Tangled, Untangled and Tangled Again

As the end of the school year drew to a close last week, the principal of my school sent the staff a reflective email detailing all of the accomplishments and successes of the school year. She noted that she had learned so much throughout this year and posed the question to the staff: What did you learn this year?

As a human, I have been pretty resistant to change in my life. Let's be honest, change is hard and it is much easier to settle into our route (or rut) of existence and stay the course. This year wasn't like that for me. I have tried to embrace change and growth. Along the way, I have learned a few things:

1. The change you want is not always the change you get. I've gotten myself caught up in this trap a few times over the years. The grass is always greener on the other side. I just need a fresh perspective and things are going to be so much different. Sure. Things might be different, but you might not like how they're different! The reality is, looking for happiness outside of yourself is a surefire way to find disappointment! I think this lesson has finally sunk in and helped me to understand this next lesson;

2. If you truly want change, you have to change yourself. Throughout my life, I've be-bopped around and found myself in one mess or another. Sometimes things aren't even a mess. They're just not what I've wanted. Damned unhappiness following me around like a rain cloud. I've always been quick to blame the other person, place, or thing getting in the way of my happiness. What did I do to deserve this? Why can't it just go away?! This year, I've learned that I may be putting myself in these situations through the choices that I'm making. Imagine! By not realizing this and not taking responsibility for my own actions, nothing changes and I get angry/upset/frustrated. When these feelings get too overwhelming, I run away again. I'm still angry and upset, the situation is just new. Which led me to my next lesson;

3. Being angry doesn't help. This one's a big one as I'm a pretty angry person. This year I was asked to question where that anger had gotten me lately. Did it make me happier in the end to fly off the handle? The answer was, it doesn't really help or make me feel better. Many times after an outburst, I feel embarrassed and apologetic. These days, I try to stop and think before I meltdown. I've actually used the words I say to myself to my students to help them through their anger, especially if it's something small. By stopping and thinking "Is this problem worth the upset?" or "Who is being hurt here by your anger - you or the other person?" or "Why are you choosing to let this small person/thing/occurrence ruin your day?" I'm not claiming that a "positive mindset" can cure all of your woes. I still get angry. I still meltdown. Try small steps though and see how you feel.

4. Looking at yourself critically and trying to change is always risky. Don't be afraid to take risks. I've put myself out there time and again this year and it feels great. Whether its been by questioning an authority figure (in a respectful way of course) about their own equity practices, or just being willing to openly and unashamedly hug my friends, I've been taking risks this year. I've performed in front of hundreds of people at Nuit Blanche. I've performed in front of my mentors at Aertime. I've pushed through injuries to become a stronger and better aerialist. I've been writing about my successes and defeats here on this blog. I've worked with young people teaching aerial this year for the first time, and I've submitted proposals to be involved in more epic adventures with the great artists of this city.

Yesterday, I performed a piece for the third time. It's not often that I have an opportunity to perform the same piece for different audiences. My first run through ended in a tangled mess. I had to come down and start again. Surprisingly, I wasn't upset. I was able to shake it off and get up there and take on that creature again and win! I was pretty damned proud of myself!  I've realized that my self-worth isn't teethered to any one aspect of my life. As long as I'm imperfect, I have lots of room to grow and learn and change. We all do :)

Things look like they're going well, but really I'm all tangled up!
It's kinda like life, isn't it?!

Cheers!

Jackie

And We Wonder Why People Don't Get Mental Health Help Before It's Too Late...

On September 20, 2014, I contacted my doctor's office in need of help. I asked specifically if I could speak to my doctor about some mental health issues that I had been dealing with on my own for quite a while. I was feeling overwhelmed and I was feeling like I was drowning.

This was a big step for me. If you've followed my journey so far, you will know that I have not had the best of experiences with mental health professionals in the past. It seems as though this will not change for me unfortunately.

I was told by the woman arranging appointments that my doctor was on vacation and she wouldn't be able to see me until well after she returned because she needed to see her "urgent care" patients first. Blow number one in my pursuit of mental health.

On October 25, I finally made it into my doctor's office. She did all but laugh at me when I was pouring my heart out to her about my feelings of anxiety and depression. At one point, she actually looked at me and said, "Awwwww..." as though I was a child who had scuffed my knee. She continued on to say that at least I wasn't as bad as some of her patients who suffer from depression because at least I knew why I was depressed. Huh? Thanks for making me feel like an inadequate whiner. Blow number two and three.

She went on to print out some book suggestions that I should read to help me. You know, because I wasn't as bad off as her other patients suffering from depression. When I pressed her to speak with someone, a mental health professional, she hesitated before telling me that she hadn't had great luck with the social work team that works in their network. Then she changed her mind and told me that because I wasn't too badly off, I might have some success talking to them, unlike her other worse-off patients. Great. Way to instill confidence. Now I know that your sub par team can at least handle my measly issues. Blow number four.

It seems as though she was right though. I waited two weeks for a call from the social work department. Apparently, they conduct "intake interviews" over the phone with new patients. The call never came, so I called back. I was told I would get an email soon to arrange a time. It never came. I called a week later and finally they set up a time for me. It was difficult because they wanted to talk during the day before 4:00p.m. and I don't have a job that I can step away from to make or take a call. I was finally able to make an appointment for November 25. A full 2 months from the date I had first reached out, I was finally going to make contact with someone.

Do you want to guess what happened yesterday? No call ever came. What did I do? I called the office back today. They could not tell me why I wasn't called. They were kind enough to help me make another appointment though. It's on December 22. I am supposed to wait another month just to speak to someone on the phone. Blow number five and six.

I know that our medical system is overwhelmed with people looking for help and I know that the mental health system is in even worse shape. That being said, when people are brave enough to reach out for help, someone should be there to help them. They should not have their problems belittled. They should not be put on hold for months. They should not be brushed off completely. It's a disgusting and terrible thing to do to someone who needs help and has asked for that help explicitly.

Thankfully, I have a good network of support. I have people. Not everyone does though and those are the people that I worry about. Mental health issues are real issues. We need to do better. I am sick of hearing about people harming others and themselves because their mental health needs were not addressed. Unfortunately, as I have learned all too well over the past months, mental health needs are the last ones to be addressed by our healthcare system. It's shameful. But, if you've experienced what I have, don't give up. Keep reaching out and eventually someone will take your hand.

Cheers, Jackie