"This is 40ish"... Right?!

About a month ago, I was invited to participate in an interview for Chatelaine magazine. This was an open call that I responded to from a Facebook post. The first 45 respondents were invited to the Chatelaine office to participate in a photoshoot and video interview.

The woman who responded to my email told me to come in an outfit that made me feel great and that they would provide interview questions on the day of the interview. I chose a simple outfit ~ jeans and black tank and blazer. I put on some cute accessories and did my make-up just so, accentuating a bold, red lip. I had just had my hair done. I felt confident. I felt gorgeous. I felt excited to be a part of the process!

The photoshoot went really well. The photographer was upbeat. The setting was easy. I laughed and had a lot of fun! Admittedly, I was a bit nervous for the video interview. They would not tell us the questions that we were to be asked. It was to be candid. As the questions were posed to me, I felt that I answered honestly. I did my best to articulate myself and my feelings clearly, and although I wasn't exactly happy with some of my responses, they were honest.

I would like to take you through my responses to these questions, and add a bit more now that I've had time to reflect on them more thoroughly.

1. What makes you unique? 

This was a surprisingly difficult question to answer. I don't necessarily consider myself all that unique, but at the same time I feel that we are all unique! I said something about how I chose to spend my free time. I discussed my pursuit of circus and aerial work as the focus here. To my particular group of friends this isn't necessarily a unique hobby, but to many others it definitely would be different! To add to this response, I would like to also say that I take a youthful approach to everything I do! I am not ashamed to say that I love heavy metal music. I go to at least one concert a month. I embrace a youthful appearance in my clothing, hair and accessories. I don't believe that fashion has an age limit. When other adults are sitting having coffee after dinner and talking about their mortgages, I'm outside running and playing with the kids. I make believe and connect with them and that is why I'm the favourite aunt! I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a true kid at heart. That is a big part of what makes me unique!

2. Would you rather have the breasts of your 20s or the freedom of your 20s?

What a dumb question! I said the freedom and I stand by that statement. I am more than just my tits! When I was in my twenties, I traveled to Australia TWICE! In fact, I traveled whenever I wanted because I had no responsibilities to a job with a set vacation schedule. I had a fun job. I worked at a record store and even though I bitched about it, it really was pretty sweet! I went to a revitalized Woodstock. I wasn't afraid to get into a mosh pit. Now I'm worry about how I would explain a black eye! I went to the bar and got to work with or without a hangover. I didn't worry about marking those assignments or writing those report cards. My customers at HMV didn't make me cry because I knew their insults/craziness wouldn't cost me my career. I hadn't learned to live an extravagant lifestyle because I didn't have the money to do so. Now, I wonder how I would live making that kind of money. Life was just easier and simpler! Plus, my boobs still look pretty good!

3. Do you consider yourself a feminist?

My response was a strong YES! I'm not too proud of where it went from there though. I linked my feminism to my choices not to get married or have children, but guess what? Some of the strongest feminists I know are married women with children. I wish I had have said this: I surround myself with strong women. They remind me daily of what it means to be a feminist. We are fiercely independent and we speak our minds. No one is going to tell us how we should live our lives! If we choose to have children, that is our choice. If we choose not to, that is also our choice. A feminist supports the choices of all women no matter what that choice might be, or who it might offend. A feminist supports her sisters and does not put down another woman because her choices aren't theirs. Of course, feminism is much more than these few simple statements, but this is a good start!

I did state the fact that I support teaching the younger generation about feminism. I hear some very sad statements come from the young girls I teach ~ statements about how some celebrity deserved to be beaten by her boyfriend; jokes about rape; talk of dieting in girls as young as 9 years old; children of the same age who are dying their hair and getting fake nails. They call each other whores, bitches and sluts. They ask me what's wrong with my boyfriend or with me because we're not married. They think there's something wrong with us because we don't have kids and live in an apartment. I've had parents question my choices and ask me not to talk about them with their daughters. I would question a teacher who wouldn't address these issues by talking about feminism!

At the same time, the administrator that hired me told me that one reason she did so was because I provided a refreshing alternative to the stereotypical teacher. It was important to her that young girls see that you can be successful and independent and strong with or without a husband. I thank her for her open mindedness!

4. Where are you in your career?

If you follow my posts regularly, you know that I have issues with my career and I voiced some of them in my response. I focused on explaining my frustration with the lack of choice in my profession. Many teachers fight for years to become permanently employed. I was lucky and was hired very quickly out of school. Since then, not much has changed. My job has become stagnant. I am a teacher. I can teach different grades. I can teach different subjects. I can try to move to different schools, although this is very difficult to achieve. If it suited me, I could upgrade my education to become an administrator, or try to become a consultant at the board office. Unlike my friends who work in the corporate world, there is no ladder to climb. Most of my moves are lateral. For an ambitious person, this can be frustrating.

5. Do you think you look good naked? 

Again, my answer was a resounding YES! I look better now than I did in my younger years because I care about my body more now than I ever did. I am not a large person, but I am also not a stereotypically thin woman. I have meat on my bones. I have muscle that helps me haul my butt up those silks. I am proud of it. I've worked hard for it. I am the girl who is always walking around the house in some state of undress. Let them look, I say! I am not ashamed of my body. I accept it. I embrace it. It carries me through life. It is mine.

This is obviously not a natural way for a woman to feel though (*note my sarcasm*). Women are supposed to be ashamed of their bodies and according to the Chatelaine survey, most women are ashamed of their bodies. Even the most petite women interviewed said they felt this way. Unfortunately, this is the angle that Chatelaine chose to pursue. They chose not to break the stereotype.

The Aftermath

A few weeks after the interview took place, I was emailed by one of the editors with a link to the online version of the article and a beautiful picture provided to me by the photographer. I was excited and immediately posted the picture to Facebook pronouncing my participation and provided a link to the article. I noticed I wasn't featured in the interview portions very much, but I thought I might show up in the print version more prominently. To my embarrassment, I have been completely cut from the print version. I feel that the article does not feature a balanced look at the state of women at all. I suppose that I don't "fit" in with what Chatelaine's typical reader might identify with and that is why I am not in the article. I do feel that it was a missed opportunity for Chatelaine to update their very conservative image (e.g., a magazine all about how to be a good homemaker).

Photo Credit: Jeff Carlson Photography

Being the feminist that I am, I have written to the editor that contacted me voicing my upset with the article and the lack of balance in it. I did so unapologetically. Women spend too much of their energy apologizing for their feelings. I am uncertain of their response, but I feel justified in my statements. If you'd like to read the online article it can be found here.

If you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read through this long post. I had a good deal to say today and it's been a while since I have had a chance to write anything. It feels good. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! Next up, New Year's Resolutions... Where did the year go?!

Cheers, Jackie

What Was Old is New Again

I have to say that as much as I'm trying to keep my chin up and march along, it isn't easy and I struggle daily. That being said, this is not a new feeling. I was going through some old things and found some poems I wrote a long time ago. These poems are ringing true to me today. Is that sad? I don't know. I thought I'd share though...

I sit and think of what's to come

original script

The things I see make me want to run
The problems I face keep tumbling down
Under them I'm sure to drown

They march upon me like soldiers to war
Faceless things I fear more and more
No heart for what they're doing to me
All I want is to be set free

I'm empty now except for these thoughts
They're terrible things I cannot stop
I'm sure there's no help to break loose
I'm slowly suffocating in their noose

I wish to escape to my own safe place
Where finally they will end their chase
But this place I cannot find
So all these thoughts still torment my mind


I called this one "Tormentor" and it is ringing true now because I'm learning that I am own worst tormentor. My therapist used the analogy of the wicked stepmother and young girl that we all know of from Disney movies. I am my own wicked stepmother, constantly criticizing and judging my actions, tormenting myself. I'm never quite good enough. Even the fact that I am upset about these things bothers me because I know there is a world full of people that are dealing with incomparable hardships ~ war, poverty, sickness, pain, oppression and more ~ with a positive attitude.

I wrote "Tormentor" 1996. I was a baby, only 16 or 17 years old. I didn't care about the hardships others faced like I do now. Like many teenagers, I was self-centred and egotistical. I filled a whole book full of poems that display this attitude over and over again. My sad teenage soul had so much to say and it was all dark and dreary. However, one more line stood out to me in a poem I wrote, also in 1996, that I called "Friends":

I am just a stranger in a world full of friends. 
They know who I be, but do they know who I am? 

Considering the world of social media and accumulating as many online "friends" as you can, I feel like I was way ahead of my time with this line. Additionally, I know that many of us that struggle with anxiety, depression and other mental health issues are often really good at putting on a "happy" face. I've spoken to many people, those I know well and those who are more casual acquaintances, about my feelings and they often say that they never would have guessed I was struggling or felt the way I do. Of course they don't, because we are constantly being forced to embrace this idea of positive mindset, like the idea of thinking happy thoughts and reflecting on what is positive is enough to cure you of your depression. It's not. I've tried. At best, it masks what is truly in your heart.

                                          But if you sing along, 

                                          A little fucking louder
                                          To a happy song
                                          You'll be just fine...

                                          Bring Me the Horizon, "Happy Song"

I will continue to work on myself and work on maintaining my positivity. I need to do this because I have people in my life who care for me and for whom I care for as well. But, I don't want to hide who I am or silence how I am feeling. That's not fair to me or to the many others out there who may be feeling the same way. I will have a voice in this world, even if it is a sad voice sometimes.

Jackie

Highs and Lows of Learning

This past month has been a crazy blur of workshops, rehearsals, performance and of course work! There is so much to reflect on ~ both high points and low points in the process. The learning curve is steep when you are trying to challenge yourself to be a better you. There are stumbles along the way, but every mistake is an opportunity to learn and change and grow. I hope that is what I've been doing along the way.

Two weekends ago, I spent a Saturday and Sunday participating in workshops as part of the Contemporary Circus Arts Festival of Toronto (CCAFT). This year had a different feeling for me than last year. Unfortunately, I went into this weekend with a negative mindset and I really let it run the show. I went into the day with my injury on my mind and used it as a crutch. I told people about it and used it as an excuse as to why I might not be able to perform on par with other participants. I complained and I whined and after, I was embarrassed by my actions.

My fear of being judged and my fear of being a failure really set the tone for my participation, especially in the silks workshop I took. I wanted everyone to know that I was not an impostor and I should be there. I practically begged people to understand that I was just injured. In reality, the only people that needed to know were me and the instructor. Everyone else was focused on their own practice. They weren't pointing fingers at me and whispering to friends. These thoughts were all in my head. They were my problem. I am happy that I can reflect back and that I know that now. I wish I had have known it then. I could have gotten much more out of the day.

The following week began with rehearsals for the Nuit Blanche performance of Glaciology. I had signed up for this project knowing that it would be challenging for me. I have been working on my touch aversion for quite some time and while it is improving greatly and I do enjoy a hug from friends now, I still do not like to be touched by strangers. The idea of being a part of a 50-person human glacier rolling through the streets of Toronto really challenged this part of me. I REALLY wanted to be a part of Glaciology though because without challenge, there is no growth. I want to grow. I want to become a better me. So I rolled on.

Day one was emotional. I had a hard time getting into the mix and found myself on the periphery of the glacier most of the time. Even then, I had to remove myself from the group to collect myself. On more than one occasion I questioned whether or not I could be a part of this project. But, I didn't want this to be a repeat of CCAFT, so I continued with rehearsals and the final performance and I was so proud of myself. I spent the better part of 8 hours in that group. I was able to coil and connect with my fellow performers. I was able to take on their weight and allow myself to body surf the group too. I felt safe and secure and warm within the group, even though it was a damp and cold October evening and we were rolling on concrete and through puddles. The next day I was tired and I was sore, but I had accomplished something that I didn't think I would be able to do. I don't know how I could ever worry about touching a stranger again! Hugs for everyone!!

If I had remembered last year, I would have realized that post-performance lows are the norm. My most seasoned performer friends have told me that they still feel that low after a big performance. I should have expected this past week to be difficult. I didn't, but it was. The students in my class were difficult. My mood was low. There were racial discussions that went against my own personal beliefs. They bothered me and other students I teach. I told parents. They were unresponsive. I got lower. There was bullying. I tried to deal with it. The students' refusal to take responsibility for their actions and there outright lies were upsetting. More parental indifference.

What am I to do? I am feeling helpless. I am feeling useless. I want to help this group of students to grow and to learn. Some of them are going off to high school next year. They seem to fight me though. They seem to be happy to stare at their phones and resist my attempts to engage them in their education. In the end, I need to ensure that I continue to do my job to the best of my abilities and it's like the old saying goes: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." If I continue to  allow the actions of others, even the action of my students and their parents, chip away at my own well-being, I am the one who is going to suffer in the end. My goal for now is to work on ways to improve my own resilience so that I can deal with these frustrating work situations in a healthier way. My new outlook is to hope that I can plant a seed in even one student's head and one day that seed will grow into something beautiful.

This is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and despite the lows that I experience, I know that I have much to be grateful for in my life. I was reminded of this yesterday in an unexpected place, the Puralator Courier Pick Up Centre. There, I meet a lovely woman. She was joyous, for lack of a better word. During our discussion she told me about her son. He had Down Syndrome and had died 5 years ago while battling cancer. Despite her loss, she said she was grateful for the time she had with him and was content that he was at rest now and he didn't suffer any longer. If she can find gratitude in this situation, then I know that I can work through my own lows to become a stronger, better me. We ended our conversation in that Puralator Office with a hug.

("The Inbetween" by Beartooth. This song is a bit of how I feel ~ highs, lows and not getting lost in the inbetween.)

Happy Thanksgiving All,
Jackie

Back to School

The first day of school is over for another year. There was no need for me to toss and turn last night. There was no need to fret about the alarm going off this morning. There was no last-minute task that I had forgotten. I didn't even have to pick out an outfit because we all wore our staff shirts today. The day that I had eagerly anticipated and often dreaded came and went with very little fanfare.

This doesn't mean that there wasn't drama, but I am getting used to drama. Drama can be dealt with. Drama can be settled. I am thankful that the tussle that played out on the basketball court was just two boys posturing and a quick call home to parents dealt with it. I am thankful none of my students were stabbed and they all went home safely at the end of the day. Not everyone was so lucky today.

Am I overjoyed that some of my new students seem less than pleased with their placement? No, I am not. Do I understand that this is a normal reaction and change is difficult for some kids? Yes, I do. I know that coming back from a long vacation is mentally and emotionally exhausting. There are the kids you don't like. There are the kids that don't like you. There might be a bully. Math is hard. Art isn't your thing. The teacher hates you.

Even friends can be demanding if you haven't seen them in a while. Everyone is going to ask you how your summer went and sometimes summer didn't go so great. And, even if it did go fantastically, telling the same anecdotes over and over again can be a drag. I get it. I really do.

Tomorrow will get a little easier though. We'll all get to know each other a little better. The split won't seem so dire. Friends will still be there at recess and after school. The days will march on and before we know it, the calendar will change and it will be Thanksgiving, and then Christmas (Winter) Break, the New Year and so on. Time marches on and we might as well enjoy it and make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves in on this, the first day of school.

You might think I sound melancholy. You might ask yourself, is she happy? I am, but I am also exhausted and will be exhausted from now until next summer. It was hot today - sticky, cloudy, humid and HOT! Since the sun refused to come out and shine for us today (and I couldn't go to the beach), I brought a little of that warmth into the classroom myself.

Cheers to a new year,
Jackie

Birthday Gratitudes

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 36 years old. This is a time in a woman's life where she can get sad because she's getting wrinkles and pimples at the same time, or embrace how much smarter and better she becomes with age! I choose the later, even though I really do hate getting pimples and wrinkles at the same time!!

I was sitting at my computer and responding back to all of the great people that took a moment out of their day yesterday to write a post on my facebook page wishing me the best on my birthday. I think it's important to acknowledge that time they took to think about me. It's pretty awesome! As I was writing, I thought to myself that I have so much to be grateful for. I'm not one to get gushy, but I thought I'd put together a little something to show my gratitude for my wonderful life and the wonderful people in it! 

1. I am grateful for my home, good food to eat, clean water to drink, the clothes that I wear, warmth in the winter and air conditioning in the summer. Many people in the world do not enjoy these basic necessities that many of us take for granted.

2. I am grateful for my overall health. Yes, I have aches and pains. Yes, as I age it takes a bit longer to bounce back from injuries, but I have been lucky in life with my health. I've never had to battle a debilitating disease, or fight for my life in hospital. My body still allows me to walk around every day, and challenge myself physically.

3. I am grateful for my family. Sometimes they drive me nuts, but I am grateful every day that they are on this planet and I can call them up and hear their voices. I have had friends who have lost close family members this past year. I can't imagine what that must be like and I am happy that, for now, I have not had to learn that difficult life lesson.

4. I am grateful for my friends. I am not the type of person that has a million friends. I have a few awesome people in my life. They challenge me. They support me. They make me laugh. They make me think. They may live halfway across the world or just down the street. I may see them weekly, or it may be years between our visits, but I know we will pick up right where we left off.

5. I am grateful for my awesome partner in crime. He's been around for a long time ~ 14 years or so to be exact. We've survived a long distance relationship. We've supported each other through health problems. We cuddle on the couch every night. We always have something to talk about. We support each other. We spoil each other. It's not always a walk in the park and there are times that we really don't see eye-to-eye, but we know how to work through those problems and become a stronger couple.

6. I am grateful to have good, steady employment. At the best of times, my job is very fulfilling. I feel like I've made a difference. At the worst of times, it pays the bills and allows me to enjoy the things in life that I don't get paid for (e.g., aerial work!), that make my time on this planet better and rewarding. I don't have to worry about a layoff or downsizing. I have a creative job. It's never boring. It always keeps me on my toes.

7. I am grateful for writing. The fact that even a few people take time out of their day to read my ramblings is awesome. I love to write and even though I didn't become that famous rock journalist that I dreamed of being when I was a teenager, I appreciate having this medium to share my thoughts and ideas.

8. I am grateful to be Canadian. We can criticize our government for it's downfalls. I encourage that discourse. And, because we live here, we can do that with relative safety and security. Although I live in the largest city in the country, I don't walk down the streets at night fearful. There is no war waging outside of my window. My sister doesn't have to worry about her children being kidnapped and held for ransom. We should be proud to be Canadian. We are lucky to live here in this big,
beautiful country. We do need to fight to protect the values it stands for and the environment that we enjoy here. So, go out and vote in October!

I am sure that there is so much more that I am missing. This is only the tip of the iceberg. I know this because I am a very lucky person and my life is pretty freaking great! I have to remember this when I get angry and frustrated and my mind threatens to shut out all of this good stuff. I suppose now that it's published, I can come back and read it if that time does roll around.

Cheers, Jackie

Communication - Use It or Lose It

I am soooo far behind in my writing. Considering that I've been off of work for the past several weeks, I should have been able to complete writing about my vacation to NYC at the very least! I am going to skip all of that though because there has been something bothering me lately.

I've spent the better part of the last year challenging myself to take risks and try things that I normally wouldn't have tried in the past. This has turned out quite swimmingly in some instances, and quite the opposite in others.

One such risk that I took recently was to participate in a conference for my school board. I had applied to facilitate a four-day workshop for fellow educators. I really didn't think that I would be hired, but I was and so I set about working with a colleague who had facilitated in previous years to create my presentation. The idea behind the conference is that teachers experienced in a certain grade lead others who are new to teaching or new to teaching a certain grade through a collaborative planning process. Ideas are shared. Resources are created. It's a really great idea and beneficial for all parties if carried out effectively. 

As the conference approached, I put finishing touches on the presentation that I had put several hours of work into, revised and refined ideas where I could and read through it again and again so I would be prepared. I was happy with my work and I was ready!

Long story short, my workshop did not go over well with a contingent of participants. They had entered the conference believing that resources would be "given" to them. They were not happy with having to discuss, plan and create resources together. On the first day, one participant approached the organizers of the conference and complained about my approach. The organizers were supportive of me and she ended up leaving.

I began the next day with a frank discussion with the group. We are all colleagues, I said. As a professional courtesy, if you have an issue with anything that I am doing in this workshop, I would appreciate it very much if you would speak with me before approaching the organizers. I can't know that there is a problem if no one speaks to me. I also mentioned that I realize difficult conversations are, well, difficult, but this was my first year facilitating and I would appreciate any constructive criticism and I would not take it personally.

Guess what? Over the next days, 3 other people did the exact same damn thing as that first woman. Instead of speaking with me, they complained to the organizers. They complained that I wasn't "providing resources" and instead we were discussing "good teaching practices" and how we apply them to the grade and planning together. Imagine! Thankfully, the organizers still supported me, but I was/am pissed off that these people were still too cowardly to approach me directly.

I am not necessarily surprised though. I have noticed lately that discourse and debate are slowly being weeded out of certain areas of my life, and not in a good way. I recently had to remove facebook from my phone because I could not stomach much of what I read on the platform. People that I've know for ages and like are acting very childish when it comes to ideas that do not exactly line up with their own. When someone challenges their beliefs in any way they automatically unfriend them. They do not want people in their lives that do not hold their exact beliefs. Huh? Isn't the exchange of ideas and debate what makes life and friendships interesting? If you surround yourself with people that act and think exactly like you, wouldn't life be pretty boring?

I mentioned these issues to my sister yesterday as we celebrated my birthday. My sister is a very smart woman and tends not to react to issues the same way that I do, so I always appreciate her advice and thoughts. She said that people's ability to communicate with one another is something that is not being nurtured in the age of social media. People hide behind social media comments and emails because they are afraid of the consequences of voicing an opposing idea or confronting someone with a problem. She mentioned times that she has tried this and it has backfired because on the other end of the dialogue the person she is talking to does not know how to receive criticism without being hurt or angry. Then, the situation becomes worse, so why bother? It's easier to "unfriend" someone or just keep your opinions to yourself.

I think this is so sad. We need to be able to have difficult conversations. We need to know that our ideas are not everyone's ideas, and so long as those ideas don't hurt another person, or group it's OK to have and share them with others. We need to be able to debate with one another. I want to know an issue from a variety of perspectives so that I can evaluate the validity of those perspectives and adjust or amend my ideas accordingly. That's what we call critical thinking! Only looking at ideas from one point of view is very narrow-minded and I don't want to be a narrow-minded person!

At the same time, if I am talking shit I want someone to tell me! Call me out on my crap. If I don't completely grasp what you are trying to tell me, let me know. Do it constructively and provide feedback so I can change and grow. I will do the same thing for you! That's called growth mindset people and it's not a bad thing. I won't cut you out of my life because you don't think I am right all of the time. I'm not! You're not either.

Communication is so important in all of our relationships - friendships, partners, business. Use it or lose it. When it's gone, it might be harder than you think to get it back.

Cheers!
Jackie

Tangled, Untangled and Tangled Again

As the end of the school year drew to a close last week, the principal of my school sent the staff a reflective email detailing all of the accomplishments and successes of the school year. She noted that she had learned so much throughout this year and posed the question to the staff: What did you learn this year?

As a human, I have been pretty resistant to change in my life. Let's be honest, change is hard and it is much easier to settle into our route (or rut) of existence and stay the course. This year wasn't like that for me. I have tried to embrace change and growth. Along the way, I have learned a few things:

1. The change you want is not always the change you get. I've gotten myself caught up in this trap a few times over the years. The grass is always greener on the other side. I just need a fresh perspective and things are going to be so much different. Sure. Things might be different, but you might not like how they're different! The reality is, looking for happiness outside of yourself is a surefire way to find disappointment! I think this lesson has finally sunk in and helped me to understand this next lesson;

2. If you truly want change, you have to change yourself. Throughout my life, I've be-bopped around and found myself in one mess or another. Sometimes things aren't even a mess. They're just not what I've wanted. Damned unhappiness following me around like a rain cloud. I've always been quick to blame the other person, place, or thing getting in the way of my happiness. What did I do to deserve this? Why can't it just go away?! This year, I've learned that I may be putting myself in these situations through the choices that I'm making. Imagine! By not realizing this and not taking responsibility for my own actions, nothing changes and I get angry/upset/frustrated. When these feelings get too overwhelming, I run away again. I'm still angry and upset, the situation is just new. Which led me to my next lesson;

3. Being angry doesn't help. This one's a big one as I'm a pretty angry person. This year I was asked to question where that anger had gotten me lately. Did it make me happier in the end to fly off the handle? The answer was, it doesn't really help or make me feel better. Many times after an outburst, I feel embarrassed and apologetic. These days, I try to stop and think before I meltdown. I've actually used the words I say to myself to my students to help them through their anger, especially if it's something small. By stopping and thinking "Is this problem worth the upset?" or "Who is being hurt here by your anger - you or the other person?" or "Why are you choosing to let this small person/thing/occurrence ruin your day?" I'm not claiming that a "positive mindset" can cure all of your woes. I still get angry. I still meltdown. Try small steps though and see how you feel.

4. Looking at yourself critically and trying to change is always risky. Don't be afraid to take risks. I've put myself out there time and again this year and it feels great. Whether its been by questioning an authority figure (in a respectful way of course) about their own equity practices, or just being willing to openly and unashamedly hug my friends, I've been taking risks this year. I've performed in front of hundreds of people at Nuit Blanche. I've performed in front of my mentors at Aertime. I've pushed through injuries to become a stronger and better aerialist. I've been writing about my successes and defeats here on this blog. I've worked with young people teaching aerial this year for the first time, and I've submitted proposals to be involved in more epic adventures with the great artists of this city.

Yesterday, I performed a piece for the third time. It's not often that I have an opportunity to perform the same piece for different audiences. My first run through ended in a tangled mess. I had to come down and start again. Surprisingly, I wasn't upset. I was able to shake it off and get up there and take on that creature again and win! I was pretty damned proud of myself!  I've realized that my self-worth isn't teethered to any one aspect of my life. As long as I'm imperfect, I have lots of room to grow and learn and change. We all do :)

Things look like they're going well, but really I'm all tangled up!
It's kinda like life, isn't it?!

Cheers!

Jackie

Moonlighting (Again) for Circus Sessions

While my day consisted of marking math tests, trying desperately to get some 12 year old children to be socially-aware citizens of the world, and asking a student if he had to poop because his tummy hurt, some of the best people I know began a week of circus-y exploration and collaboration. I'm super-duper jealous because Circus Sessions began today!

While I may not be in the mix or in the air, I have been involved in Circus Sessions in my own way. I've now written two blog posts for Circus Sessions, profiling two of the collaborators and genres of circus that will be focused on during the week. My first post, featuring artist Greg Tarlin and the art of object manipulation, was published on April 9, 2015, and be found here. My most recent post was published today and featured artist Zita Nyarady and the art of clowning. It can be found here.

When Holly Treddenick, one of the co-directors of Circus Sessions, sent out the call on facebook for writers, I jumped at the chance to write about circus. My first degree is in Journalism, but I don't often find (or seek) the opportunity to get my work published anywhere but here on my own blog. To be honest, I had hoped that I would get to write about aerial, but I'm happy that I didn't get that chance. I've learned so much more by writing about two art forms that I didn't know or understand well previously!

I'm taking a few days off from training this week to rest a tweaky neck/shoulder/arm. I need to be in tip top shape for all of the fun circus adventures that are coming up in the next couple of months! I wish all of the artists taking part in Circus Sessions a great week. I'm looking forward to seeing what you all come up with for your final collaboration performance this Friday night!

Photo Credit: Circus Session Facebook page

Cheers,
Jackie

Object Manipulation II: I Dropped the Ball!

Juggling. I can juggle responsibilities. I can juggle tasks. I can juggle a room full of kids asking me questions at the same time. What I can't do is juggle. It's hard!

On Tuesday afternoon, I had the opportunity to learn juggling from none other than Greg Tarlin. You may remember him from the blog post I wrote for Circus Sessions a while back. He's kind of a good juggler. Sort of amazing actually. And, I imagine he's a great teacher, but I am not a stellar student! Nope. No indeed.

For the past few Tuesday afternoons, I've been working with a group teaching them beginner aerial silks through the Talk to Youth Lately programme provided by Look Up Theatre's head mistress, Angola Murdoch. It's been an amazing experience on so many levels. I am so happy to working with the group and to finally be able to teach a bit of aerial. It's kinda been a dream of mine! Also, because it is a social circus group, I've been learning so much about dealing with mental illness and the struggles that the people in the group face on a daily basis. It's really very humbling to be a part of this and to learn from them as well.

This Tuesday was different though. Greg was there and Angola asked me if I'd like to learn how to juggle. Of course I said "yes!" and so it began. I was the only participant who had never ever juggled before. Some had only tried juggling a few times though, and it seemed like they had caught on, so I was confident I could too!

Don't get me wrong, Greg's instruction was clear and great and seemed to make perfect sense. We started with two balls, which aren't actually balls. They're like densely packed bean bags really. Greg's advice:

1. Hold your arms by your side and make a 90 degree angle at your elbows. Relax your shoulders (I think that's a thing, but mine can't/won't relax - Yikes!) and hold the balls in either hand.
2. Picture a square in front of you. Mark an imaginary X through the square. Easy enough!
3. Toss the balls to the opposite corner - so the ball in my left hand (which is my dominant hand for some reason when I play "sports" like golf, baseball and now juggling) is tossed to the top right corner.
4. When the first ball reaches the top of its arch, toss the second ball in to the opposite corner. Ideally, you catch both balls.

Doesn't that sound easy! It's only two balls! Honestly, I was tossing those balls all over the place. Too low, too high, too far in front, too far behind. And, I was catching very few. A third ball. Out of the question!

I thought I'd read somewhere when I was researching for my blog post that most people could learn to juggle in about an hour?! LIARS! Everyone was awesomely supportive though. As they tossed 3, 4 or 5 balls through the air, they told me how well I was progressing. Angola saw me struggling and told me it took her weeks of intense learning and practicing to learn to juggle.

The perfectionist in me was struggling. Do I give up because I'm bad? Do I push on and try to improve? What to do?!

Greg told me to push like any good coach would! Add a third ball, he said. Try the drop technique. Hey, I was already good at dropping the ball, so why not give said technique a try. All I had to do was throw the balls up in the air in the correct pattern - left, right left - and let them drop. Ideally, two will drop in front of me on my right fairly close to each other and one on the left. That's a pattern I can handle. And, I did. His advice - don't get stuck with two balls. Go back and forth and try to progress.

Stellar advice. Don't get stuck! I'm so happy that I was able to meet Greg in person after interviewing him over the internet. I'm happy I was finally able to try juggling. I will try again too. Some day, I might even be able to juggle more than a busy schedule!

Cheers,

Jackie

Moonlighting for Circus Sessions

Hey all... Just a brief repost of a blog I wrote for the Circus Sessions happening at Harbourfront Centre May 11-17, 2015. Greg, my muse, was super-cool and has mad skills. Check him out and check out my blog!

Don't Drop the Ball: Object Manipulation

Chasing Rainbows

If you follow my writing, you might know that I began a new job this year full of optimism that a  change of location was going to make me happier in my career. I soon found that this was not the case. I went from hopeful to defeated in short order.

In my search for some answers to how I was feeling, I began to see a psychiatrist earlier this year. While I don't always agree with him and what he has to say, he has opened my eyes to a few of my own issues that need to be resolved. One of them is this need to remove what is making me unhappy by running away.

I am sad to say, that I am still running. I have spent the past two months applying for jobs around the board where I work. I have applied for approximately 15 different positions at different schools. My criteria has been fairly general in that I am looking for junior or intermediate positions that will put me closer to home and in a different region of the board from where I have been teaching for the past 7 years.

From all of my applications, I received one call back for an interview and I didn't get the position. I now feel even worse than I felt before. I am frustrated. I feel like I am not good enough and no one wants me.

To make matters worse, I feel like I am not "good enough" compared to my colleagues at my current school. It used to be that when the head honchos came to visit, my classroom would be part of the tour. I was doing great things. I was making a difference in the school. I was making a difference to students. I was making a difference with my colleagues. I was a mentor teacher for new hires. I presented at staff meetings. I led professional development activities. I was someone to "go to", and that made me feel good even when the rest of the job was stressing me out and making me crazy.

The new school of teaching is all about inquiry-based learning and there is definitely a group of colleagues where I work that have adopted this method whole-heartedly and they are passionate about sharing their philosophy. I haven't quite gotten there yet and I am not even sure if I want to get all-the-way there and because of this, I sure do feel left out of the "cool kids club" at work.

It kinda sucks and it makes me feel even more anxious about going to work and getting emails and attending staff meetings because I know (or I feel like) I am not adding up and I feel like I am not good enough. I've never felt this way at work in the past. Knowing myself, this is not going to be good. I do not do things I am not good at doing. I just don't. I am also questioning myself. Have I done enough? Have I tried hard enough to learn? Am I being narrow-minded?

I honestly don't know what I am going to do with myself. So many people in my life are being brave and making big changes. Jay is in school part-time trying to learn a new skills. My sister made the difficult choice to end her maternity leave early in order to take a new position that will have long-term benefits. My friend Jackie is working to complete school and take her life in a direction that fits her passions even though it means leaving a stable, good-paying career.  My friend Brie just earned an amazing new promotion that she has worked her buns off for and is well-deserved.

At the same time, I am reading about friends who are struggling. They are struggling with the choices they have made regarding relationships, careers, or children. So, I know I am not alone in the world, but I am certainly alone in the decisions I have to make for myself. Do I stay and fight another day for myself, or do I run and look for something else? What is that something else? Will that something else make me happy? How will I know unless I try?

I have some soul-searching to do. I am also trying to use exercise and supplements to help balance out the moods. I am back in the air regularly and training for some upcoming shows. I have started taking a B Complex supplement, which is supposed to be an excellent supplement to help elevate your mood. Yoga has become a part of my life again and I am thoroughly enjoying my practice.

I am going to end this post with some thoughts my Yin Yoga instructor, Julian, spoke of in a recent class. These are just some simple questions that I ask when I am feeling down.

What are you feeling that you want to feel more of?

What are you feeling that you want to feel less of?

Who are you?

Who do you want to be? 

 Life's a bitch. I get it. I just don't think it's supposed to be this way though. It should be ecstasy. It should be joyful. I should be all glitter, unicorns and rainbows, right? I guess you can't get a rainbow unless the Sun comes out after the storm. I'll just have to keep looking for that break in the clouds. C'mon Sun!

Cheers,
Jackie

It's Quite the Balancing Act!

Walking out of an appointment last night, I slipped and nearly fell down a flight of stairs. It wasn't bad and I wasn't hurt, but balance is obviously an issue for me at times!

I've been working very hard this year trying to be a more emotionally balanced person. I am focusing on being more open-minded, more positive, more affectionate and relaxed. I am trying to reduce the anger and hostility that I used to approach problems with and take on a more tempered resolution process. I think I have changed for the better and I know I still have a long way to go!

I also know that I should practise a work-life balance and eat a balanced diet. These are challenges that I have faced and that I am consistently working on in my day-to-day life.

That word, balance, crept into my consciousness again last night and not because I nearly fell down some stairs either! As an active, athletic person I consider myself to be fit and strong. I can do a pull-up. I can do a push-up. I bet I'd even take you in an arm wrestling contest! Despite all of this, I am still weak in certain areas and this weakness has caused me my fair share of issues.

I rely on my aerial work to meet my fitness goals, and in the past I have felt as though I have been meeting those goals and I have pretty much stopped participating in other forms of fitness. My days at the gym have slowly dwindled away. My 5k runs I was enjoying last summer dried up when the weather became colder. My yoga practise has been practically non-existent over the past several months. I have made excuses about time, money, and interest, but the reality is I could have and I should have been engaging my body in different ways.

After suffering another injury setback in the past few weeks, it has become very apparent that I need to balance my body and my training regimes. Thanks to a great discussion with my osteopath, Holly Treddenick of Blue Bird Osteopathy, I have found a probable culprit. My weak lower abdominals are causing my hip flexors to over-engage when I am training. When I train longer, more often or harder, they are basically constantly engaged, then become fatigued and finally, my back goes and I am stuck in bed with severe pain. Not fun!

Understanding the issue now, I have been able to create a balanced approach that should resolve my current problem and lessen the chances of another injury. I will be working towards this resolution in the following ways:

1. Yoga! I have recently begun practising Bikrim Yoga at the Bikram Yoga Studio in the Beaches, near my home. I have only participated in a few classes, but it is challenging and invigorating! The instructors are friendly and knowledgeable and I really look forward to getting the most out of my monthly pass! The goal I need to keep in mind is that this is an opportunity for me to stretch and release the tension in my very tight muscles so that they stop squashing the bones inside of me!

2. Aerial! Of course aerial. However, I am going to be very conscious of balancing out my training so that I am equally training my right (dominant) side and my left. This will correct the imbalances over-training my right has caused over the years.

3. Pilates! I was shocked when Holly suggested that my lower abdominals were weak. Shocked, I tell you! The proof is in the pudding though and I have had lower back issues for years now. I gotta do something about this. So, a few 30-minute sessions of pilates a week is just what I need. I am going to try and do this at home using a Youtube video series. I hear Popsugar is good. We'll see. Regardless, strengthening my core is just going to make everything better!

4. Strengthen my lower body! Squats, lunges and calf raises - Oh my! I have to do it though. I can't have a saggy butt and awesome arms. That's just weird!

Now, how am I going to balance all of this out on top of work and family and friends? Hopefully, like this gorgeous tight rope walker, I will handle these new challenges with grace, ease and of course, strength!

Tightrope Walker, 1890

Cheers, Jackie