What Am I Doing Wrong? and Other Important Questions

Do you ever sit and ask yourself, "What am I doing wrong?" I ask myself this question ALL the time, yet I never seem to get the answer that I'm looking for back. At these moments, I question every single decision that I've ever made in my life. Notably, they are all the wrong decisions.

Two weeks ago, I was driving to work and a van kicked a stone up and cracked my windshield. This meant an unexpected repair and an unexpected cost. I had it fixed over the weekend, paid the price and thought I was done with it. Nope. Turns out, the people that put in the new windshield messed something up (that's official car lingo, ya know) and now it sounds like a swarm of bees lives in my car if I'm driving over 75 km/h. I'm only guessing, but there's some broken or loose piece of plastic vibrating against my new windshield somewhere. I called the place where I got it fixed and of course they treated me like an idiot and ensured me that they had installed the part correctly and they couldn't do anything about it.

Why did I tell this boring car story? Well, on this day, this event is what set off my mood and made me question my whole existence. How? Simply because my car has to get me to work every day. If that doesn't make any sense to you (because you're a sane and normal person), let me walk you through my neurotic mindset.

1. Something went wrong. I got it fixed. The fix didn't work. I tried to remedy that. I didn't get the response I wanted. I now hate my car because it is an unwanted expense and source of frustration.

2. Once my car becomes a source of frustration, I then deflect that onto my job. If I didn't have this job that was so far away from my home, I wouldn't need a car. If I didn't need a car think about how much extra money I would have right now.

3. Wait, why don't I have more money? I make a good salary. I don't have children to support. I don't have a big mortgage or tonnes of debt. Where does all my money go?

4. What am I doing wrong? Why do all of my friends/family/strangers on the street have it so much better than me? Everyone lives in a nice house that they OWN. How can they afford that? Everyone gets to go on fancy vacations to exotic places around the world. Why do I have to skrimp and save just to go away for a few days in the summer? [**Note: In reality, I know that not everyone has it better than me**]

5. My job is an endless source of frustration and I thought I only did it for the financial security, but I don't have all of the things that I want. Why do I keep doing it? Everyone I know loves their job or, they're doing something important or meaningful. Why can't I do something that I love? [**Note: I know that not everyone loves their job**]

6. Wait, what do I love? What are my goals? I don't have any because I'm just trying to get through the day. I'm stuck.

The sixth statement is the one that has been bothering me the most lately. Friends, family and my therapist have all approached me with some form of this question... If you're not happy, what are your goals for the future? How are you going to make a change? I always answer the same way... Right now, I'm just so overwhelmed by my job, my goal is simply to get to the end of the day. When I walk into my classroom at 8:00 a.m., my goal for the future is to get to 3:40 p.m. without any sort of major incident.

How do I get beyond this feeling? How do I put aside my present to think about a better future? How do I find my passion? I've read about this. I've talked about this. I've thought about this. I don't have an answer that works right now. If you've made a big change in your life, what inspired you? What steps did you take to get you from the place you were to the place you wanted to be? What were your biggest challenges? How did you feel throughout the process? Are you happier now and was it all worth it? I hope that if I see, hear and understand the process, I'll be able to take steps to start it for myself. And hey, it never hurts to ask!

Cheers,

Jackie

New Year 2.016

At this same time last year, I sat down to reflect on another year passed and looked to set goals for a year yet to come. I felt the hopefulness of a new year, as I'm sure many of you did too. I resolved to meet 2015 with an open mind and an open heart. I resolved to work to make myself a better person and to help the world and people around me.

As it turns out, 2015 was a tumultuous year, not just for me, but for people around me and the world as a whole. When I say it was tumultuous, I don't mean to say it was all bad. Sometimes an upset in the status quo is a good thing. I can't help but think about the federal election held here in Canada. Talk about tumultuous! One day, Stephen Harper is running the country like some maniacal dictator and the next, he's giving up the leadership of the Progressive Conservative party that he burned to the ground. From those ashes arose a new, young and vibrant leader. Justin Trudeau's leadership is still in it's early days. He has much to contend with - a struggling economy, a world held hostage by madmen and terrorists, an environment that is screaming for rescue - but I have hope that fresh ideas and a modern approach to these issues can make an impact here and around the world. The coming year will certainly test the resolve of this new government, but at least the more progressively-minded folks of our nation will no longer have to hang our heads in shame when speaking of our country's leadership.

Voting is cool! We learned that this year. 

Mind and Body

Last year I set some goals for myself and, to be honest, didn't follow through on all of them. I am most disappointed that I didn't listen to my body enough and I am dealing with an injury yet again. I am starting off this year with some fitness goals in mind and I am not going to fall short this time. I am kick starting my year with a 7-day detox created by my good friend and holistic nutritionist, Jackie McCaffrey. This is not a starvation diet, or a juice cleanse. It is an all around reset for my mind and body. By cleansing my body of harmful toxins, and settling into some mindful habits, especially sleep habits, I am hoping to get rid of a few extra pounds from my body and a little extra weight off my shoulders. Her nighttime suggestions include getting a full 7-8 hours of sleep and turning off the electronics a full hour before bed. To help the mind relax she suggested unwinding with some meditative colouring and breathing. A full hour seems like a big commitment since I am planning on getting up at 5:00 a.m. most days to hit the gym before work. I'm going to try for a half hour!

There's that 5:00 a.m. wake up call thing. I have to make some changes in my workout routine or I am going to keep injuring myself. As I get older, these injuries are causing me more issues for a longer time. By taking a more holistic approach to fitness, I hope to nip this in the bud. So, early morning cardio and light weight-training are going to be my goal. It's going to be hard, but I can do hard! I'm also getting more into stretching and pilates and hopefully within six weeks of the new year, I want to be back in the air! I have a goal, I have to work to meet it. Good things aren't known to come easily!

Get Out of That Comfort Zone!

Aertime - June 6, 2015

Glaciology - October 3, 2015

I tried to put myself out there in 2015. It sometimes went really well. It sometimes didn't. The first half of the year was pretty quiet, but then things really got rolling in June. I performed in my first AerTime, which was a pretty big deal! Aertime is a showcase where professional circus performers present "works in progress" and then receive feedback from the audience. I had a blast, but was nervous as hell performing alongside some of my mentors! Then, I performed with my girl, Jackie McCaffrey in front of an audience for Lonny's Smile, a children's charity. What an honour! Finally, there was Glaciology. This was by far the most outside my comfort zone I've been while performing. In this contemporary dance piece, a large group of artists rolled over each other and through the streets of Toronto throughout the 12-hour long Nuit Blanche festival. I am not one for being touchy-feely, so this was challenging. I made it though and now I can hug just about anyone!

I didn't fare so well with my Chatelaine interview. I tried to be honest and put it on the line, but the editors didn't deem my input appropriate for their magazine. It was a disappointment and embarrassing at the time. It hasn't stopped me from participating in other interviews since then though. Recently, I interviewed with a woman who is making a documentary about Glaciology and I can't wait to see how that goes. You see, despite a few hiccups, I have found that hanging it all out has many benefits! I can't wait to see how I can show off what I've got this year!

I certainly have a tonne of other relationship and career goals. I want to teach more aerial and I am lining up some good opportunities to learn and then do so. I want to spend more time with friends that I haven't been spending enough time with lately. I want to find a way to work within my chosen profession in a more positive way. I don't need to love my job, but it needs to be tolerable and latter half of 2015 especially has not been tolerable. I may achieve more happiness in my day job through my therapy sessions, or I may achieve it by leaving one situation for another. The solution is yet to be seen. Some days I wish I had a crystal ball! Then again, where would the fun be in that?

A new year brings new opportunities and 2016 has all the promise of the newborn baby that it is! Let's do our best to raise 2016 to be a positive contributor to the world. Let's be good parents and make sure that 2016 is raised the right way! Is this the cheesiest metaphor you've heard this year? Or is it an analogy? I don't know, but it's full-on cheez and I love it!

Cheers, Jackie