Getting Past the September Slump

September is an exhausting month for me and thankfully it is almost over.  I spend July and August as a (mostly) free spirit. I get up when I want. I eat when I want. I spend time with myself doing what I want with few responsibilities. And then it's September and everything changes.

September brings early mornings and long commutes in traffic. September brings meal planning and prepping and regimented times to eat and go to the bathroom. Most of all, September means that I need to shift my mental focus away from myself and towards the young people that I am responsible for inspiring on a daily basis.

Please don't read this and think that I'm complaining about my vacation time, or the fact that I'm back to work. I'm not. However, the other day I was feeling down and pretty uninspired and I had to wonder, why? Teachers have always been sensitive to the fact that some children have a difficult time transitioning back into the routine of school days however I had never really reflected on my own feelings during this time.

At the moment, my creativity is being used to plan engaging lessons for my students. I am building relationships with 28 new people. Each one of them is different. Each one of them has expectations of me. Some come to school with bad feelings about their previous teachers or experiences in education. Some come with a set of challenges that I need to learn, understand, work with, and carefully balance. I am trying to hook them for the year and I don't have very many opportunities to create that hook. It's not easy and the stress is real!

All of those carefree things I was doing in the summer have been put on the back burner. I'm tired, so going out to hula hoop seems like work. I'm still trying to recover my strength after an injury, so training aerial silks feels frustrating. I've spent the day writing lesson plans, so staring at a computer trying to generate ideas to share in a blog post doesn't seem like fun, and I feel like I don't really have anything interesting to say anyways. With all of that negativity taking up space in my brain, no wonder I was feeling badly! 

Luckily for me, the universe saw that I was in need and presented a few perfect solutions for my melancholy. First, my amazing aerial instructor is planning a student showcase for November. Choreographing an act and working towards this showcase is just what I need to get my personal creative juices flowing! I am often motivated by working towards a goal and for me creating a new routine is a wonderful challenge. I was also fortunate enough to experience circus performers from around the world put on amazing and thought-provoking shows during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this summer, so I'm happy to say that I have more than enough inspiration to draw on for this performance. It will be my first performance after my injury, so I am trying to be kind to myself, but I'm quite excited to get back on stage!

I am also in the midst of fostering some new writing ideas, also for the circus world. I have been networking with other writers, discussing how we can foster the circus writing community, and make it a sustainable way for performers and writers to make a living wage. I spent part of my summer working with circus writer/reviewer extraordinaire Katherine Kavanaugh, founder of the online circus website, Circus Diaries. With her support, I realised this summer that my writing voice is appreciated and it is needed. I want to promote the outstanding work that is being created here in Toronto, Ontario. I want to bring it to an audience outside of the immediate community.  I have reached out to organizations and received media accreditation so that I can review shows when they are playing here and build audiences for circus productions outside of the world of Cirque du Soliel. The hope is that with a wider audience,  more international shows will make Toronto a stop on their tours.

Self-reflection is a pretty amazing thing. Having spent the time to think about what bothers me and then creating a plan to get past those feelings has helped me to make it over my September Slump. Whatever you do to get past your slumps, be it writing, performing, painting, or yodeling, just be sure to carve out some time for yourself and do it! If you're feeling uninspired, reach out to your community and find inspiration in what others are doing. Challenge yourself to try something new-to-you. If you're still feeling meh then have a nap and try again in the morning! Just don't quit trying, OK?!                                                             

Cheers! Jackie

Back to School 2018 - The New School Edition

It's been a while. Someone recently pointed that out to me. I think it's because I got into the habit of writing when things weren't going well, when I was feeling desperate to purge the negativity inside of myself. That's changed though. I've learned to use new tools to work through those feelings. I've also been working diligently to move forward in my life and not dwell/wallow in what is not working for me. Change and opportunity are over every horizon and I can no longer keep my eyes cast downward. I am approaching all that I can with my eyes wide open and ready to embrace what comes my way. If it's not coming my way, I'm ready to change paths and directions and chase it down and make opportunities to grow.

What's new? It's a new year and this September that means a new school for me. I am looking forward to working with and learning from a whole new group of teacher people. They are a dynamic group and I see many of their names attached to projects in and around the school board where I work. Many of them are leaders and innovators and I hope that I can continue to build my own practice in their presence and some of my own brand of crazy rubs off on them too!

I have been working in one community for the past 10 years, so I am also very excited to begin working with children that have different perspectives and life experiences. What will they be like? How can I help them enjoy school? What can I do to make their day better? What opportunities can I provide them? Will they like and accept me as their teacher? Will they be disappointed they don't have Mr. So-and-So or Ms. Whatchamacallit? Only time will tell, but I am ready for the responsibility presented to me every September - that is to make sure every child comes to school and feels safe and accepted enough to learn. It's a big responsibility. Parents entrust their child to me every morning and no matter where I teach I begin my day with that thought in mind. 

July 21, 2018, Community protest against changes made to the 2015 Health & Phys Ed curriculum. The government expects teachers to revert to the 1998 version of the curriculum, which does not address consent, cyberbullying, different family structures, etc. High school students Frank Hong and Rayne Fisher-Quann organized this rally to protest "an unprecedented assault on students' right to a fair and up-to-date education." (quote from Facebook event page)

This year there are new challenges being presented to teachers from beyond the classroom. A new government has been elected. It's the first change of government I've experienced in my 10 years of teaching. Their mandate is not to make education better. It is to make it more economical and efficient. The rollbacks include more than just funding. They include some of the progress made for marginalized communities, including LGBTQ2 and indigenous students. The fight against these rollbacks has been raging all summer long and there is still uncertainty as the school year begins. I am encouraged to see young people leading the way and adding their voices to the debate. It is their education, their future! The bureaucracy will work its way through the courts and halls of government and in the meantime, the rest of us will continue do what we do. Teach in a fair and just way. 

Deep Learning: Shedding a Light on a Dark Past

As a teacher, I often have the opportunity to enjoy professional learning of my choosing that is provided by our school board. We are encouraged to pursue our learning goals and be "life-long learners." Personally, I am very interested in outdoor experiential learning and indigenous culture and fortunately for me, these are two areas that my school board is also focused on at the moment. So, yesterday I got up early and drove to Sutton, Ontario and boarded a little boat that shuttled me and a group of teachers to the Georgina Island First Nation. It was a brisk, bright morning and we were all abuzz, excited for the day ahead.

We were greeted by our "deep nature connection" mentors Chris, Skeet and Alexis. They are all experts in the field of outdoor education and survival. Despite their expertise they were humble and told us many times that their knowledge of outdoor survival skills, although much greater than the average person, paled in comparison with the knowledge of indigenous peoples of the past. As Chris told us, "Indigenous knowledge is knowing a tree like you know a family member, or a best friend." They spoke of how our lives are so disconnected from nature and the natural world, so much so that to many nature is nothing but an "abstract concept." Abstract. Something they do not understand. Something that is unclear.

As I participated in the activities provided for us, including identifying the uses for different plants and starting a fire using a bow drill, I thought about my own need to be constantly connected via my phone. I thought about the pictures I wanted to take of the activities and how I wanted to "tweet" about events. "Why is this so? Why can't I just enjoy the time and live the experience?" I thought to myself. Then I thought about my students at school and the constant battle it is to try and get them to ditch their phones for just a second, how they are constantly checking their updates and in contact with their friends and parents -- even throughout the school day. I thought about our school technology policy and how we are making it more lenient because taking away a child's phone is like "taking away their pencil" and they can't do anything without it.

It made me sad for myself. It made me sad for my students.

If those thoughts made me sad, the next part of the day stirred emotions in me that made me angry, outraged, devastated, yet hopeful. Shannon Crate, a member of the Chippewas of Georgina Island First Nation, greeted us with such warmth and openness. She began the afternoon with a smudge. What a beautiful ceremony. Each of us participated because a sage smudge can be done by anyone. Through the smudge we washed our hands so they would do no harm. We washed our heads and asked the Creator for an open mind and wisdom. We took it to our ears to remind us to listen carefully --- we have two ears and only one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we speak. We took it to our mouths so that we are reminded to speak only kind words. We took it to our eyes to see the beauty and good that is around us in this world and we took it to our feet so that we would walk in a good way. Scientifically speaking, smudging a room is known to rid it of toxins, but spiritually speaking, it is an excellent reminder to us of how we can be better people. 

Shannon was very open with us. She encouraged us to ask as many questions of her as wanted because that is the only way we can learn. She spoke a word that I've never heard before and that word was "Indigegogy." As an educator, I know about pedagogy. It is the method or practice of teaching an academic topic. It is constantly changing. Sometimes it's controversial. Sometimes it seems downright silly. It is part of the job. Indigegogy though is different. It is teaching the "Indian way" as Shannon put it, and it hasn't changed for many, many years. Before colonization, young indigenous people would learn through the stories of their elders. Their elders didn't provide answers for the questions they were asked. They told stories and it was up to the listener to find the answer to their question within the story. Indigegogy isn't hierarchical, with a teacher at the front and students sitting in row listening. It is about sitting with a group in a circle, sharing with one another. It is about going out and experiencing the land and participating in what is being learned. It seems right to me, but also foreign and difficult because I was taught a different way. 

Shannon shared many stories with us that highlighted the struggles that she has faced as a First Nations woman throughout her life. These are her stories. They aren't mine to retell here. The stories I will retell are those of the children that suffered through the residential school era -- a dark time in Canadian history. A disgusting time. A time that brings shame (or should bring shame) to all of us. She talked of the children who were snatched from their parents, leaving mothers, fathers, and communities without a heartbeat.  She talked of the children left to die of disease and starvation.  She talked of the abuses perpetrated against theses children by the people that were supposed to be caring for them. She talked of forced sterilization of young girls so they wouldn't get pregnant because of the sexual abuses they suffered. She talked of the experiments performed on these children by so-called medical doctors. She talked of the people who lost their identities through enfranchisement and who are still searching for their kin. She talked about our First Nations people being the only people in the world who have to apply to the government to have their culture accepted and legally verified. She spoke of the disproportionate number of First Nations men and women that fill our prison system and suffer from addiction. And, it's not as though I was unaware of these issues, but it's different to hear about them from a person who is connected closely to the issue while sitting on the land of the people who have suffered so much. It's just different. The tears around me told me so. 

As I got back on that boat, feeling the cool spray on my face, I reflected back on the day and the learning. There is so much work to be done in this country to rectify the injustices perpetrated against First Nations peoples. There is much learning to be done by all of us, not only in the education community, but as a whole. The door is open though. There is a ray of light shining on that dark past and we shouldn't hide from it. We should look at it in the face and accept it and then begin to change and make our country a stronger and brighter place for all of its people. I'm going to start in my classroom. Where will you begin? 

Georgina Island First Nation

Cheers,

Jackie


 

Work Hard. Play Hard: Female Entreprenuers in Contemporary Circus

I recently wrote a blog post for Circus Sessions that was featured on the Harbourfront Centre Blog. Due to word restrictions, I was unable to include all of these juicy details from both Jamie Holmes and Katelyn McCulloch. I thought I would post an extended version of the original post here. I hope you enjoy it!

Mere months ago, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, announced his first cabinet. For the first time in Canadian history, it was made up of equal numbers of men and women. When asked why, he quipped, “Because it’s 2015.” Touché, however here in Canada not all things are equal. Despite holding higher levels of education, women in Canada struggle with equity in the workplace. Women are less likely to climb the corporate ladder,  twice as likely to work part-time and make, on average, 19% less than men (1).

Entrepreneurship is one way to sidestep the gender gap in the corporate world. Jamie Holmes and Katelyn McCulloch, are successful female entrepreneurs and a part this year’s Circus Sessions. Jamie is a professional performer and instructor, co-founder of La Rouge Entertainment, an events company in Toronto, and owner of Raw Super Balls, an organic snack food company. Katelyn is a professional actress, dancer and aerialist, cofounder of No Parachute Theatre and teaches movement classes under her brand, McCulloch Movement. These busy women discuss some of the rewards and challenges of being a female entrepreneur in the circus world.

Circus Sessions: How have you managed to balance the demands on yourself to have multiple jobs?

Photo: Nick Lee

Jamie: I wouldn’t trade being self-employed for anything, but it can be overwhelming. I love what I do. I love rehearsing. I love teaching and planning recitals and tropical retreats for my students.  My relationships are also extremely important to me, so I make sure that I get at least two friend visits in each week on top of training with my friends, and make sure that I have a day with my guy.  All that being said, shows, opportunities and life things arise which is when you have to revamp it all. Scheduling and rescheduling are a big part of my life.

Photo Courtesy: Facebook

Katelyn: I am constantly reevaluating my life and what I have on the go. What has helped me is every day I ask myself: what am I doing for myself, for my relationships, and for my career?  It's not about everything being perfectly in line it's just about taking the time to acknowledge the things that are important to me and setting myself up for a balanced lifestyle.

CS: When you are “selling” yourself or members of your events business as performers, how important is it to highlight your sexuality to a potential client?

J: I feel that I personally will pitch according to watch I’m going after, if I feel that it is appropriate, and if I don’t think that it will compromise anything.

K: When I am pitching I never highlight sexuality or appearance, but rather an emphasis on style. I send people to my site where there is video and photos and let them decided if I'm what they're looking for for their event. I can't control if people perceive it as sexy, good or crap. I wouldn't be offended if a request was for a sexy act. I feel comfortable with language like that around aerial work, but if it become explicit or degrading I'd have no problem leaving.

CS: Earlier in your dance career you had some uncomfortable experiences. Do you have any advice for others as to how to avoid these types of situations, or how to respond to them if they do arise?

J: I was young and naive and really eager to work so I allowed that “want” to get in the way of my values unfortunately. I would say that no job is worth sacrificing yourself. No matter how “big and fabulous” it seems in the moment, don’t compromise yourself. My advice is to walk away if things start to get sticky. Trust your gut - it always knows.   

CS: Do you think that female entrepreneurs are well represented in the circus and/or event industry, or do you think that there is still work to be done in this area?

J: I do think that women are well represented in this industry.  Ninety percent of my friends are all well-established entrepreneurs, many of the people that I have worked with and for in the circus industry have been females and I’m working with women more than 50% of the time with my corporate events.

CS: Do you have any women that you look up to because of their experience in the industry, or because they are doing exceptional or innovative things?

J: I look up to the women in this industry that are mothers and pursuing their careers while raising kids. I look up to artists that have overcome huge adversity and move forward and express themselves through art. I look up to all of my friends who offer their brilliant opinions when needed. I know a lot of absolutely amazing women, all with unique and ever-inspiring qualities.  

K: First and foremost is Heather Kentner who owns and operates Cirque-ability and is the reason I have a career as a circus artist. She inspires me every day with her ability to run a successful business while being a mom and amazing friend. Brandy Leary for always questioning and seeing the bigger picture. Angola Murdoch who is a circus mama in so many ways and always has a look out for my safety and offering advice on coaching and performing. Holly Treddenick who creates unique opportunities for emerging and professional artists to develop.

CS: Finally, what would you say to young women who might be interested in joining the contemporary circus world as an entrepreneur?

J: It’s a fantastic world filled with strong, brilliant people with fantastic ideas. There are so many different and empowering avenues to pursue. It’s hard work, but it’s immensely rewarding and worth it. Do it!

K: Be humble, ask questions and be true to you. There are so many different paths to take in circus, whether it's recreational, coaching, performing corporate work, creating your own show, fusing together aerial and something else, being an agent or co ordinator. To figure it out, take class, go to people's shows, be a part of community events, seek out mentors, take people for coffee and ask questions. It will help you discover your own artistic practice.

1. Closing the Gender Gap - Canada https://www.oecd.org/canada/Closing%20The%20Gender%20Gap%20-%20Canada%20FINAL.pdf

When Motherhood and Circus Meet

Photo courtesy of Holly Treddenick

I have been writing about women, feminism and circus as part of the upcoming Circus Sessions. This is the unedited version of the latest blog that you can find on the Harbourfront Centre website. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks to Holly Treddenick for this great opportunity!

Motherhood is a rewarding time in a woman’s life, but it comes with many challenges. When you’re a mother and your job description includes flying high above the crowd performing trapeze or aerial silks, walking tall on stilts, clowning and acrobatics, you are presented with a unique set challenges only a circus mother could understand.

Pregnancy poses physical changes for all women. When you are a circus performer, a changing body and growing baby can certainly create new challenges, but this doesn’t mean an abrupt end to performing. “[During] my first pregnancy, I kept on doing trapèze until the end of my seventh month, because I was in very good shape and I needed to keep on doing things that were part of my life and meaningful to me, such as performing in our circus show,” said Adèll Nodé-Langois, who is a clown and this year’s Circus Sessions mentor. Although some audience members were shocked to see a pregnant trapeze artist, she says others found it very beautiful and deeply moving.

Other performers do opt to stop performing during pregnancy. “As a circus artist there was of course the danger element. I needed to stop all risky activity in order to prevent harm to the baby....I was 4 months pregnant before I stopped walking on stilts. I did however stop all aerials work and stuck purely to my conditioning,” said Vanessa Furlong, singer, stilt-walker, acrobat and mother to a 2.5 year old little boy and one of this year’s participants.

Each woman I spoke with had a different experience throughout her pregnancy or pregnancies. One notable commonality was that their doctors all seemed to support them as performers and athletes. “My husband is an Ob/Gyn and he was pretty relaxed... I think his opinion was the more active a pregnant woman is, the easier her pregnancy will be,” said Rachelle Elie, who is a comedian, clown and artist. This seemed to be a common sentiment. “I had a midwife and she was pretty cool about it. She thought I should definitely keep training, at least light training, because that's what my body was used to,” according to Angola Murdoch, a participant in the inaugural Circus Sessions.

The need to bounce back and be ready physically and mentally to perform is important for circus professionals, because they depend on their bodies to make a living and support their families. Angola’s daughter, Luella, was born in September 2014, and was only 8 months old when mom participated in Circus Sessions last year. “Definitely my body is slower, my muscles remember what to do, but they aren't on the same page as my brain. It also has to do with the fact that I don't sleep for long periods of time anymore,” Angola says.  Circumstances also affect the time it takes for an artist to regain that physical strength. An emergency C-section meant Vanessa had an extended recovery time and needed to be patient with her body to ensure it was properly healed before getting back on her stilts or trapeze. A second pregnancy also presents new challenges. “[My] second took a lot more time physically to feel strong like I did pre-pregnancy. [It] was much tougher because I had to chase around a 2 year old and also child care was complicated,” said Rachelle.

While sometimes the physical shift of pregnancy can be complicated, emotionally and mentally, being a mother can add a whole new dimension to an artist’s work.  “Emotionally I'm finding myself wanting to express myself differently in my creations. I'm driven more by emotion,” said Angola.  A new mental strength and clarity can also come from a pregnancy. “I felt very strong mentally and emotionally during my pregnancy and I felt like I had some major breakthroughs as a performer pregnant. I felt grounded and also didn't waste time with things I didn't want to do,” added Rachelle.

Like many mothers returning to work, guilt affects how these mothers moved forward in their careers. “I had to set aside the new feelings of guilt in pursuing my passion rather than being at home with him,” said Vanessa of her choice to go back to training when her son was a baby. Others have made their sacrifices when their children are older. Dana Dugan, a trapeze artist and one of the founding members of the Chicago Contemporary Circus Festival, has two children, 16 year-old Audrey and 14 year-old Noah. Three years ago, Dana decided to move from her native California to Chicago, Illinois, to pursue her dreams.  Up until the very last minute, her two kids were going to move to Chicago with her, but then changed their minds and decided to stay in California with their father. With tears in her voice, she says of her decision’s effect on her children, “They have a much happier mother because I am doing what I want to do, as opposed to the mother who sat in traffic for 1.5 hours every day to do a job I hated. Doing what is best for me is what is best for my family. I still sometimes wrestle with that guilt.” Dana, who says she has struggled with depression over her choice to relocate, is also angry about the judgement that comes along with tough decisions like hers. “I can’t even go back to San Pedro because people think I abandoned my children to follow my dream. I left so I could work in a place that was within my means. Men do this all the time. Families do this all the time. But because I am a woman, an artist and I do circus, I am looked at differently. I had to go though, or I would be living on the street.”  

For the most part, family and circus fit well together and the women I spoke to have strong support systems that have helped them follow their passions. Adèll’s daughter, Ellie, was born in her circus trailer and raised in the show. Now 18 years old, she is an artist who wants to pursue politics in post-secondary school. Vanessa’s son already loves circus, and has been involved in infant classes at her circus school. It must come naturally because he’s been with mom since the beginning. “My partner and I found a way to compromise at first. He brought my lil guy to my practices and they watched from the gallery upstairs. When I heard the hunger cry, I ran upstairs, breast fed, and ran back down to finish my training. It felt really good to introduce my family to my circus family and vice versa,” she says. Luella, Angola’s daughter, has a blossoming career of her own even though she is only 1.5 years old. “She has even choreographed a short act on the bottom bar of my tight wire. She practiced over 30 times and then another circus friend came over to visit and she showed her the act and took a big bow at the end. This showed me she has been watching this whole time and also this is what she thinks normal kids do,” says Angola. Dana feels that the circus is one reason her children are the amazing people they are today. “My kids would just go with the flow [because of my training]. The fact that they have had to just roll with it means that they have become so well-adjusted. They are polite, they are smart, well-mannered. They will talk to anyone. The circus in general has a family feel. The kids are always welcomed and treated well,” she says.  And of course, the kids are some of mom’s biggest fans. “I love that my mom is a comedian, and the fact that she uses comedy on and off stage to always cheer us up and lighten our spirits. It is also a cool job according to my friends, so that is another advantage. And now that I am 14, I can see my mom's shows and enjoy them. She is quite the comedian!” says Dante, Rachelle’s son. Of course, mom, Rachelle, is over the moon, “It warms my heart that my son [said] that! So, so sweet.”

Being a mom is not an easy job. Being a circus professional is not an easy job. These women are up to the task though. They are inspirational reminders that women can pursue their dreams and passions and be amazing mothers at the same time.  

How I've Been Dealing with Chronic Pain ~ Naturally

I have some of the best friends! I know that we all say these things, but I seriously, I have the best friends! I am eternally grateful that they are always happy to share their knowledge, their talents and time with me.

My amazing friend, Jackie McCaffrey is a talented performer and knowledgeable holistic nutritionist. Her website is a plethora a knowledge and I highly recommend you visit her blog to get some amazing recipes. While she is away enjoy a well-deserved aerial/yoga retreat in sunny Costa Rica, she invited me to contribute to her blog. This is what I wrote. I hope you enjoy the read, learn a little bit, leave a comment and start following Jackie immediately!

Cheers,

Jackie

What Am I Doing Wrong? and Other Important Questions

Do you ever sit and ask yourself, "What am I doing wrong?" I ask myself this question ALL the time, yet I never seem to get the answer that I'm looking for back. At these moments, I question every single decision that I've ever made in my life. Notably, they are all the wrong decisions.

Two weeks ago, I was driving to work and a van kicked a stone up and cracked my windshield. This meant an unexpected repair and an unexpected cost. I had it fixed over the weekend, paid the price and thought I was done with it. Nope. Turns out, the people that put in the new windshield messed something up (that's official car lingo, ya know) and now it sounds like a swarm of bees lives in my car if I'm driving over 75 km/h. I'm only guessing, but there's some broken or loose piece of plastic vibrating against my new windshield somewhere. I called the place where I got it fixed and of course they treated me like an idiot and ensured me that they had installed the part correctly and they couldn't do anything about it.

Why did I tell this boring car story? Well, on this day, this event is what set off my mood and made me question my whole existence. How? Simply because my car has to get me to work every day. If that doesn't make any sense to you (because you're a sane and normal person), let me walk you through my neurotic mindset.

1. Something went wrong. I got it fixed. The fix didn't work. I tried to remedy that. I didn't get the response I wanted. I now hate my car because it is an unwanted expense and source of frustration.

2. Once my car becomes a source of frustration, I then deflect that onto my job. If I didn't have this job that was so far away from my home, I wouldn't need a car. If I didn't need a car think about how much extra money I would have right now.

3. Wait, why don't I have more money? I make a good salary. I don't have children to support. I don't have a big mortgage or tonnes of debt. Where does all my money go?

4. What am I doing wrong? Why do all of my friends/family/strangers on the street have it so much better than me? Everyone lives in a nice house that they OWN. How can they afford that? Everyone gets to go on fancy vacations to exotic places around the world. Why do I have to skrimp and save just to go away for a few days in the summer? [**Note: In reality, I know that not everyone has it better than me**]

5. My job is an endless source of frustration and I thought I only did it for the financial security, but I don't have all of the things that I want. Why do I keep doing it? Everyone I know loves their job or, they're doing something important or meaningful. Why can't I do something that I love? [**Note: I know that not everyone loves their job**]

6. Wait, what do I love? What are my goals? I don't have any because I'm just trying to get through the day. I'm stuck.

The sixth statement is the one that has been bothering me the most lately. Friends, family and my therapist have all approached me with some form of this question... If you're not happy, what are your goals for the future? How are you going to make a change? I always answer the same way... Right now, I'm just so overwhelmed by my job, my goal is simply to get to the end of the day. When I walk into my classroom at 8:00 a.m., my goal for the future is to get to 3:40 p.m. without any sort of major incident.

How do I get beyond this feeling? How do I put aside my present to think about a better future? How do I find my passion? I've read about this. I've talked about this. I've thought about this. I don't have an answer that works right now. If you've made a big change in your life, what inspired you? What steps did you take to get you from the place you were to the place you wanted to be? What were your biggest challenges? How did you feel throughout the process? Are you happier now and was it all worth it? I hope that if I see, hear and understand the process, I'll be able to take steps to start it for myself. And hey, it never hurts to ask!

Cheers,

Jackie

New Year 2.016

At this same time last year, I sat down to reflect on another year passed and looked to set goals for a year yet to come. I felt the hopefulness of a new year, as I'm sure many of you did too. I resolved to meet 2015 with an open mind and an open heart. I resolved to work to make myself a better person and to help the world and people around me.

As it turns out, 2015 was a tumultuous year, not just for me, but for people around me and the world as a whole. When I say it was tumultuous, I don't mean to say it was all bad. Sometimes an upset in the status quo is a good thing. I can't help but think about the federal election held here in Canada. Talk about tumultuous! One day, Stephen Harper is running the country like some maniacal dictator and the next, he's giving up the leadership of the Progressive Conservative party that he burned to the ground. From those ashes arose a new, young and vibrant leader. Justin Trudeau's leadership is still in it's early days. He has much to contend with - a struggling economy, a world held hostage by madmen and terrorists, an environment that is screaming for rescue - but I have hope that fresh ideas and a modern approach to these issues can make an impact here and around the world. The coming year will certainly test the resolve of this new government, but at least the more progressively-minded folks of our nation will no longer have to hang our heads in shame when speaking of our country's leadership.

Voting is cool! We learned that this year. 

Mind and Body

Last year I set some goals for myself and, to be honest, didn't follow through on all of them. I am most disappointed that I didn't listen to my body enough and I am dealing with an injury yet again. I am starting off this year with some fitness goals in mind and I am not going to fall short this time. I am kick starting my year with a 7-day detox created by my good friend and holistic nutritionist, Jackie McCaffrey. This is not a starvation diet, or a juice cleanse. It is an all around reset for my mind and body. By cleansing my body of harmful toxins, and settling into some mindful habits, especially sleep habits, I am hoping to get rid of a few extra pounds from my body and a little extra weight off my shoulders. Her nighttime suggestions include getting a full 7-8 hours of sleep and turning off the electronics a full hour before bed. To help the mind relax she suggested unwinding with some meditative colouring and breathing. A full hour seems like a big commitment since I am planning on getting up at 5:00 a.m. most days to hit the gym before work. I'm going to try for a half hour!

There's that 5:00 a.m. wake up call thing. I have to make some changes in my workout routine or I am going to keep injuring myself. As I get older, these injuries are causing me more issues for a longer time. By taking a more holistic approach to fitness, I hope to nip this in the bud. So, early morning cardio and light weight-training are going to be my goal. It's going to be hard, but I can do hard! I'm also getting more into stretching and pilates and hopefully within six weeks of the new year, I want to be back in the air! I have a goal, I have to work to meet it. Good things aren't known to come easily!

Get Out of That Comfort Zone!

Aertime - June 6, 2015

Glaciology - October 3, 2015

I tried to put myself out there in 2015. It sometimes went really well. It sometimes didn't. The first half of the year was pretty quiet, but then things really got rolling in June. I performed in my first AerTime, which was a pretty big deal! Aertime is a showcase where professional circus performers present "works in progress" and then receive feedback from the audience. I had a blast, but was nervous as hell performing alongside some of my mentors! Then, I performed with my girl, Jackie McCaffrey in front of an audience for Lonny's Smile, a children's charity. What an honour! Finally, there was Glaciology. This was by far the most outside my comfort zone I've been while performing. In this contemporary dance piece, a large group of artists rolled over each other and through the streets of Toronto throughout the 12-hour long Nuit Blanche festival. I am not one for being touchy-feely, so this was challenging. I made it though and now I can hug just about anyone!

I didn't fare so well with my Chatelaine interview. I tried to be honest and put it on the line, but the editors didn't deem my input appropriate for their magazine. It was a disappointment and embarrassing at the time. It hasn't stopped me from participating in other interviews since then though. Recently, I interviewed with a woman who is making a documentary about Glaciology and I can't wait to see how that goes. You see, despite a few hiccups, I have found that hanging it all out has many benefits! I can't wait to see how I can show off what I've got this year!

I certainly have a tonne of other relationship and career goals. I want to teach more aerial and I am lining up some good opportunities to learn and then do so. I want to spend more time with friends that I haven't been spending enough time with lately. I want to find a way to work within my chosen profession in a more positive way. I don't need to love my job, but it needs to be tolerable and latter half of 2015 especially has not been tolerable. I may achieve more happiness in my day job through my therapy sessions, or I may achieve it by leaving one situation for another. The solution is yet to be seen. Some days I wish I had a crystal ball! Then again, where would the fun be in that?

A new year brings new opportunities and 2016 has all the promise of the newborn baby that it is! Let's do our best to raise 2016 to be a positive contributor to the world. Let's be good parents and make sure that 2016 is raised the right way! Is this the cheesiest metaphor you've heard this year? Or is it an analogy? I don't know, but it's full-on cheez and I love it!

Cheers, Jackie

"This is 40ish"... Right?!

About a month ago, I was invited to participate in an interview for Chatelaine magazine. This was an open call that I responded to from a Facebook post. The first 45 respondents were invited to the Chatelaine office to participate in a photoshoot and video interview.

The woman who responded to my email told me to come in an outfit that made me feel great and that they would provide interview questions on the day of the interview. I chose a simple outfit ~ jeans and black tank and blazer. I put on some cute accessories and did my make-up just so, accentuating a bold, red lip. I had just had my hair done. I felt confident. I felt gorgeous. I felt excited to be a part of the process!

The photoshoot went really well. The photographer was upbeat. The setting was easy. I laughed and had a lot of fun! Admittedly, I was a bit nervous for the video interview. They would not tell us the questions that we were to be asked. It was to be candid. As the questions were posed to me, I felt that I answered honestly. I did my best to articulate myself and my feelings clearly, and although I wasn't exactly happy with some of my responses, they were honest.

I would like to take you through my responses to these questions, and add a bit more now that I've had time to reflect on them more thoroughly.

1. What makes you unique? 

This was a surprisingly difficult question to answer. I don't necessarily consider myself all that unique, but at the same time I feel that we are all unique! I said something about how I chose to spend my free time. I discussed my pursuit of circus and aerial work as the focus here. To my particular group of friends this isn't necessarily a unique hobby, but to many others it definitely would be different! To add to this response, I would like to also say that I take a youthful approach to everything I do! I am not ashamed to say that I love heavy metal music. I go to at least one concert a month. I embrace a youthful appearance in my clothing, hair and accessories. I don't believe that fashion has an age limit. When other adults are sitting having coffee after dinner and talking about their mortgages, I'm outside running and playing with the kids. I make believe and connect with them and that is why I'm the favourite aunt! I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a true kid at heart. That is a big part of what makes me unique!

2. Would you rather have the breasts of your 20s or the freedom of your 20s?

What a dumb question! I said the freedom and I stand by that statement. I am more than just my tits! When I was in my twenties, I traveled to Australia TWICE! In fact, I traveled whenever I wanted because I had no responsibilities to a job with a set vacation schedule. I had a fun job. I worked at a record store and even though I bitched about it, it really was pretty sweet! I went to a revitalized Woodstock. I wasn't afraid to get into a mosh pit. Now I'm worry about how I would explain a black eye! I went to the bar and got to work with or without a hangover. I didn't worry about marking those assignments or writing those report cards. My customers at HMV didn't make me cry because I knew their insults/craziness wouldn't cost me my career. I hadn't learned to live an extravagant lifestyle because I didn't have the money to do so. Now, I wonder how I would live making that kind of money. Life was just easier and simpler! Plus, my boobs still look pretty good!

3. Do you consider yourself a feminist?

My response was a strong YES! I'm not too proud of where it went from there though. I linked my feminism to my choices not to get married or have children, but guess what? Some of the strongest feminists I know are married women with children. I wish I had have said this: I surround myself with strong women. They remind me daily of what it means to be a feminist. We are fiercely independent and we speak our minds. No one is going to tell us how we should live our lives! If we choose to have children, that is our choice. If we choose not to, that is also our choice. A feminist supports the choices of all women no matter what that choice might be, or who it might offend. A feminist supports her sisters and does not put down another woman because her choices aren't theirs. Of course, feminism is much more than these few simple statements, but this is a good start!

I did state the fact that I support teaching the younger generation about feminism. I hear some very sad statements come from the young girls I teach ~ statements about how some celebrity deserved to be beaten by her boyfriend; jokes about rape; talk of dieting in girls as young as 9 years old; children of the same age who are dying their hair and getting fake nails. They call each other whores, bitches and sluts. They ask me what's wrong with my boyfriend or with me because we're not married. They think there's something wrong with us because we don't have kids and live in an apartment. I've had parents question my choices and ask me not to talk about them with their daughters. I would question a teacher who wouldn't address these issues by talking about feminism!

At the same time, the administrator that hired me told me that one reason she did so was because I provided a refreshing alternative to the stereotypical teacher. It was important to her that young girls see that you can be successful and independent and strong with or without a husband. I thank her for her open mindedness!

4. Where are you in your career?

If you follow my posts regularly, you know that I have issues with my career and I voiced some of them in my response. I focused on explaining my frustration with the lack of choice in my profession. Many teachers fight for years to become permanently employed. I was lucky and was hired very quickly out of school. Since then, not much has changed. My job has become stagnant. I am a teacher. I can teach different grades. I can teach different subjects. I can try to move to different schools, although this is very difficult to achieve. If it suited me, I could upgrade my education to become an administrator, or try to become a consultant at the board office. Unlike my friends who work in the corporate world, there is no ladder to climb. Most of my moves are lateral. For an ambitious person, this can be frustrating.

5. Do you think you look good naked? 

Again, my answer was a resounding YES! I look better now than I did in my younger years because I care about my body more now than I ever did. I am not a large person, but I am also not a stereotypically thin woman. I have meat on my bones. I have muscle that helps me haul my butt up those silks. I am proud of it. I've worked hard for it. I am the girl who is always walking around the house in some state of undress. Let them look, I say! I am not ashamed of my body. I accept it. I embrace it. It carries me through life. It is mine.

This is obviously not a natural way for a woman to feel though (*note my sarcasm*). Women are supposed to be ashamed of their bodies and according to the Chatelaine survey, most women are ashamed of their bodies. Even the most petite women interviewed said they felt this way. Unfortunately, this is the angle that Chatelaine chose to pursue. They chose not to break the stereotype.

The Aftermath

A few weeks after the interview took place, I was emailed by one of the editors with a link to the online version of the article and a beautiful picture provided to me by the photographer. I was excited and immediately posted the picture to Facebook pronouncing my participation and provided a link to the article. I noticed I wasn't featured in the interview portions very much, but I thought I might show up in the print version more prominently. To my embarrassment, I have been completely cut from the print version. I feel that the article does not feature a balanced look at the state of women at all. I suppose that I don't "fit" in with what Chatelaine's typical reader might identify with and that is why I am not in the article. I do feel that it was a missed opportunity for Chatelaine to update their very conservative image (e.g., a magazine all about how to be a good homemaker).

Photo Credit: Jeff Carlson Photography

Being the feminist that I am, I have written to the editor that contacted me voicing my upset with the article and the lack of balance in it. I did so unapologetically. Women spend too much of their energy apologizing for their feelings. I am uncertain of their response, but I feel justified in my statements. If you'd like to read the online article it can be found here.

If you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read through this long post. I had a good deal to say today and it's been a while since I have had a chance to write anything. It feels good. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! Next up, New Year's Resolutions... Where did the year go?!

Cheers, Jackie

What Was Old is New Again

I have to say that as much as I'm trying to keep my chin up and march along, it isn't easy and I struggle daily. That being said, this is not a new feeling. I was going through some old things and found some poems I wrote a long time ago. These poems are ringing true to me today. Is that sad? I don't know. I thought I'd share though...

I sit and think of what's to come

original script

The things I see make me want to run
The problems I face keep tumbling down
Under them I'm sure to drown

They march upon me like soldiers to war
Faceless things I fear more and more
No heart for what they're doing to me
All I want is to be set free

I'm empty now except for these thoughts
They're terrible things I cannot stop
I'm sure there's no help to break loose
I'm slowly suffocating in their noose

I wish to escape to my own safe place
Where finally they will end their chase
But this place I cannot find
So all these thoughts still torment my mind


I called this one "Tormentor" and it is ringing true now because I'm learning that I am own worst tormentor. My therapist used the analogy of the wicked stepmother and young girl that we all know of from Disney movies. I am my own wicked stepmother, constantly criticizing and judging my actions, tormenting myself. I'm never quite good enough. Even the fact that I am upset about these things bothers me because I know there is a world full of people that are dealing with incomparable hardships ~ war, poverty, sickness, pain, oppression and more ~ with a positive attitude.

I wrote "Tormentor" 1996. I was a baby, only 16 or 17 years old. I didn't care about the hardships others faced like I do now. Like many teenagers, I was self-centred and egotistical. I filled a whole book full of poems that display this attitude over and over again. My sad teenage soul had so much to say and it was all dark and dreary. However, one more line stood out to me in a poem I wrote, also in 1996, that I called "Friends":

I am just a stranger in a world full of friends. 
They know who I be, but do they know who I am? 

Considering the world of social media and accumulating as many online "friends" as you can, I feel like I was way ahead of my time with this line. Additionally, I know that many of us that struggle with anxiety, depression and other mental health issues are often really good at putting on a "happy" face. I've spoken to many people, those I know well and those who are more casual acquaintances, about my feelings and they often say that they never would have guessed I was struggling or felt the way I do. Of course they don't, because we are constantly being forced to embrace this idea of positive mindset, like the idea of thinking happy thoughts and reflecting on what is positive is enough to cure you of your depression. It's not. I've tried. At best, it masks what is truly in your heart.

                                          But if you sing along, 

                                          A little fucking louder
                                          To a happy song
                                          You'll be just fine...

                                          Bring Me the Horizon, "Happy Song"

I will continue to work on myself and work on maintaining my positivity. I need to do this because I have people in my life who care for me and for whom I care for as well. But, I don't want to hide who I am or silence how I am feeling. That's not fair to me or to the many others out there who may be feeling the same way. I will have a voice in this world, even if it is a sad voice sometimes.

Jackie

Highs and Lows of Learning

This past month has been a crazy blur of workshops, rehearsals, performance and of course work! There is so much to reflect on ~ both high points and low points in the process. The learning curve is steep when you are trying to challenge yourself to be a better you. There are stumbles along the way, but every mistake is an opportunity to learn and change and grow. I hope that is what I've been doing along the way.

Two weekends ago, I spent a Saturday and Sunday participating in workshops as part of the Contemporary Circus Arts Festival of Toronto (CCAFT). This year had a different feeling for me than last year. Unfortunately, I went into this weekend with a negative mindset and I really let it run the show. I went into the day with my injury on my mind and used it as a crutch. I told people about it and used it as an excuse as to why I might not be able to perform on par with other participants. I complained and I whined and after, I was embarrassed by my actions.

My fear of being judged and my fear of being a failure really set the tone for my participation, especially in the silks workshop I took. I wanted everyone to know that I was not an impostor and I should be there. I practically begged people to understand that I was just injured. In reality, the only people that needed to know were me and the instructor. Everyone else was focused on their own practice. They weren't pointing fingers at me and whispering to friends. These thoughts were all in my head. They were my problem. I am happy that I can reflect back and that I know that now. I wish I had have known it then. I could have gotten much more out of the day.

The following week began with rehearsals for the Nuit Blanche performance of Glaciology. I had signed up for this project knowing that it would be challenging for me. I have been working on my touch aversion for quite some time and while it is improving greatly and I do enjoy a hug from friends now, I still do not like to be touched by strangers. The idea of being a part of a 50-person human glacier rolling through the streets of Toronto really challenged this part of me. I REALLY wanted to be a part of Glaciology though because without challenge, there is no growth. I want to grow. I want to become a better me. So I rolled on.

Day one was emotional. I had a hard time getting into the mix and found myself on the periphery of the glacier most of the time. Even then, I had to remove myself from the group to collect myself. On more than one occasion I questioned whether or not I could be a part of this project. But, I didn't want this to be a repeat of CCAFT, so I continued with rehearsals and the final performance and I was so proud of myself. I spent the better part of 8 hours in that group. I was able to coil and connect with my fellow performers. I was able to take on their weight and allow myself to body surf the group too. I felt safe and secure and warm within the group, even though it was a damp and cold October evening and we were rolling on concrete and through puddles. The next day I was tired and I was sore, but I had accomplished something that I didn't think I would be able to do. I don't know how I could ever worry about touching a stranger again! Hugs for everyone!!

If I had remembered last year, I would have realized that post-performance lows are the norm. My most seasoned performer friends have told me that they still feel that low after a big performance. I should have expected this past week to be difficult. I didn't, but it was. The students in my class were difficult. My mood was low. There were racial discussions that went against my own personal beliefs. They bothered me and other students I teach. I told parents. They were unresponsive. I got lower. There was bullying. I tried to deal with it. The students' refusal to take responsibility for their actions and there outright lies were upsetting. More parental indifference.

What am I to do? I am feeling helpless. I am feeling useless. I want to help this group of students to grow and to learn. Some of them are going off to high school next year. They seem to fight me though. They seem to be happy to stare at their phones and resist my attempts to engage them in their education. In the end, I need to ensure that I continue to do my job to the best of my abilities and it's like the old saying goes: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." If I continue to  allow the actions of others, even the action of my students and their parents, chip away at my own well-being, I am the one who is going to suffer in the end. My goal for now is to work on ways to improve my own resilience so that I can deal with these frustrating work situations in a healthier way. My new outlook is to hope that I can plant a seed in even one student's head and one day that seed will grow into something beautiful.

This is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and despite the lows that I experience, I know that I have much to be grateful for in my life. I was reminded of this yesterday in an unexpected place, the Puralator Courier Pick Up Centre. There, I meet a lovely woman. She was joyous, for lack of a better word. During our discussion she told me about her son. He had Down Syndrome and had died 5 years ago while battling cancer. Despite her loss, she said she was grateful for the time she had with him and was content that he was at rest now and he didn't suffer any longer. If she can find gratitude in this situation, then I know that I can work through my own lows to become a stronger, better me. We ended our conversation in that Puralator Office with a hug.

("The Inbetween" by Beartooth. This song is a bit of how I feel ~ highs, lows and not getting lost in the inbetween.)

Happy Thanksgiving All,
Jackie

Back to School

The first day of school is over for another year. There was no need for me to toss and turn last night. There was no need to fret about the alarm going off this morning. There was no last-minute task that I had forgotten. I didn't even have to pick out an outfit because we all wore our staff shirts today. The day that I had eagerly anticipated and often dreaded came and went with very little fanfare.

This doesn't mean that there wasn't drama, but I am getting used to drama. Drama can be dealt with. Drama can be settled. I am thankful that the tussle that played out on the basketball court was just two boys posturing and a quick call home to parents dealt with it. I am thankful none of my students were stabbed and they all went home safely at the end of the day. Not everyone was so lucky today.

Am I overjoyed that some of my new students seem less than pleased with their placement? No, I am not. Do I understand that this is a normal reaction and change is difficult for some kids? Yes, I do. I know that coming back from a long vacation is mentally and emotionally exhausting. There are the kids you don't like. There are the kids that don't like you. There might be a bully. Math is hard. Art isn't your thing. The teacher hates you.

Even friends can be demanding if you haven't seen them in a while. Everyone is going to ask you how your summer went and sometimes summer didn't go so great. And, even if it did go fantastically, telling the same anecdotes over and over again can be a drag. I get it. I really do.

Tomorrow will get a little easier though. We'll all get to know each other a little better. The split won't seem so dire. Friends will still be there at recess and after school. The days will march on and before we know it, the calendar will change and it will be Thanksgiving, and then Christmas (Winter) Break, the New Year and so on. Time marches on and we might as well enjoy it and make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves in on this, the first day of school.

You might think I sound melancholy. You might ask yourself, is she happy? I am, but I am also exhausted and will be exhausted from now until next summer. It was hot today - sticky, cloudy, humid and HOT! Since the sun refused to come out and shine for us today (and I couldn't go to the beach), I brought a little of that warmth into the classroom myself.

Cheers to a new year,
Jackie

Birthday Gratitudes

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 36 years old. This is a time in a woman's life where she can get sad because she's getting wrinkles and pimples at the same time, or embrace how much smarter and better she becomes with age! I choose the later, even though I really do hate getting pimples and wrinkles at the same time!!

I was sitting at my computer and responding back to all of the great people that took a moment out of their day yesterday to write a post on my facebook page wishing me the best on my birthday. I think it's important to acknowledge that time they took to think about me. It's pretty awesome! As I was writing, I thought to myself that I have so much to be grateful for. I'm not one to get gushy, but I thought I'd put together a little something to show my gratitude for my wonderful life and the wonderful people in it! 

1. I am grateful for my home, good food to eat, clean water to drink, the clothes that I wear, warmth in the winter and air conditioning in the summer. Many people in the world do not enjoy these basic necessities that many of us take for granted.

2. I am grateful for my overall health. Yes, I have aches and pains. Yes, as I age it takes a bit longer to bounce back from injuries, but I have been lucky in life with my health. I've never had to battle a debilitating disease, or fight for my life in hospital. My body still allows me to walk around every day, and challenge myself physically.

3. I am grateful for my family. Sometimes they drive me nuts, but I am grateful every day that they are on this planet and I can call them up and hear their voices. I have had friends who have lost close family members this past year. I can't imagine what that must be like and I am happy that, for now, I have not had to learn that difficult life lesson.

4. I am grateful for my friends. I am not the type of person that has a million friends. I have a few awesome people in my life. They challenge me. They support me. They make me laugh. They make me think. They may live halfway across the world or just down the street. I may see them weekly, or it may be years between our visits, but I know we will pick up right where we left off.

5. I am grateful for my awesome partner in crime. He's been around for a long time ~ 14 years or so to be exact. We've survived a long distance relationship. We've supported each other through health problems. We cuddle on the couch every night. We always have something to talk about. We support each other. We spoil each other. It's not always a walk in the park and there are times that we really don't see eye-to-eye, but we know how to work through those problems and become a stronger couple.

6. I am grateful to have good, steady employment. At the best of times, my job is very fulfilling. I feel like I've made a difference. At the worst of times, it pays the bills and allows me to enjoy the things in life that I don't get paid for (e.g., aerial work!), that make my time on this planet better and rewarding. I don't have to worry about a layoff or downsizing. I have a creative job. It's never boring. It always keeps me on my toes.

7. I am grateful for writing. The fact that even a few people take time out of their day to read my ramblings is awesome. I love to write and even though I didn't become that famous rock journalist that I dreamed of being when I was a teenager, I appreciate having this medium to share my thoughts and ideas.

8. I am grateful to be Canadian. We can criticize our government for it's downfalls. I encourage that discourse. And, because we live here, we can do that with relative safety and security. Although I live in the largest city in the country, I don't walk down the streets at night fearful. There is no war waging outside of my window. My sister doesn't have to worry about her children being kidnapped and held for ransom. We should be proud to be Canadian. We are lucky to live here in this big,
beautiful country. We do need to fight to protect the values it stands for and the environment that we enjoy here. So, go out and vote in October!

I am sure that there is so much more that I am missing. This is only the tip of the iceberg. I know this because I am a very lucky person and my life is pretty freaking great! I have to remember this when I get angry and frustrated and my mind threatens to shut out all of this good stuff. I suppose now that it's published, I can come back and read it if that time does roll around.

Cheers, Jackie

Communication - Use It or Lose It

I am soooo far behind in my writing. Considering that I've been off of work for the past several weeks, I should have been able to complete writing about my vacation to NYC at the very least! I am going to skip all of that though because there has been something bothering me lately.

I've spent the better part of the last year challenging myself to take risks and try things that I normally wouldn't have tried in the past. This has turned out quite swimmingly in some instances, and quite the opposite in others.

One such risk that I took recently was to participate in a conference for my school board. I had applied to facilitate a four-day workshop for fellow educators. I really didn't think that I would be hired, but I was and so I set about working with a colleague who had facilitated in previous years to create my presentation. The idea behind the conference is that teachers experienced in a certain grade lead others who are new to teaching or new to teaching a certain grade through a collaborative planning process. Ideas are shared. Resources are created. It's a really great idea and beneficial for all parties if carried out effectively. 

As the conference approached, I put finishing touches on the presentation that I had put several hours of work into, revised and refined ideas where I could and read through it again and again so I would be prepared. I was happy with my work and I was ready!

Long story short, my workshop did not go over well with a contingent of participants. They had entered the conference believing that resources would be "given" to them. They were not happy with having to discuss, plan and create resources together. On the first day, one participant approached the organizers of the conference and complained about my approach. The organizers were supportive of me and she ended up leaving.

I began the next day with a frank discussion with the group. We are all colleagues, I said. As a professional courtesy, if you have an issue with anything that I am doing in this workshop, I would appreciate it very much if you would speak with me before approaching the organizers. I can't know that there is a problem if no one speaks to me. I also mentioned that I realize difficult conversations are, well, difficult, but this was my first year facilitating and I would appreciate any constructive criticism and I would not take it personally.

Guess what? Over the next days, 3 other people did the exact same damn thing as that first woman. Instead of speaking with me, they complained to the organizers. They complained that I wasn't "providing resources" and instead we were discussing "good teaching practices" and how we apply them to the grade and planning together. Imagine! Thankfully, the organizers still supported me, but I was/am pissed off that these people were still too cowardly to approach me directly.

I am not necessarily surprised though. I have noticed lately that discourse and debate are slowly being weeded out of certain areas of my life, and not in a good way. I recently had to remove facebook from my phone because I could not stomach much of what I read on the platform. People that I've know for ages and like are acting very childish when it comes to ideas that do not exactly line up with their own. When someone challenges their beliefs in any way they automatically unfriend them. They do not want people in their lives that do not hold their exact beliefs. Huh? Isn't the exchange of ideas and debate what makes life and friendships interesting? If you surround yourself with people that act and think exactly like you, wouldn't life be pretty boring?

I mentioned these issues to my sister yesterday as we celebrated my birthday. My sister is a very smart woman and tends not to react to issues the same way that I do, so I always appreciate her advice and thoughts. She said that people's ability to communicate with one another is something that is not being nurtured in the age of social media. People hide behind social media comments and emails because they are afraid of the consequences of voicing an opposing idea or confronting someone with a problem. She mentioned times that she has tried this and it has backfired because on the other end of the dialogue the person she is talking to does not know how to receive criticism without being hurt or angry. Then, the situation becomes worse, so why bother? It's easier to "unfriend" someone or just keep your opinions to yourself.

I think this is so sad. We need to be able to have difficult conversations. We need to know that our ideas are not everyone's ideas, and so long as those ideas don't hurt another person, or group it's OK to have and share them with others. We need to be able to debate with one another. I want to know an issue from a variety of perspectives so that I can evaluate the validity of those perspectives and adjust or amend my ideas accordingly. That's what we call critical thinking! Only looking at ideas from one point of view is very narrow-minded and I don't want to be a narrow-minded person!

At the same time, if I am talking shit I want someone to tell me! Call me out on my crap. If I don't completely grasp what you are trying to tell me, let me know. Do it constructively and provide feedback so I can change and grow. I will do the same thing for you! That's called growth mindset people and it's not a bad thing. I won't cut you out of my life because you don't think I am right all of the time. I'm not! You're not either.

Communication is so important in all of our relationships - friendships, partners, business. Use it or lose it. When it's gone, it might be harder than you think to get it back.

Cheers!
Jackie

Tangled, Untangled and Tangled Again

As the end of the school year drew to a close last week, the principal of my school sent the staff a reflective email detailing all of the accomplishments and successes of the school year. She noted that she had learned so much throughout this year and posed the question to the staff: What did you learn this year?

As a human, I have been pretty resistant to change in my life. Let's be honest, change is hard and it is much easier to settle into our route (or rut) of existence and stay the course. This year wasn't like that for me. I have tried to embrace change and growth. Along the way, I have learned a few things:

1. The change you want is not always the change you get. I've gotten myself caught up in this trap a few times over the years. The grass is always greener on the other side. I just need a fresh perspective and things are going to be so much different. Sure. Things might be different, but you might not like how they're different! The reality is, looking for happiness outside of yourself is a surefire way to find disappointment! I think this lesson has finally sunk in and helped me to understand this next lesson;

2. If you truly want change, you have to change yourself. Throughout my life, I've be-bopped around and found myself in one mess or another. Sometimes things aren't even a mess. They're just not what I've wanted. Damned unhappiness following me around like a rain cloud. I've always been quick to blame the other person, place, or thing getting in the way of my happiness. What did I do to deserve this? Why can't it just go away?! This year, I've learned that I may be putting myself in these situations through the choices that I'm making. Imagine! By not realizing this and not taking responsibility for my own actions, nothing changes and I get angry/upset/frustrated. When these feelings get too overwhelming, I run away again. I'm still angry and upset, the situation is just new. Which led me to my next lesson;

3. Being angry doesn't help. This one's a big one as I'm a pretty angry person. This year I was asked to question where that anger had gotten me lately. Did it make me happier in the end to fly off the handle? The answer was, it doesn't really help or make me feel better. Many times after an outburst, I feel embarrassed and apologetic. These days, I try to stop and think before I meltdown. I've actually used the words I say to myself to my students to help them through their anger, especially if it's something small. By stopping and thinking "Is this problem worth the upset?" or "Who is being hurt here by your anger - you or the other person?" or "Why are you choosing to let this small person/thing/occurrence ruin your day?" I'm not claiming that a "positive mindset" can cure all of your woes. I still get angry. I still meltdown. Try small steps though and see how you feel.

4. Looking at yourself critically and trying to change is always risky. Don't be afraid to take risks. I've put myself out there time and again this year and it feels great. Whether its been by questioning an authority figure (in a respectful way of course) about their own equity practices, or just being willing to openly and unashamedly hug my friends, I've been taking risks this year. I've performed in front of hundreds of people at Nuit Blanche. I've performed in front of my mentors at Aertime. I've pushed through injuries to become a stronger and better aerialist. I've been writing about my successes and defeats here on this blog. I've worked with young people teaching aerial this year for the first time, and I've submitted proposals to be involved in more epic adventures with the great artists of this city.

Yesterday, I performed a piece for the third time. It's not often that I have an opportunity to perform the same piece for different audiences. My first run through ended in a tangled mess. I had to come down and start again. Surprisingly, I wasn't upset. I was able to shake it off and get up there and take on that creature again and win! I was pretty damned proud of myself!  I've realized that my self-worth isn't teethered to any one aspect of my life. As long as I'm imperfect, I have lots of room to grow and learn and change. We all do :)

Things look like they're going well, but really I'm all tangled up!
It's kinda like life, isn't it?!

Cheers!

Jackie