. The weight of various issues in my life is pulling at me. I feel trapped and in general that my life is in a huge rut.

What's worse, is that a few weeks ago, I was on top of the world. Summer had just ended and I was feeling optimistic about a new start at a new school. I was on a circus high thanks to great workshops at CCAFT and a real sense of being a part of a community that I loved and appreciated while we rehearsed for Cascade. After Nuit Blanche ended I experienced a serious crash though.

My new school life is not what I was hoping for when I left my previous job. Being a new school, there are serious gaps in literally everything. Every day is a challenge because we don't have computers or supplies.  There are no consistent routines and the students are running wild. The academic output from the students has so many holes and gaps, I have no idea where to start most days. I am frustrated that we are not making the progress that I would like to see. The fact that most of my colleagues feel the same way is not boosting my mood in any way either.

Looking back, when I was surrounded by people at CCAFT, I saw and heard about the amazing things that Social Circus can accomplish. I spoke to inspirational people. I had ideas and leads and I was ready to take on a new initiative in my life. Now, reality is all around me. As I mentioned above, I have issues to deal with all day at work. I have marking that needs to come home at night. I have progress reports that need to be written. I have parent meetings, staff meetings, committee meetings. What I don't have, is time to work on my own passion projects.

Work takes over.

That's where I am at. I haven't moved ahead in anything. In fact, because I feel so emotionally shitty, I am not working out as much as I should. I am tired. I feel drained. I know in my heart and in my head that working out would make me feel better, but I can't get myself motivated. To do anything. And, that puts me into a negative spiral. Everyone around me suffers when I feel this way because I pick fights. I am just not nice to be around.

Ironically, as I am writing this post, the principal of my school sent out an email about "the teacher mindset." She included a link to a blog post about how to deal with these feelings. But, what do you do when you feel this way, but you don't have love for the job? If you feel like reading the post it can be found at:

The Teacher Mindset

I have to do something though. I can't sit here and wallow in my out self-pity. So, I have contacted a personal trainer. That gets started on October 28, and hopefully pushes me to take better care of myself physically and mentally. I am also going to see my family doctor. I should not be having anxiety in the car on the way to work. I should not be crying over my job. I also don't want to be medicated, so I am interested to see what direction she points me in when I see her tomorrow. It might go well. It might not.

I also have to speak with the people closest to me. There are things in my life that need to change, but require more than just change from me. That's the hardest part of transformation - the parts you don't control. I want to spend more time with friends and have their support, but we all need to make time for that to happen. Also, significant others need to be on the same page and working towards the same goals and sometimes that consensus is difficult to come to when you are at different places.

Reaching out though is the first step. It's a good step. I hope to make many more positive steps as I work though these issues. Thanks for listening and reading this far. It means so much.

Pause and Give Thanks

This weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada. I have to take a moment to reflect on what has been happening in the past two weeks. Life has been hectic, but surprisingly, not stressful. I have been existing in a constant state of movement, but I have also been very still and had the opportunity to meditate like I haven't ever meditated before. It really has been a special time for me.

On September 30, Jay and I reached another milestone in our relationship. We celebrated 13 years together. How amazing is that?! It's difficult to find many people these days who are willing to stick it out in any relationship - marriage, friendship, job - for that long.

My sweet Jay really is an amazing person. He is so selfless and supportive. I have been running around like a crazy person dealing with work changes, rehearsals, performances and more and he stays home and he cleans up after my messes. He helps with dinner or just makes it himself. He rubs my sore body. He makes me laugh. He hangs out with my mom and sister, even if I'm not around. He drags himself all over Toronto on cold evenings to see me hang in a warehouse. I love that guy and I am thankful for him being in my life!

I have been asked many times by many people, why we aren't married. Well, to tell you the truth, I consider us much more married than most married people I know! We didn't meet and then, after a year, get engaged and then, after another year, get married. We have been through it all! Well, not all of it, but lots of it. And, we have made things work for us. A piece of paper isn't going to change anything. In fact, I recently heard that the more you spend on a wedding, the more likely you are to get divorced. So, there you go. We have spent nothing on a wedding, so we'll be stuck with each other forever and that's just fine with me!

13 Years of Loooovvvee!

Did I mention he came to see me hang in a warehouse after entertaining my mom and sister for the afternoon? It was about 4 degrees Celsius late on Saturday, October 4  and early on Sunday, October 5, 2014. That didn't seem to stop me from sweating when 7:00 p.m. rolled around and it was showtime. I ran around that warehouse and hugged all of my friends who were there. It felt good to have that last little bit of friendly contact before taking to the ropes for the performance of Cascade.

An amazing thing happened though once the music started. My nerves started to dwindle as I was shaking through the first part of the performance. It felt good to just let go and embrace the movement. I kept my eyes closed most of the time, but when I did open them, it was amazing to see how many people were watching, taking it all in silently. Occasionally, I would see my mom and sister, who were sweet enough to come up and support me. Sometimes I would see Jay or another person taking a photo, but I tried not to let my ego get in the way of the movement. I let the shaking take me away from that place and it felt good, especially as a person who can admit to being too concerned with outward appearances and how other people see me. I am thankful for those moments.

Shaking it Out for Cascade at Nuit Blanche

 Once the climbing began, I had to become more aware. I had to see the other artists because I needed to be sure I was differentiating my height and movement from theirs. Once I started looking around, I also saw more of the audience. It was a generous crowd, which can be nerve-wracking. Everyone was so respectful though. A few people walked by me on the way out whispering thanks and praise. It really was quite amazing and I was on a performance high for the rest of the night. It took me all the way through to my 4:00 a.m. performance, which I think might have actually been stronger than the earlier one!

Hanging, Alienhead, and my fanclub!

 In addition, I had the privilege of watching some of the most amazing artists/performers/athletes I know of create magic with their bodies. I watched in awe as men and women pulled off amazing acts of strength and beauty in the wee hours of the night after already performing for 3 or 4 hours. I am humbled. They were all amazing. Everyone was amazing. I am so thankful for the experience and having met new friends and gotten to know old friends better.

Amazing artistry performed by Laura and Natasha

 So, within the chaos that is life, it is possible to find the quiet moments if you look for them. And, we should all pause to meditate on what we are thankful for in this moment. If you choose, shaking is an excellent way to loosen all of those ideas and thoughts that seem to be intertwined within us. Just let the movement take you away!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Jackie

Contemporary Circus Arts Festival of Toronto: Day One Social Circus Discussion Panel

A couple of years ago, I started thinking about the future of my career. As a teacher, I was already burnt out after 5 years on the job. I still am. I don't enjoy going to work. Most days, I literally dread the idea of getting in the car and making that 40-minute commute north of the city. On really bad days, I get serious anxiety. I have even cried in the car in the parking lot before going into the building.

You might ask your, what's so bad about it? You get a sweet pay cheque and a pension when you're done. You have summers off. Your days start at 9:00 a.m. and end at 3:30 p.m. (in my dreams), so things are pretty darn good. From the outside, those are all great! I don't deny the fact that summers off are amazing. I am not one of those people that complain about pay. I am certainly not at the top of the pay grid, but I am comfortable. But, when you work with people, and children in particular, you run into all kinds of obstacles and red tape that have nothing to do with that cool stuff I just mentioned. And, those obstacles and red tape make my job so shitty.


Does that mean I don't want to teach any longer? Not necessarily. I just need to find my niche. I need to make the best of my situation. So, going back to a couple of years ago again, I started thinking about how I could mix my love of circus with my day job. I had a very lofty dream of starting some sort of private arts school that would focus on core curriculum for half the day and then arts and physical education, including circus arts, for the other half of the day. I have the teaching know-how. I have some foundation in circus arts and many friends who have arts-based backgrounds. I am not a businessperson though and to start a private school, I would need to have a business plan and a substantial amount of start-up money. It seemed more than a bit daunting and I lost hope that I could ever pull something like this off.

Over time, my mind drifted back in that direction though. How can I make this work on a smaller scale? How can I combine my love of aerial arts and my background in teaching? Then, I started hearing about "social circus." Well, I didn't actually hear it being called that. What I did hear about was a woman in the Toronto-area that runs a programme called Talk to Youth Lately.

Angola Murdoch, founder and artistic director of Lookup Theatre, came into one of my silks classes to sub for my instructor, Natalie. In conversation, she brought up this programme and the amazing work that she is doing with youth aged 16 to 30 who suffer from mental health issues. I was instantly interested and wanted to speak with her more about this amazing work. She is based out of Owen Sound though in the summer months, my time off, so I didn't really have a chance to touch base with her and learn more.

I do want to learn more about these programmes though. And, there are many of them around Canada and around the world. I had to opportunity to begin my learning journey on Wednesday, September 24, 2014 at a Social Circus Discussion Panel held by the organizers of the Contemporary Circus Arts Festival of Toronto. I can't wait to share more with you about this panel and all of the amazing things that they are doing. It really got my brain juices flowing!

Rebecca Leonard moderated the panel discussion. I have heard about this woman so frequently in the community, but I've never met her until now and I certainly didn't realize the extent of her work in social circus! The rest of the biographies I am going to borrow from the event details provided to me through CCAFT. "Social Circus arts have come alive in diverse communities for the past 19 years. CCAFT provides a rare opportunity to meet with some of the prominent groups who are doing groundbreaking work in social circus in Canada. We are delighted to have a full spectrum of  social circus models & practitioners on the panel including Anik Couture/Cirque du Monde-Cirque du Soleil’s Global Citizenship, Helen Donnelly/Sr. Therapeutic Clown practioner, Marsha Kennington, Social Circus instructor, Angola Murdoch/Talk to Youth Lately T.T.Y.L., and Neal Rempel/Circus, Art & Magic Partnership C.A.M.P. "

They said so many things that struck a chord with me. They are working with people in South Africa, Columbia, Mexico and right here in Canada. Their programmes provide those in need with an outlet to express and explore their issues through physical activity - the circus arts - and discussion with social workers and counselors. They provide instruction, equipment and sometimes just time off the streets. They work with the poor and needy, addicts, runaways and marginalized communities in places most of us would shy away from. Their successes are amazing. Their challenges many. But, they don't give up on these people. They work with them and try to create sustainable growth in communities and people long after they are gone. So inspiring!

When they opened the discussion up to the audience, I was so nervous to speak. I literally felt the heat rise in my cheeks. I blushed because I was so impressed by the people I was surrounded by! I had to ask them, "Where do you start?" It's a question that I've been struggling with. But, I got an answer. I hope that one day, sooner rather than later, I can connect with the National Circus School in Montreal and take their programme that instructs individuals in leading a circus programme in the  context of social education. I was provided the information and contacts, now all I have to do is take that step. Additionally, I plan on connecting with Angola and volunteering with her TTYL programme and see what it's all about and learn from her and the people she works with. 

The seed has been planted. Now, I need to nurture that seed. I need to move forward and learn and grow. Isn't that what it's all about? I've felt like my energy and creativity and drive has been stifled by the job I am in, but I am not a quitter. I am an adapter. I will adapt and make my situation better and in the process, hopefully make other people's situations a bit better too. My journey may not take me the same direction as the speakers I heard from yesterday. I see myself working with younger audiences. I see helping them to build strong physical and emotional foundations in themselves so that they may not have to face the challenges of the teens and young adults that others are working with now and, if they do face them, they are better equipped to deal with them. If you're a teacher, a performer, a social worker, or just a like-minded person, let's get together and talk and learn and grow something amazing together!

 

Cheers, Jackie

Busy, Busy, Busy!

Hey! This week has been mad busy! Our new school, Anne Frank Public School, is finally open! It's the first Anne Frank Public School in all of Canada, ya know. That being said, I had to move in. I had to get boxes from my storage bin out to the school. Then, I had to unpack. I didn't go in on the weekend though. No way. That's crazy. The room will get done, when it gets done.

More importantly, I had Nuit Blanche rehearsals - (My hobby is more important than my job, ya know!) on Friday and Sunday evenings. AH-MAZING! If you go see this show, it will blow your freaking mind!

Saturday was no less busy. Jay and I went to see one of our favourite bands, The Architects, at the Opera House. They are great. So much energy. Their songs are so heavy, yet melodic, yet catchy. Love them! Loved it!

But, I've been busy. So, instead of writing a big post today, I thought I would stick in a clip of my silks performance that I created for Jamie Holmes' student showcase last summer. It features a song by The Architects called HyperRedSuperGiant. It's a great instrumental! Additionally, you lucky folks get to read my monthly newsletter that I send home to parents.

I hope you enjoy both! Cheers, Jackie

September Student Newsletter

Pushing Personal Boundaries

Sometimes it is better to put off until tomorrow what you planned on doing today. Yesterday I had planned to write a post. It was pretty scathing. I don't know what my problem was, but I was pissed. I was at the throat of the world for no apparent reason and it would have come out in my writing. I didn't post and now I feel better for it. Today I have a positive post. A post that means more to me than complaining about the actions of others. This is a post about pushing my own boundaries.

I have never been one to shy away from a challenge. Since I was a toddler, I have dove head first into things. Sometimes my actions were funny. Sometimes they were scary. As a teenager, I pushed every limit placed in my way, whether real or perceived. Didn't we all though?

As I grew up, I looked to push my boundaries in different and more productive ways. I moved to Toronto with a friend and we decided that we would rent an apartment as opposed to living in university dorms. We weren't afraid of the big bad city. When I found myself bored of school, I signed up for an exchange programme and headed to Australia for 6 months by myself. When I decided that teaching was going to be my career, instead of waiting for an Ontario school year to start, I jumped on another plane and headed back to Oz to get my Masters of Education.

Since my last adventure, I have settled considerably. Having a full time job comes with responsibilities that I don't always love. I have rent to pay, make car, insurance, student loan, and credit card payments. The list goes on forever. I can't just jump up and jet away anymore. It's sad, really, but I am certainly not alone! With these responsibilities, I have to look for new ways to push my own boundaries and test my limits.

I push and test and push some more through my aerial practice. Aerial work is a test of my physical boundaries as well as my mental and emotional limitations. The first mental block that I experienced a new aerialist was to actually start. Starting is a big deal. I cannot tell you how many times I have told someone what I do and they say they could "never" do that. If you can get passed that and get to a class, then comes the physical part.

Many of us have watched in awe at professional aerialists. Their grace, strength and beauty make this art seem effortless. It's not! It definitely takes effort. I went into classes assuming I was strong from going to the gym. I was, but I wasn't. I couldn't climb. I couldn't invert. It was frustrating. I wanted it, but my body said nope... in class one... in class two... in class three... and maybe by class four I started to get it. But, I had to come back. If I had have let my physical limitations put up a mental block, I would not be where I am today. And, where I am today is awesome!

I am not saying I am awesome. I am saying that aerial has brought me to a place where I am surrounded by awesomeness. Yes, the physical boundaries that I see people push themselves towards are amazing. The women and men I train with are true athletes and artists. I see them and I want to push myself to be better, and stronger. It's not always easy though.

Recently, I was sidelined by an injury. It happens. It took months to diagnose a herniated disc in my neck. During that time, I experienced pain both mentally and physically. I was weak. My body would not, and could not do what I wanted it to do. Mentally, I was depressed. I was missing my practice and my friends. I was worried I wouldn't be able to get passed this roadblock. With the support and kindness of my aerial instructors, a touch of physiotherapy, an amazing osteopath, and the love of my aerial family, I slowly made my way back to classes though.

At first, my boundaries were very constrained. I could only do certain movements. After half a class, my body was done and I had to call it quits. It was sad to leave class just as the others were getting ready to learn a new sequence or drop, but I had to take it easy. Soon though I could take full classes. Then, I was able to put together a short performance for a student showcase. Next, I tried an old drop that I knew well. Finally, I performed a longer piece at a second student showcase. I am so grateful for the opportunity to perform. It really did put me back on track. It gave me confidence in myself again. I was able to push a little further in the next class. Now, I am pushing myself farther than I ever have before.

I will be taking part in an epic aerial undertaking called "Cascade." This piece is the brainchild of an amazing Toronto artist, Brady Leary, and Anadam Dance Theatre, as well as other visual and musical artists. Sixty aerialists will be shaking and climbing and hanging and descending ropes from 7:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m. on the evening of Saturday, October 4, 2014. Never before would I have felt comfortable to do this kind of postmodern, endurance-based, dance-aerial performance. To be honest, I am terrified. I question my abilities daily. However, I know that physically, I will be able to push myself to my limits safely. Mentally, I will be able to overcome my doubts and self-consciousness and be open to this new experience. Emotionally, I can overcome my fear of performing and being judged by an audience. If I let these boundaries get in my way, I would miss out on this amazing opportunity, and I am certainly not going to let that happen. Not now. Not ever.

Cascade: A small waterfall, typically one of several that fall in stages down a steep rocky slope. This beautifully cascading waterfall can be found outside Cairns, Queensland, Australia. Apparently, they filmed those hair-flipping, shampoo commercials at the base of this waterfall!

So, please don't limit yourself. Try something new. Take a risk. Push your boundaries. The daily grind really is monotonous. There must be more to life than getting up, driving to work, putting in your time and driving back home. I hope to see you at Nuit Blanche's Night Circus and our performance of Cascade!

Cheers, Jackie

Fashion Friday is Now Style Sunday!

Fashion Friday is now Style Sunday. It doesn't sound as good, does it? This first week of school was hectic! I am trying to stay on my training schedule, so I went to silks class on Tuesday even though I felt like a zombie. It was the right thing to do though. Collective Space really is a happy place for me and the women there make me smile! After working out, I always feel better about the day too.

I got to spend even more time with my silks family on Wednesday as many of us headed down to the  Grand Chapiteau and enjoy the Cirque de Soleil show, Kurios: Cabinet of Curiosities. What a wild ride! I've been to many Cirque shows and this had to be one of my favourites. Everything was so whimsicical. They actually had a Tea Party on the Ceiling! Also, going to see professionals perform is such an amazing and inspirational experience! I am totally ready to jump into my training with two feet and challenge myself more and more in the coming weeks!

One of my favourite fashion friends was with us on Wednesday night. Lara has to be one of the most fashionable folks that I know. I love to see what she's up to and what she's wearing! She did not disappoint on Wednesday. Her orangey-red, super-wide legged pants were amazing! Paired with a great striped crop, she was on fire! Then, what did she do once the temperature dipped? She brought out a black fringed poncho that I had to touch! So soft. So swingy. So much fun! I was certainly jealous of her look that night and also took some inspiration from it!

Finding the balance between work-appropriate apparel and every day fashion has been tough for me over the years. I enjoy a daring look. I don't mind showing a bit of skin. Obviously this doesn't fly in front of my grade 4 class though. So, how does someone like myself balance work wear, casual wear and my budget?

My favourite store of the moment has to be Aritzia. I love their clothing. Everything is so chic. Their trend pieces are not over-the-top. The quality is fantastic. Putting together an outfit from Aritzia has never been an issue for me. Pricing can be a challenge though. Many of their pieces cost over $100 and I can't always afford this price point. When I am feeling light in the wallet, I head to my favourite secondhand stores. I am not talking about the Salvation Army Thrift Store or Value Village. I am talking about great higher-end used clothing stores like The Kind Exchange and Common Sort.

If you haven't been to either of these stores, go now! Kind Exchange has many locations around Toronto. Selection varies from location to location. My suggestion is to travel to a location near a wealthy neighbourhood. I live near the Beach in Toronto, and there is never a shortage of my favourite brands there. Recently, I bought a beautiful Wilfred dress at The Kind Exchange in the Beach that retailed for $165 at Aritizia for only $30! Not too shabby.

Common Sort, located in Parkdale and Riverdale here in Toronto, tends to carry more higher end, curated items. Their selection process is very picky. I went "back-to-school" shopping at Common Sort in August and spent close to $200 on a variety of items ranging from purses to pants. If I had been so inclined, I could have purchased a beautiful, no lustworthy, Rebecca Minkoff purse for a mere $170. The rich burgundy leather and gold chain shoulder strap almost lured me in, but I couldn't. I didn't. I did however score a black silk Wilfred hoodie. It's amazing. Now that the weather is cooling down in the evenings, I look forward to wearing it often!

I paired a few of these "new-to-me" items with some of my own to create fun, back-to-school outfits. Nothing too drastic. I have to introduce myself gently to this new community. Wear to do like to shop? What are your money-saving fashion tips? Don't keep fashion secrets! Share them with us. We need to know!

Finally, I will apologize for the selfies. I hate selfies. I hate that you can see my yucky kitchen in the background. I will work hard to not take anymore selfies! I promise that my fashion picks will be nicer in the future!

Cheers, Jackie

Friday's outfit. Wilfred T (purchased new, $40) and pants (purchased at Common Sort, $25).

Thursday's outfit. Wilfred top (purchased new, $50) and Citizen's of Humanity jeans (purchased new, $125)

Tuesday's Outfit. Gap tank (purchased new, $16) and Wilfred Skirt (purchased at Common Sort, $22)

 

Have a Happy, Healthy Back to School!

Today is the day. The final day. That day. I almost dare not say it, but I will. It's the last day of summer vacation.

As of yet, I don't have many friends with school-aged children. My niece is beginning junior kindergarten this year though. I know that my sister has been nervous for months. Will she have the right teacher? Will she get along with everyone? Will they get along with her? What sort of disease and sickness will she bring home? By the way, she will bring home every disease and sickness! Kids are gross. And, finally, what will she eat?

Like many kids, my niece lives off of peanut butter. Nuts are so taboo in schools now due to severe allergies, that this just will not do. No it won't! I am also a nut lover. I mix nuts into most snacks to get some added protein and energy, and to stay fuller longer.  My sister has opted for soy-based products to substitute in T's lunches. In moderation, this is a fine option for a child, but for me, not-so-much. I find too much soy causes weight gain, moodiness, and hormone fluctuations that I just can't handle. With this in mind, I turned to my facebook friends for help.

The first suggestion I received was roasted legumes. That is what I am trying this week. After ruling out using canned stuff, I went to Bulk Barn and picked myself up some dried chickpeas and got to work. Overnight soaking, boiling, skimming, rinsing, roasting, and tossing led to some lovely honey cinnamon roasted chickpeas. I will take them to work and enjoy them all week!  Take a look at the finished product below and check out the recipe here (with savoury options): Healthy Snack: Roasted Chick Peas

honey cinnamon roasted chickpeas

This leads me to my final point today. Being healthy takes time and effort. I could have went to the grocery store and picked up any old prepackaged snack option from the shelves. There are enough of them, but they are full of sugar, fat, and preservatives of unknown origins and pronunciations! I could have cut my prep time in half (and tripled my sodium intake!) by buying canned chickpeas. However, I chose to put in the time and effort to make myself something healthy and satisfying because I am worth it. My health is worth it.

I spend hours on Sundays buying and prepping food for the coming week. I want to know what I am eating. I want to know where it came from. It is late summer in Ontario and local produce is abundant and I am going to buy it and support our farmers! I prefer to buy from a local farmers' stand/market, but some grocery stores do a great job of stocking locally-sourced produce. FreshCo is the best one I've seen in my neighbourhood. Loblaws it the worst and stocks mostly US and South/Central American produce.

I am off to make my favourite Quinoa Protein Bowl. It's my go-to lunch of choice. That might all change though as I get used to whipping up goodies in my new food processor! Have a happy, healthy Labour Day. To any teacher friends and parents, good luck tomorrow! Next up, Fashion Friday. What does it mean to wear "teacher clothes"?!

Cheers, Jackie

Let Me Introduce Myself

I am going to begin by giving credit where credit is due. A Tea Party on the Ceiling would not be a Tea Party on the Ceiling if not for one of my beautiful and talented friends, Haley. While learning a new sequence in silks class one evening, she quipped that we all look like we're having a tea party on the ceiling. If you knew the sequence, you might agree! I liked how it sounded and it stuck with me, so here we are.

Next, I have to thank another one of my beautiful and talented friends, Jackie. We were discussing blogging one day in the car on the way to, or from silks class (not sure which) and I said blogging might be an interesting way to write again, but who cares what I have to say?! She said that I might be surprised. I hope I am because I'm putting it out there!

Hi! I am Jackie. I am a teacher by trade, an aerialist at heart, a fashionista when money allows and a metal fan for life! Of course, I am many, many more "things", but it's difficult to distill myself into one comprehensive list! I hope to use this forum for many purposes. I may share recipes. I may share lessons. I may share anecdotes. I may share successes. I may share frustrations. Regardless, I hope that I can find joy in writing about these events in my life and that I might share something that others can relate to, find meaning in or just enjoy!

I am sure with the new school year fast approaching that I will find many things to write about in the weeks to come. I am sure will you hear about the excitement and newness that September brings, along with some of my frustrations! Let's sit back though and just enjoy this, our first tea party on the ceiling!

Cheers! Jackie