Back to School 2018 - The New School Edition

It's been a while. Someone recently pointed that out to me. I think it's because I got into the habit of writing when things weren't going well, when I was feeling desperate to purge the negativity inside of myself. That's changed though. I've learned to use new tools to work through those feelings. I've also been working diligently to move forward in my life and not dwell/wallow in what is not working for me. Change and opportunity are over every horizon and I can no longer keep my eyes cast downward. I am approaching all that I can with my eyes wide open and ready to embrace what comes my way. If it's not coming my way, I'm ready to change paths and directions and chase it down and make opportunities to grow.

What's new? It's a new year and this September that means a new school for me. I am looking forward to working with and learning from a whole new group of teacher people. They are a dynamic group and I see many of their names attached to projects in and around the school board where I work. Many of them are leaders and innovators and I hope that I can continue to build my own practice in their presence and some of my own brand of crazy rubs off on them too!

I have been working in one community for the past 10 years, so I am also very excited to begin working with children that have different perspectives and life experiences. What will they be like? How can I help them enjoy school? What can I do to make their day better? What opportunities can I provide them? Will they like and accept me as their teacher? Will they be disappointed they don't have Mr. So-and-So or Ms. Whatchamacallit? Only time will tell, but I am ready for the responsibility presented to me every September - that is to make sure every child comes to school and feels safe and accepted enough to learn. It's a big responsibility. Parents entrust their child to me every morning and no matter where I teach I begin my day with that thought in mind. 

July 21, 2018, Community protest against changes made to the 2015 Health & Phys Ed curriculum. The government expects teachers to revert to the 1998 version of the curriculum, which does not address consent, cyberbullying, different family structures, etc. High school students Frank Hong and Rayne Fisher-Quann organized this rally to protest "an unprecedented assault on students' right to a fair and up-to-date education." (quote from Facebook event page)

This year there are new challenges being presented to teachers from beyond the classroom. A new government has been elected. It's the first change of government I've experienced in my 10 years of teaching. Their mandate is not to make education better. It is to make it more economical and efficient. The rollbacks include more than just funding. They include some of the progress made for marginalized communities, including LGBTQ2 and indigenous students. The fight against these rollbacks has been raging all summer long and there is still uncertainty as the school year begins. I am encouraged to see young people leading the way and adding their voices to the debate. It is their education, their future! The bureaucracy will work its way through the courts and halls of government and in the meantime, the rest of us will continue do what we do. Teach in a fair and just way. 

What Am I Doing Wrong? and Other Important Questions

Do you ever sit and ask yourself, "What am I doing wrong?" I ask myself this question ALL the time, yet I never seem to get the answer that I'm looking for back. At these moments, I question every single decision that I've ever made in my life. Notably, they are all the wrong decisions.

Two weeks ago, I was driving to work and a van kicked a stone up and cracked my windshield. This meant an unexpected repair and an unexpected cost. I had it fixed over the weekend, paid the price and thought I was done with it. Nope. Turns out, the people that put in the new windshield messed something up (that's official car lingo, ya know) and now it sounds like a swarm of bees lives in my car if I'm driving over 75 km/h. I'm only guessing, but there's some broken or loose piece of plastic vibrating against my new windshield somewhere. I called the place where I got it fixed and of course they treated me like an idiot and ensured me that they had installed the part correctly and they couldn't do anything about it.

Why did I tell this boring car story? Well, on this day, this event is what set off my mood and made me question my whole existence. How? Simply because my car has to get me to work every day. If that doesn't make any sense to you (because you're a sane and normal person), let me walk you through my neurotic mindset.

1. Something went wrong. I got it fixed. The fix didn't work. I tried to remedy that. I didn't get the response I wanted. I now hate my car because it is an unwanted expense and source of frustration.

2. Once my car becomes a source of frustration, I then deflect that onto my job. If I didn't have this job that was so far away from my home, I wouldn't need a car. If I didn't need a car think about how much extra money I would have right now.

3. Wait, why don't I have more money? I make a good salary. I don't have children to support. I don't have a big mortgage or tonnes of debt. Where does all my money go?

4. What am I doing wrong? Why do all of my friends/family/strangers on the street have it so much better than me? Everyone lives in a nice house that they OWN. How can they afford that? Everyone gets to go on fancy vacations to exotic places around the world. Why do I have to skrimp and save just to go away for a few days in the summer? [**Note: In reality, I know that not everyone has it better than me**]

5. My job is an endless source of frustration and I thought I only did it for the financial security, but I don't have all of the things that I want. Why do I keep doing it? Everyone I know loves their job or, they're doing something important or meaningful. Why can't I do something that I love? [**Note: I know that not everyone loves their job**]

6. Wait, what do I love? What are my goals? I don't have any because I'm just trying to get through the day. I'm stuck.

The sixth statement is the one that has been bothering me the most lately. Friends, family and my therapist have all approached me with some form of this question... If you're not happy, what are your goals for the future? How are you going to make a change? I always answer the same way... Right now, I'm just so overwhelmed by my job, my goal is simply to get to the end of the day. When I walk into my classroom at 8:00 a.m., my goal for the future is to get to 3:40 p.m. without any sort of major incident.

How do I get beyond this feeling? How do I put aside my present to think about a better future? How do I find my passion? I've read about this. I've talked about this. I've thought about this. I don't have an answer that works right now. If you've made a big change in your life, what inspired you? What steps did you take to get you from the place you were to the place you wanted to be? What were your biggest challenges? How did you feel throughout the process? Are you happier now and was it all worth it? I hope that if I see, hear and understand the process, I'll be able to take steps to start it for myself. And hey, it never hurts to ask!

Cheers,

Jackie

Chasing Rainbows

If you follow my writing, you might know that I began a new job this year full of optimism that a  change of location was going to make me happier in my career. I soon found that this was not the case. I went from hopeful to defeated in short order.

In my search for some answers to how I was feeling, I began to see a psychiatrist earlier this year. While I don't always agree with him and what he has to say, he has opened my eyes to a few of my own issues that need to be resolved. One of them is this need to remove what is making me unhappy by running away.

I am sad to say, that I am still running. I have spent the past two months applying for jobs around the board where I work. I have applied for approximately 15 different positions at different schools. My criteria has been fairly general in that I am looking for junior or intermediate positions that will put me closer to home and in a different region of the board from where I have been teaching for the past 7 years.

From all of my applications, I received one call back for an interview and I didn't get the position. I now feel even worse than I felt before. I am frustrated. I feel like I am not good enough and no one wants me.

To make matters worse, I feel like I am not "good enough" compared to my colleagues at my current school. It used to be that when the head honchos came to visit, my classroom would be part of the tour. I was doing great things. I was making a difference in the school. I was making a difference to students. I was making a difference with my colleagues. I was a mentor teacher for new hires. I presented at staff meetings. I led professional development activities. I was someone to "go to", and that made me feel good even when the rest of the job was stressing me out and making me crazy.

The new school of teaching is all about inquiry-based learning and there is definitely a group of colleagues where I work that have adopted this method whole-heartedly and they are passionate about sharing their philosophy. I haven't quite gotten there yet and I am not even sure if I want to get all-the-way there and because of this, I sure do feel left out of the "cool kids club" at work.

It kinda sucks and it makes me feel even more anxious about going to work and getting emails and attending staff meetings because I know (or I feel like) I am not adding up and I feel like I am not good enough. I've never felt this way at work in the past. Knowing myself, this is not going to be good. I do not do things I am not good at doing. I just don't. I am also questioning myself. Have I done enough? Have I tried hard enough to learn? Am I being narrow-minded?

I honestly don't know what I am going to do with myself. So many people in my life are being brave and making big changes. Jay is in school part-time trying to learn a new skills. My sister made the difficult choice to end her maternity leave early in order to take a new position that will have long-term benefits. My friend Jackie is working to complete school and take her life in a direction that fits her passions even though it means leaving a stable, good-paying career.  My friend Brie just earned an amazing new promotion that she has worked her buns off for and is well-deserved.

At the same time, I am reading about friends who are struggling. They are struggling with the choices they have made regarding relationships, careers, or children. So, I know I am not alone in the world, but I am certainly alone in the decisions I have to make for myself. Do I stay and fight another day for myself, or do I run and look for something else? What is that something else? Will that something else make me happy? How will I know unless I try?

I have some soul-searching to do. I am also trying to use exercise and supplements to help balance out the moods. I am back in the air regularly and training for some upcoming shows. I have started taking a B Complex supplement, which is supposed to be an excellent supplement to help elevate your mood. Yoga has become a part of my life again and I am thoroughly enjoying my practice.

I am going to end this post with some thoughts my Yin Yoga instructor, Julian, spoke of in a recent class. These are just some simple questions that I ask when I am feeling down.

What are you feeling that you want to feel more of?

What are you feeling that you want to feel less of?

Who are you?

Who do you want to be? 

 Life's a bitch. I get it. I just don't think it's supposed to be this way though. It should be ecstasy. It should be joyful. I should be all glitter, unicorns and rainbows, right? I guess you can't get a rainbow unless the Sun comes out after the storm. I'll just have to keep looking for that break in the clouds. C'mon Sun!

Cheers,
Jackie