Moonlighting for Circus Sessions

Hey all... Just a brief repost of a blog I wrote for the Circus Sessions happening at Harbourfront Centre May 11-17, 2015. Greg, my muse, was super-cool and has mad skills. Check him out and check out my blog!

Don't Drop the Ball: Object Manipulation

Chasing Rainbows

If you follow my writing, you might know that I began a new job this year full of optimism that a  change of location was going to make me happier in my career. I soon found that this was not the case. I went from hopeful to defeated in short order.

In my search for some answers to how I was feeling, I began to see a psychiatrist earlier this year. While I don't always agree with him and what he has to say, he has opened my eyes to a few of my own issues that need to be resolved. One of them is this need to remove what is making me unhappy by running away.

I am sad to say, that I am still running. I have spent the past two months applying for jobs around the board where I work. I have applied for approximately 15 different positions at different schools. My criteria has been fairly general in that I am looking for junior or intermediate positions that will put me closer to home and in a different region of the board from where I have been teaching for the past 7 years.

From all of my applications, I received one call back for an interview and I didn't get the position. I now feel even worse than I felt before. I am frustrated. I feel like I am not good enough and no one wants me.

To make matters worse, I feel like I am not "good enough" compared to my colleagues at my current school. It used to be that when the head honchos came to visit, my classroom would be part of the tour. I was doing great things. I was making a difference in the school. I was making a difference to students. I was making a difference with my colleagues. I was a mentor teacher for new hires. I presented at staff meetings. I led professional development activities. I was someone to "go to", and that made me feel good even when the rest of the job was stressing me out and making me crazy.

The new school of teaching is all about inquiry-based learning and there is definitely a group of colleagues where I work that have adopted this method whole-heartedly and they are passionate about sharing their philosophy. I haven't quite gotten there yet and I am not even sure if I want to get all-the-way there and because of this, I sure do feel left out of the "cool kids club" at work.

It kinda sucks and it makes me feel even more anxious about going to work and getting emails and attending staff meetings because I know (or I feel like) I am not adding up and I feel like I am not good enough. I've never felt this way at work in the past. Knowing myself, this is not going to be good. I do not do things I am not good at doing. I just don't. I am also questioning myself. Have I done enough? Have I tried hard enough to learn? Am I being narrow-minded?

I honestly don't know what I am going to do with myself. So many people in my life are being brave and making big changes. Jay is in school part-time trying to learn a new skills. My sister made the difficult choice to end her maternity leave early in order to take a new position that will have long-term benefits. My friend Jackie is working to complete school and take her life in a direction that fits her passions even though it means leaving a stable, good-paying career.  My friend Brie just earned an amazing new promotion that she has worked her buns off for and is well-deserved.

At the same time, I am reading about friends who are struggling. They are struggling with the choices they have made regarding relationships, careers, or children. So, I know I am not alone in the world, but I am certainly alone in the decisions I have to make for myself. Do I stay and fight another day for myself, or do I run and look for something else? What is that something else? Will that something else make me happy? How will I know unless I try?

I have some soul-searching to do. I am also trying to use exercise and supplements to help balance out the moods. I am back in the air regularly and training for some upcoming shows. I have started taking a B Complex supplement, which is supposed to be an excellent supplement to help elevate your mood. Yoga has become a part of my life again and I am thoroughly enjoying my practice.

I am going to end this post with some thoughts my Yin Yoga instructor, Julian, spoke of in a recent class. These are just some simple questions that I ask when I am feeling down.

What are you feeling that you want to feel more of?

What are you feeling that you want to feel less of?

Who are you?

Who do you want to be? 

 Life's a bitch. I get it. I just don't think it's supposed to be this way though. It should be ecstasy. It should be joyful. I should be all glitter, unicorns and rainbows, right? I guess you can't get a rainbow unless the Sun comes out after the storm. I'll just have to keep looking for that break in the clouds. C'mon Sun!

Cheers,
Jackie