If You're Going to Go Out, You Might As Well Go Out With a BANG!

Take your seats. The show is about to begin! Les Coquettes go out with a BANG!

When La Minouche spoke to the audience at last night's farewell Les Coquettes Cabaret Burlesque show, BANG!, and asked us if the show had ever lifted us out of a dark place or time in our lives, I clapped and shed a tear. I'm sure many other audience members did too. I am sure we have all had our different hardships. I am sure we have all had different experiences at a Les Coquettes show that have helped us too.

Maybe Charity Dawn and the Mohel made us laugh with the number Let's Duet. Maybe Dew Lily thrilled us and made our naughty bits tingle with his Junkie Nurse act. Maybe we watched in awe as Charlotte Webber or Suki Tsumani dazzled us with their aerial strength and beauty. Or, it could have been those stellar pipes of Dante Inferno belting out Lorde's Royals that brought a smile to our faces. It could have been one of these acts, or it could have been any number of their other amazing pieces!

I have so many amazing memories of Les Coquettes, as a fan, a friend and a volunteer. Five years ago, I went to my first Les Coquettes show. It was one of their (in)famous Halloween shows. I had never experienced burlesque before and to be honest, I've never experienced any other burlesque troupe since. I haven't felt the need to shop around looking for better entertainment in the scene. I don't think there is any other better entertainment out there!

Shortly after seeing my first show, I started to volunteer as an usher at their performances. I haven't missed one since. At first, I was very intimidated by the women and men of Les Coquettes. I saw them as the stars of the show and I saw myself as someone less. I would sneak into their dressing room and drop off my bags and change my clothes and head up the stairs to start my usher duties. I would say "hi" to one or two people, but I didn't want to get in the way. What a fool I was!

Soon enough, each member of the troupe made me feel welcome. These people are not only beautiful on the outside, they are beautiful on the inside. There was never a shortage of kind and encouraging words in the dressing room. When I saw how they treated each other - like a family - I felt more comfortable too. Soon my sheepish "hi" and "bye" became longer conversations and shared laughs. Soon, my blushing at a compliment became a returned compliment or a playful slap on the bum.

The funny thing is, as my comfort grew, my attire shrunk! Les Coquettes inspired me. There is no one type of beauty in that dressing room. All the women and men are sexy as hell, but they certainly are not all the same shape or size. They are sexy as hell because they are confident. They carry themselves with confidence. That is beautiful. That helped me to become more confident and not be ashamed of how I look, or self-conscious, or feel the need to cover up because of anyone other person's expectations of me.

But, returning to last night's show. One of the special things about Les Coquettes in the integration of aerial into their show. Of course, this is one of my favourite aspects! My very preggo silks instructor and friend, Charlotte Webber, AKA Natalie Fullerton, choreographed a beautiful, complex and compelling routine for her very best friend and "hetero lifemate" Suki Tsunami, AKA Lara Ebata, and damn! It was out-of-this-world! But, it made me cry. Not ball or weep, but shed a few tears.

If you weren't there, it will be hard to articulate the powerful message this performance made. To me, it truly was all about how we need to look for the light in the darkness. It was about how it is OK to reach out to those you love when you need help to get through a difficult time. It was about friendship. And, it was about loving each other. It was special. I am going to cry again while I write this. Damn it!

I need to thank my friends in Les Coquettes. Some of you I know very well. You have been a shoulder for me to lean on. You have been an ear when I have needed it. You have kicked my butt and made me stronger both physically and emotionally. I spend more time with some of you than I do with my own family, or friends that I have known for decades. I know last night wasn't goodbye. You're stuck with me!

Some of you I only see at shows, but you are amazing. La Minouche's/Catherine's blog, Playboy Mommy, is an inspiration. Her open and honest dialogue about all things is refreshing and I hope I can emulate some of that here. I want to learn the art of burlesque and dancing in high heels from Dew. I am going to work out with the Carpenter. And, if I can make other connections with other members, that would be amazing too!

What I am saying, is that I am grateful I had the opportunity to meet these wonderful individuals and that I could be a small part of their Les Coquettes family. If any of you are reading this, you are all very special and you'll be missed by many! Thank you bringing some light into my life. Thank you for allowing me to open up and be more confident and sexy. Thank you for being my friends! I will save images of all of you in my memory and when I need a little pick-me-up, I'll picture you shaking your glittery tatas or thrusting your scantily-clad pelvises in my direction!

When will I get to wear my false eyelashes, fascinator and leather bustier again?!

 XO, Jackie

P.S. Thank you to everyone who spoke to me or left me some kind words last week. I am still struggling with many unresolved issues, but knowing that I have a strong network of support means the world to me! Thank you for caring!

Where Did the Motivation Go?

I try to keep this as a positive place. A place where I can share and reflect on the good things that are happening in life. There are always good things happening in life, so why focus on the negative, right? I try. Today, I am losing that battle. Today, I am sharing a bit of rawness with you because my emotions are feeling pretty raw.

Nothing new has happened to bring on these thoughts and feelings. In fact, I have struggled with being a positive person for most of my life. When I was younger, a shrink did a number on my emotions at just the wrong time in my development. Needless to say, she took a fairly normal child that made a mistake and was facing a difficult situation at home and talked that child into depression.

To clarify, I got into some minor trouble by drinking too much. Alcohol poisoning isn't that uncommon among teenagers, but I got caught. The courts looked at a family situation that was happening and deemed it necessary for me to see a psychiatrist. For weeks I listened to her tell me I had suicidal thoughts and was trying to kill myself by drinking to excess and I said, "No. That's not me. I am OK. I made a mistake. It was only once." I was 14 years old though. Eventually, I started to believe her.

For the next three years I struggled with cutting, depression, more drinking and drugs, cutting class, fighting (verbally and physically) with people at school and my family. My younger sister couldn't stand to be in my presence. I would hit and throw things at my mom. I would lock myself away and cut and cry. I would ditch school all the time. One time, I ran away from home for 4 days. Another time, I evaded arrest. Yes, picture me running away and police chasing me. It was a difficult time in my life.

I am sure if I was a child now I would have some specific diagnosis. Oppositional Defiance Disorder is the one that springs to mind. Back in the early nineties though, I was told I have a problem with authority and anger management issues. I wasn't medicated. My family and I were left to deal with my issues and I think we did a pretty OK job. However, all of those feelings still exist in me.

As an adult, I have learned to control deal with my issues. Lately though, not so much. The weight of various issues in my life is pulling at me. I feel trapped and in general that my life is in a huge rut.

What's worse, is that a few weeks ago, I was on top of the world. Summer had just ended and I was feeling optimistic about a new start at a new school. I was on a circus high thanks to great workshops at CCAFT and a real sense of being a part of a community that I loved and appreciated while we rehearsed for Cascade. After Nuit Blanche ended I experienced a serious crash though.

My new school life is not what I was hoping for when I left my previous job. Being a new school, there are serious gaps in literally everything. Every day is a challenge because we don't have computers or supplies.  There are no consistent routines and the students are running wild. The academic output from the students has so many holes and gaps, I have no idea where to start most days. I am frustrated that we are not making the progress that I would like to see. The fact that most of my colleagues feel the same way is not boosting my mood in any way either.

Looking back, when I was surrounded by people at CCAFT, I saw and heard about the amazing things that Social Circus can accomplish. I spoke to inspirational people. I had ideas and leads and I was ready to take on a new initiative in my life. Now, reality is all around me. As I mentioned above, I have issues to deal with all day at work. I have marking that needs to come home at night. I have progress reports that need to be written. I have parent meetings, staff meetings, committee meetings. What I don't have, is time to work on my own passion projects.

Work takes over.

That's where I am at. I haven't moved ahead in anything. In fact, because I feel so emotionally shitty, I am not working out as much as I should. I am tired. I feel drained. I know in my heart and in my head that working out would make me feel better, but I can't get myself motivated. To do anything. And, that puts me into a negative spiral. Everyone around me suffers when I feel this way because I pick fights. I am just not nice to be around.

Ironically, as I am writing this post, the principal of my school sent out an email about "the teacher mindset." She included a link to a blog post about how to deal with these feelings. But, what do you do when you feel this way, but you don't have love for the job? If you feel like reading the post it can be found at:

The Teacher Mindset

I have to do something though. I can't sit here and wallow in my out self-pity. So, I have contacted a personal trainer. That gets started on October 28, and hopefully pushes me to take better care of myself physically and mentally. I am also going to see my family doctor. I should not be having anxiety in the car on the way to work. I should not be crying over my job. I also don't want to be medicated, so I am interested to see what direction she points me in when I see her tomorrow. It might go well. It might not.

I also have to speak with the people closest to me. There are things in my life that need to change, but require more than just change from me. That's the hardest part of transformation - the parts you don't control. I want to spend more time with friends and have their support, but we all need to make time for that to happen. Also, significant others need to be on the same page and working towards the same goals and sometimes that consensus is difficult to come to when you are at different places.

Reaching out though is the first step. It's a good step. I hope to make many more positive steps as I work though these issues. Thanks for listening and reading this far. It means so much.

Pause and Give Thanks

This weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada. I have to take a moment to reflect on what has been happening in the past two weeks. Life has been hectic, but surprisingly, not stressful. I have been existing in a constant state of movement, but I have also been very still and had the opportunity to meditate like I haven't ever meditated before. It really has been a special time for me.

On September 30, Jay and I reached another milestone in our relationship. We celebrated 13 years together. How amazing is that?! It's difficult to find many people these days who are willing to stick it out in any relationship - marriage, friendship, job - for that long.

My sweet Jay really is an amazing person. He is so selfless and supportive. I have been running around like a crazy person dealing with work changes, rehearsals, performances and more and he stays home and he cleans up after my messes. He helps with dinner or just makes it himself. He rubs my sore body. He makes me laugh. He hangs out with my mom and sister, even if I'm not around. He drags himself all over Toronto on cold evenings to see me hang in a warehouse. I love that guy and I am thankful for him being in my life!

I have been asked many times by many people, why we aren't married. Well, to tell you the truth, I consider us much more married than most married people I know! We didn't meet and then, after a year, get engaged and then, after another year, get married. We have been through it all! Well, not all of it, but lots of it. And, we have made things work for us. A piece of paper isn't going to change anything. In fact, I recently heard that the more you spend on a wedding, the more likely you are to get divorced. So, there you go. We have spent nothing on a wedding, so we'll be stuck with each other forever and that's just fine with me!

13 Years of Loooovvvee!

Did I mention he came to see me hang in a warehouse after entertaining my mom and sister for the afternoon? It was about 4 degrees Celsius late on Saturday, October 4  and early on Sunday, October 5, 2014. That didn't seem to stop me from sweating when 7:00 p.m. rolled around and it was showtime. I ran around that warehouse and hugged all of my friends who were there. It felt good to have that last little bit of friendly contact before taking to the ropes for the performance of Cascade.

An amazing thing happened though once the music started. My nerves started to dwindle as I was shaking through the first part of the performance. It felt good to just let go and embrace the movement. I kept my eyes closed most of the time, but when I did open them, it was amazing to see how many people were watching, taking it all in silently. Occasionally, I would see my mom and sister, who were sweet enough to come up and support me. Sometimes I would see Jay or another person taking a photo, but I tried not to let my ego get in the way of the movement. I let the shaking take me away from that place and it felt good, especially as a person who can admit to being too concerned with outward appearances and how other people see me. I am thankful for those moments.

Shaking it Out for Cascade at Nuit Blanche

 Once the climbing began, I had to become more aware. I had to see the other artists because I needed to be sure I was differentiating my height and movement from theirs. Once I started looking around, I also saw more of the audience. It was a generous crowd, which can be nerve-wracking. Everyone was so respectful though. A few people walked by me on the way out whispering thanks and praise. It really was quite amazing and I was on a performance high for the rest of the night. It took me all the way through to my 4:00 a.m. performance, which I think might have actually been stronger than the earlier one!

Hanging, Alienhead, and my fanclub!

 In addition, I had the privilege of watching some of the most amazing artists/performers/athletes I know of create magic with their bodies. I watched in awe as men and women pulled off amazing acts of strength and beauty in the wee hours of the night after already performing for 3 or 4 hours. I am humbled. They were all amazing. Everyone was amazing. I am so thankful for the experience and having met new friends and gotten to know old friends better.

Amazing artistry performed by Laura and Natasha

 So, within the chaos that is life, it is possible to find the quiet moments if you look for them. And, we should all pause to meditate on what we are thankful for in this moment. If you choose, shaking is an excellent way to loosen all of those ideas and thoughts that seem to be intertwined within us. Just let the movement take you away!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Jackie