What Was Old is New Again

I have to say that as much as I'm trying to keep my chin up and march along, it isn't easy and I struggle daily. That being said, this is not a new feeling. I was going through some old things and found some poems I wrote a long time ago. These poems are ringing true to me today. Is that sad? I don't know. I thought I'd share though...

I sit and think of what's to come

original script

The things I see make me want to run
The problems I face keep tumbling down
Under them I'm sure to drown

They march upon me like soldiers to war
Faceless things I fear more and more
No heart for what they're doing to me
All I want is to be set free

I'm empty now except for these thoughts
They're terrible things I cannot stop
I'm sure there's no help to break loose
I'm slowly suffocating in their noose

I wish to escape to my own safe place
Where finally they will end their chase
But this place I cannot find
So all these thoughts still torment my mind


I called this one "Tormentor" and it is ringing true now because I'm learning that I am own worst tormentor. My therapist used the analogy of the wicked stepmother and young girl that we all know of from Disney movies. I am my own wicked stepmother, constantly criticizing and judging my actions, tormenting myself. I'm never quite good enough. Even the fact that I am upset about these things bothers me because I know there is a world full of people that are dealing with incomparable hardships ~ war, poverty, sickness, pain, oppression and more ~ with a positive attitude.

I wrote "Tormentor" 1996. I was a baby, only 16 or 17 years old. I didn't care about the hardships others faced like I do now. Like many teenagers, I was self-centred and egotistical. I filled a whole book full of poems that display this attitude over and over again. My sad teenage soul had so much to say and it was all dark and dreary. However, one more line stood out to me in a poem I wrote, also in 1996, that I called "Friends":

I am just a stranger in a world full of friends. 
They know who I be, but do they know who I am? 

Considering the world of social media and accumulating as many online "friends" as you can, I feel like I was way ahead of my time with this line. Additionally, I know that many of us that struggle with anxiety, depression and other mental health issues are often really good at putting on a "happy" face. I've spoken to many people, those I know well and those who are more casual acquaintances, about my feelings and they often say that they never would have guessed I was struggling or felt the way I do. Of course they don't, because we are constantly being forced to embrace this idea of positive mindset, like the idea of thinking happy thoughts and reflecting on what is positive is enough to cure you of your depression. It's not. I've tried. At best, it masks what is truly in your heart.

                                          But if you sing along, 

                                          A little fucking louder
                                          To a happy song
                                          You'll be just fine...

                                          Bring Me the Horizon, "Happy Song"

I will continue to work on myself and work on maintaining my positivity. I need to do this because I have people in my life who care for me and for whom I care for as well. But, I don't want to hide who I am or silence how I am feeling. That's not fair to me or to the many others out there who may be feeling the same way. I will have a voice in this world, even if it is a sad voice sometimes.

Jackie

And We Wonder Why People Don't Get Mental Health Help Before It's Too Late...

On September 20, 2014, I contacted my doctor's office in need of help. I asked specifically if I could speak to my doctor about some mental health issues that I had been dealing with on my own for quite a while. I was feeling overwhelmed and I was feeling like I was drowning.

This was a big step for me. If you've followed my journey so far, you will know that I have not had the best of experiences with mental health professionals in the past. It seems as though this will not change for me unfortunately.

I was told by the woman arranging appointments that my doctor was on vacation and she wouldn't be able to see me until well after she returned because she needed to see her "urgent care" patients first. Blow number one in my pursuit of mental health.

On October 25, I finally made it into my doctor's office. She did all but laugh at me when I was pouring my heart out to her about my feelings of anxiety and depression. At one point, she actually looked at me and said, "Awwwww..." as though I was a child who had scuffed my knee. She continued on to say that at least I wasn't as bad as some of her patients who suffer from depression because at least I knew why I was depressed. Huh? Thanks for making me feel like an inadequate whiner. Blow number two and three.

She went on to print out some book suggestions that I should read to help me. You know, because I wasn't as bad off as her other patients suffering from depression. When I pressed her to speak with someone, a mental health professional, she hesitated before telling me that she hadn't had great luck with the social work team that works in their network. Then she changed her mind and told me that because I wasn't too badly off, I might have some success talking to them, unlike her other worse-off patients. Great. Way to instill confidence. Now I know that your sub par team can at least handle my measly issues. Blow number four.

It seems as though she was right though. I waited two weeks for a call from the social work department. Apparently, they conduct "intake interviews" over the phone with new patients. The call never came, so I called back. I was told I would get an email soon to arrange a time. It never came. I called a week later and finally they set up a time for me. It was difficult because they wanted to talk during the day before 4:00p.m. and I don't have a job that I can step away from to make or take a call. I was finally able to make an appointment for November 25. A full 2 months from the date I had first reached out, I was finally going to make contact with someone.

Do you want to guess what happened yesterday? No call ever came. What did I do? I called the office back today. They could not tell me why I wasn't called. They were kind enough to help me make another appointment though. It's on December 22. I am supposed to wait another month just to speak to someone on the phone. Blow number five and six.

I know that our medical system is overwhelmed with people looking for help and I know that the mental health system is in even worse shape. That being said, when people are brave enough to reach out for help, someone should be there to help them. They should not have their problems belittled. They should not be put on hold for months. They should not be brushed off completely. It's a disgusting and terrible thing to do to someone who needs help and has asked for that help explicitly.

Thankfully, I have a good network of support. I have people. Not everyone does though and those are the people that I worry about. Mental health issues are real issues. We need to do better. I am sick of hearing about people harming others and themselves because their mental health needs were not addressed. Unfortunately, as I have learned all too well over the past months, mental health needs are the last ones to be addressed by our healthcare system. It's shameful. But, if you've experienced what I have, don't give up. Keep reaching out and eventually someone will take your hand.

Cheers, Jackie