Getting Past the September Slump

September is an exhausting month for me and thankfully it is almost over.  I spend July and August as a (mostly) free spirit. I get up when I want. I eat when I want. I spend time with myself doing what I want with few responsibilities. And then it's September and everything changes.

September brings early mornings and long commutes in traffic. September brings meal planning and prepping and regimented times to eat and go to the bathroom. Most of all, September means that I need to shift my mental focus away from myself and towards the young people that I am responsible for inspiring on a daily basis.

Please don't read this and think that I'm complaining about my vacation time, or the fact that I'm back to work. I'm not. However, the other day I was feeling down and pretty uninspired and I had to wonder, why? Teachers have always been sensitive to the fact that some children have a difficult time transitioning back into the routine of school days however I had never really reflected on my own feelings during this time.

At the moment, my creativity is being used to plan engaging lessons for my students. I am building relationships with 28 new people. Each one of them is different. Each one of them has expectations of me. Some come to school with bad feelings about their previous teachers or experiences in education. Some come with a set of challenges that I need to learn, understand, work with, and carefully balance. I am trying to hook them for the year and I don't have very many opportunities to create that hook. It's not easy and the stress is real!

All of those carefree things I was doing in the summer have been put on the back burner. I'm tired, so going out to hula hoop seems like work. I'm still trying to recover my strength after an injury, so training aerial silks feels frustrating. I've spent the day writing lesson plans, so staring at a computer trying to generate ideas to share in a blog post doesn't seem like fun, and I feel like I don't really have anything interesting to say anyways. With all of that negativity taking up space in my brain, no wonder I was feeling badly! 

Luckily for me, the universe saw that I was in need and presented a few perfect solutions for my melancholy. First, my amazing aerial instructor is planning a student showcase for November. Choreographing an act and working towards this showcase is just what I need to get my personal creative juices flowing! I am often motivated by working towards a goal and for me creating a new routine is a wonderful challenge. I was also fortunate enough to experience circus performers from around the world put on amazing and thought-provoking shows during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this summer, so I'm happy to say that I have more than enough inspiration to draw on for this performance. It will be my first performance after my injury, so I am trying to be kind to myself, but I'm quite excited to get back on stage!

I am also in the midst of fostering some new writing ideas, also for the circus world. I have been networking with other writers, discussing how we can foster the circus writing community, and make it a sustainable way for performers and writers to make a living wage. I spent part of my summer working with circus writer/reviewer extraordinaire Katherine Kavanaugh, founder of the online circus website, Circus Diaries. With her support, I realised this summer that my writing voice is appreciated and it is needed. I want to promote the outstanding work that is being created here in Toronto, Ontario. I want to bring it to an audience outside of the immediate community.  I have reached out to organizations and received media accreditation so that I can review shows when they are playing here and build audiences for circus productions outside of the world of Cirque du Soliel. The hope is that with a wider audience,  more international shows will make Toronto a stop on their tours.

Self-reflection is a pretty amazing thing. Having spent the time to think about what bothers me and then creating a plan to get past those feelings has helped me to make it over my September Slump. Whatever you do to get past your slumps, be it writing, performing, painting, or yodeling, just be sure to carve out some time for yourself and do it! If you're feeling uninspired, reach out to your community and find inspiration in what others are doing. Challenge yourself to try something new-to-you. If you're still feeling meh then have a nap and try again in the morning! Just don't quit trying, OK?!                                                             

Cheers! Jackie

What Was Old is New Again

I have to say that as much as I'm trying to keep my chin up and march along, it isn't easy and I struggle daily. That being said, this is not a new feeling. I was going through some old things and found some poems I wrote a long time ago. These poems are ringing true to me today. Is that sad? I don't know. I thought I'd share though...

I sit and think of what's to come

original script

The things I see make me want to run
The problems I face keep tumbling down
Under them I'm sure to drown

They march upon me like soldiers to war
Faceless things I fear more and more
No heart for what they're doing to me
All I want is to be set free

I'm empty now except for these thoughts
They're terrible things I cannot stop
I'm sure there's no help to break loose
I'm slowly suffocating in their noose

I wish to escape to my own safe place
Where finally they will end their chase
But this place I cannot find
So all these thoughts still torment my mind


I called this one "Tormentor" and it is ringing true now because I'm learning that I am own worst tormentor. My therapist used the analogy of the wicked stepmother and young girl that we all know of from Disney movies. I am my own wicked stepmother, constantly criticizing and judging my actions, tormenting myself. I'm never quite good enough. Even the fact that I am upset about these things bothers me because I know there is a world full of people that are dealing with incomparable hardships ~ war, poverty, sickness, pain, oppression and more ~ with a positive attitude.

I wrote "Tormentor" 1996. I was a baby, only 16 or 17 years old. I didn't care about the hardships others faced like I do now. Like many teenagers, I was self-centred and egotistical. I filled a whole book full of poems that display this attitude over and over again. My sad teenage soul had so much to say and it was all dark and dreary. However, one more line stood out to me in a poem I wrote, also in 1996, that I called "Friends":

I am just a stranger in a world full of friends. 
They know who I be, but do they know who I am? 

Considering the world of social media and accumulating as many online "friends" as you can, I feel like I was way ahead of my time with this line. Additionally, I know that many of us that struggle with anxiety, depression and other mental health issues are often really good at putting on a "happy" face. I've spoken to many people, those I know well and those who are more casual acquaintances, about my feelings and they often say that they never would have guessed I was struggling or felt the way I do. Of course they don't, because we are constantly being forced to embrace this idea of positive mindset, like the idea of thinking happy thoughts and reflecting on what is positive is enough to cure you of your depression. It's not. I've tried. At best, it masks what is truly in your heart.

                                          But if you sing along, 

                                          A little fucking louder
                                          To a happy song
                                          You'll be just fine...

                                          Bring Me the Horizon, "Happy Song"

I will continue to work on myself and work on maintaining my positivity. I need to do this because I have people in my life who care for me and for whom I care for as well. But, I don't want to hide who I am or silence how I am feeling. That's not fair to me or to the many others out there who may be feeling the same way. I will have a voice in this world, even if it is a sad voice sometimes.

Jackie

Tangled, Untangled and Tangled Again

As the end of the school year drew to a close last week, the principal of my school sent the staff a reflective email detailing all of the accomplishments and successes of the school year. She noted that she had learned so much throughout this year and posed the question to the staff: What did you learn this year?

As a human, I have been pretty resistant to change in my life. Let's be honest, change is hard and it is much easier to settle into our route (or rut) of existence and stay the course. This year wasn't like that for me. I have tried to embrace change and growth. Along the way, I have learned a few things:

1. The change you want is not always the change you get. I've gotten myself caught up in this trap a few times over the years. The grass is always greener on the other side. I just need a fresh perspective and things are going to be so much different. Sure. Things might be different, but you might not like how they're different! The reality is, looking for happiness outside of yourself is a surefire way to find disappointment! I think this lesson has finally sunk in and helped me to understand this next lesson;

2. If you truly want change, you have to change yourself. Throughout my life, I've be-bopped around and found myself in one mess or another. Sometimes things aren't even a mess. They're just not what I've wanted. Damned unhappiness following me around like a rain cloud. I've always been quick to blame the other person, place, or thing getting in the way of my happiness. What did I do to deserve this? Why can't it just go away?! This year, I've learned that I may be putting myself in these situations through the choices that I'm making. Imagine! By not realizing this and not taking responsibility for my own actions, nothing changes and I get angry/upset/frustrated. When these feelings get too overwhelming, I run away again. I'm still angry and upset, the situation is just new. Which led me to my next lesson;

3. Being angry doesn't help. This one's a big one as I'm a pretty angry person. This year I was asked to question where that anger had gotten me lately. Did it make me happier in the end to fly off the handle? The answer was, it doesn't really help or make me feel better. Many times after an outburst, I feel embarrassed and apologetic. These days, I try to stop and think before I meltdown. I've actually used the words I say to myself to my students to help them through their anger, especially if it's something small. By stopping and thinking "Is this problem worth the upset?" or "Who is being hurt here by your anger - you or the other person?" or "Why are you choosing to let this small person/thing/occurrence ruin your day?" I'm not claiming that a "positive mindset" can cure all of your woes. I still get angry. I still meltdown. Try small steps though and see how you feel.

4. Looking at yourself critically and trying to change is always risky. Don't be afraid to take risks. I've put myself out there time and again this year and it feels great. Whether its been by questioning an authority figure (in a respectful way of course) about their own equity practices, or just being willing to openly and unashamedly hug my friends, I've been taking risks this year. I've performed in front of hundreds of people at Nuit Blanche. I've performed in front of my mentors at Aertime. I've pushed through injuries to become a stronger and better aerialist. I've been writing about my successes and defeats here on this blog. I've worked with young people teaching aerial this year for the first time, and I've submitted proposals to be involved in more epic adventures with the great artists of this city.

Yesterday, I performed a piece for the third time. It's not often that I have an opportunity to perform the same piece for different audiences. My first run through ended in a tangled mess. I had to come down and start again. Surprisingly, I wasn't upset. I was able to shake it off and get up there and take on that creature again and win! I was pretty damned proud of myself!  I've realized that my self-worth isn't teethered to any one aspect of my life. As long as I'm imperfect, I have lots of room to grow and learn and change. We all do :)

Things look like they're going well, but really I'm all tangled up!
It's kinda like life, isn't it?!

Cheers!

Jackie

Shifting, Changing, Moving, Growing

Can I just say, "LIKE WOW!" because the universe, she is a shifting, changing, moving and growing. I am going with it. With the flow!

I loathe to start out with this, but what happened to the weather?! Why is it so cold? Why did it start snowing so early? Why is it so dark all the time? I fully realize that I live in Canada and the winters are brutal, but they usually don't start at the beginning of November in my neck of the urban jungle. Hopefully this frigid weather is just a sign for all of us to wake up and smell the crisp, cold air! The seasons, they are changing.

My family is growing! It is officially baby season. Well, baby season started a little while back when my new little niece was born to Jay's brother and sister-in-law. Now, my sister is ready to pop! Little baby Chalmers is scheduled to come out of mommy's nether regions THIS WEEKEND! So exciting! I hope he or she comes on time. We're all sick of waiting!!

Uncle Jay and T at the Toronto Santa Claus Parade!

A nice little family pic at the Metro Toronto Zoo!

To help mommy and daddy relax before the new baby comes, Jay and I had T over for a sleepover this weekend. Holy crap, can that girl go! The zoo, crafts, dance parties, Care Bears movies, karaoke, walks, hot chocolate runs, and The Santa Claus Parade! Jay and I even had one parental argument, but we really tried not to fight in front of the child. That's just not good parenting, ya know!?!

All-in-all, it was an awesome weekend with two of my favourite people. And, I got to go to The Santa Claus Parade, which I had never done before. For a girl that enjoys glittery, shiny trinkets and things, the parade really sparkled! But, don't get me started on the adults there. Not worth my time and energy to bitch about their behaviours. In short, it was embarrassing and inappropriate on so many levels! Parades, especially ones that involve Santa, are for kids people! DUH!

I can honestly say, that in addition to all of the changes around me, I am experiencing some real internal shifts as well. My mindset is shifting in good ways. I have finally made peace with the fact that my career path is going to change sooner rather than later. It might not be a dramatic change all at once, but I am definitely making steps towards my future goals outside of the teaching profession.

This first step has been to realize that my happiness outweighs the nagging doubts I have within myself and hear from others. I have come to terms with the fact that I don't need as much money as I think I do. Why not? Well, if I was happier and more fulfilled in other areas of my life, I bet I wouldn't be trying to stuff the empty hole inside of my chest with designer jeans and boots all the time for one thing! Retail therapy is fun in the moment, but isn't really the best answer to all of life's problems.

I am also coming to realize that I don't need the approval of others. I am a grown up. I am a strong, independent 35-year-old woman. I have traveled the world. I have two degrees. I have a stable long-term relationship. I certainly don't need other people telling me what is best for me. Only I know that!

So, I am moving on. I am moving on from unhappiness. I am moving on from self-doubt. I am moving on from the consumer traps that this world we live in lays out for us. Not completely and not all at once. But, I am moving one step at a time in the right direction.

Cheers! Jackie