Two weeks ago, I was driving to work and a van kicked a stone up and cracked my windshield. This meant an unexpected repair and an unexpected cost. I had it fixed over the weekend, paid the price and thought I was done with it. Nope. Turns out, the people that put in the new windshield messed something up (that's official car lingo, ya know) and now it sounds like a swarm of bees lives in my car if I'm driving over 75 km/h. I'm only guessing, but there's some broken or loose piece of plastic vibrating against my new windshield somewhere. I called the place where I got it fixed and of course they treated me like an idiot and ensured me that they had installed the part correctly and they couldn't do anything about it.
Why did I tell this boring car story? Well, on this day, this event is what set off my mood and made me question my whole existence. How? Simply because my car has to get me to work every day. If that doesn't make any sense to you (because you're a sane and normal person), let me walk you through my neurotic mindset.
1. Something went wrong. I got it fixed. The fix didn't work. I tried to remedy that. I didn't get the response I wanted. I now hate my car because it is an unwanted expense and source of frustration.
2. Once my car becomes a source of frustration, I then deflect that onto my job. If I didn't have this job that was so far away from my home, I wouldn't need a car. If I didn't need a car think about how much extra money I would have right now.
3. Wait, why don't I have more money? I make a good salary. I don't have children to support. I don't have a big mortgage or tonnes of debt. Where does all my money go?
4. What am I doing wrong? Why do all of my friends/family/strangers on the street have it so much better than me? Everyone lives in a nice house that they OWN. How can they afford that? Everyone gets to go on fancy vacations to exotic places around the world. Why do I have to skrimp and save just to go away for a few days in the summer? [**Note: In reality, I know that not everyone has it better than me**]
5. My job is an endless source of frustration and I thought I only did it for the financial security, but I don't have all of the things that I want. Why do I keep doing it? Everyone I know loves their job or, they're doing something important or meaningful. Why can't I do something that I love? [**Note: I know that not everyone loves their job**]
6. Wait, what do I love? What are my goals? I don't have any because I'm just trying to get through the day. I'm stuck.
The sixth statement is the one that has been bothering me the most lately. Friends, family and my therapist have all approached me with some form of this question... If you're not happy, what are your goals for the future? How are you going to make a change? I always answer the same way... Right now, I'm just so overwhelmed by my job, my goal is simply to get to the end of the day. When I walk into my classroom at 8:00 a.m., my goal for the future is to get to 3:40 p.m. without any sort of major incident.
How do I get beyond this feeling? How do I put aside my present to think about a better future? How do I find my passion? I've read about this. I've talked about this. I've thought about this. I don't have an answer that works right now. If you've made a big change in your life, what inspired you? What steps did you take to get you from the place you were to the place you wanted to be? What were your biggest challenges? How did you feel throughout the process? Are you happier now and was it all worth it? I hope that if I see, hear and understand the process, I'll be able to take steps to start it for myself. And hey, it never hurts to ask!
Cheers,
Jackie
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