Getting Past the September Slump

September is an exhausting month for me and thankfully it is almost over.  I spend July and August as a (mostly) free spirit. I get up when I want. I eat when I want. I spend time with myself doing what I want with few responsibilities. And then it's September and everything changes.

September brings early mornings and long commutes in traffic. September brings meal planning and prepping and regimented times to eat and go to the bathroom. Most of all, September means that I need to shift my mental focus away from myself and towards the young people that I am responsible for inspiring on a daily basis.

Please don't read this and think that I'm complaining about my vacation time, or the fact that I'm back to work. I'm not. However, the other day I was feeling down and pretty uninspired and I had to wonder, why? Teachers have always been sensitive to the fact that some children have a difficult time transitioning back into the routine of school days however I had never really reflected on my own feelings during this time.

At the moment, my creativity is being used to plan engaging lessons for my students. I am building relationships with 28 new people. Each one of them is different. Each one of them has expectations of me. Some come to school with bad feelings about their previous teachers or experiences in education. Some come with a set of challenges that I need to learn, understand, work with, and carefully balance. I am trying to hook them for the year and I don't have very many opportunities to create that hook. It's not easy and the stress is real!

All of those carefree things I was doing in the summer have been put on the back burner. I'm tired, so going out to hula hoop seems like work. I'm still trying to recover my strength after an injury, so training aerial silks feels frustrating. I've spent the day writing lesson plans, so staring at a computer trying to generate ideas to share in a blog post doesn't seem like fun, and I feel like I don't really have anything interesting to say anyways. With all of that negativity taking up space in my brain, no wonder I was feeling badly! 

Luckily for me, the universe saw that I was in need and presented a few perfect solutions for my melancholy. First, my amazing aerial instructor is planning a student showcase for November. Choreographing an act and working towards this showcase is just what I need to get my personal creative juices flowing! I am often motivated by working towards a goal and for me creating a new routine is a wonderful challenge. I was also fortunate enough to experience circus performers from around the world put on amazing and thought-provoking shows during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this summer, so I'm happy to say that I have more than enough inspiration to draw on for this performance. It will be my first performance after my injury, so I am trying to be kind to myself, but I'm quite excited to get back on stage!

I am also in the midst of fostering some new writing ideas, also for the circus world. I have been networking with other writers, discussing how we can foster the circus writing community, and make it a sustainable way for performers and writers to make a living wage. I spent part of my summer working with circus writer/reviewer extraordinaire Katherine Kavanaugh, founder of the online circus website, Circus Diaries. With her support, I realised this summer that my writing voice is appreciated and it is needed. I want to promote the outstanding work that is being created here in Toronto, Ontario. I want to bring it to an audience outside of the immediate community.  I have reached out to organizations and received media accreditation so that I can review shows when they are playing here and build audiences for circus productions outside of the world of Cirque du Soliel. The hope is that with a wider audience,  more international shows will make Toronto a stop on their tours.

Self-reflection is a pretty amazing thing. Having spent the time to think about what bothers me and then creating a plan to get past those feelings has helped me to make it over my September Slump. Whatever you do to get past your slumps, be it writing, performing, painting, or yodeling, just be sure to carve out some time for yourself and do it! If you're feeling uninspired, reach out to your community and find inspiration in what others are doing. Challenge yourself to try something new-to-you. If you're still feeling meh then have a nap and try again in the morning! Just don't quit trying, OK?!                                                             

Cheers! Jackie

Deep Learning: Shedding a Light on a Dark Past

As a teacher, I often have the opportunity to enjoy professional learning of my choosing that is provided by our school board. We are encouraged to pursue our learning goals and be "life-long learners." Personally, I am very interested in outdoor experiential learning and indigenous culture and fortunately for me, these are two areas that my school board is also focused on at the moment. So, yesterday I got up early and drove to Sutton, Ontario and boarded a little boat that shuttled me and a group of teachers to the Georgina Island First Nation. It was a brisk, bright morning and we were all abuzz, excited for the day ahead.

We were greeted by our "deep nature connection" mentors Chris, Skeet and Alexis. They are all experts in the field of outdoor education and survival. Despite their expertise they were humble and told us many times that their knowledge of outdoor survival skills, although much greater than the average person, paled in comparison with the knowledge of indigenous peoples of the past. As Chris told us, "Indigenous knowledge is knowing a tree like you know a family member, or a best friend." They spoke of how our lives are so disconnected from nature and the natural world, so much so that to many nature is nothing but an "abstract concept." Abstract. Something they do not understand. Something that is unclear.

As I participated in the activities provided for us, including identifying the uses for different plants and starting a fire using a bow drill, I thought about my own need to be constantly connected via my phone. I thought about the pictures I wanted to take of the activities and how I wanted to "tweet" about events. "Why is this so? Why can't I just enjoy the time and live the experience?" I thought to myself. Then I thought about my students at school and the constant battle it is to try and get them to ditch their phones for just a second, how they are constantly checking their updates and in contact with their friends and parents -- even throughout the school day. I thought about our school technology policy and how we are making it more lenient because taking away a child's phone is like "taking away their pencil" and they can't do anything without it.

It made me sad for myself. It made me sad for my students.

If those thoughts made me sad, the next part of the day stirred emotions in me that made me angry, outraged, devastated, yet hopeful. Shannon Crate, a member of the Chippewas of Georgina Island First Nation, greeted us with such warmth and openness. She began the afternoon with a smudge. What a beautiful ceremony. Each of us participated because a sage smudge can be done by anyone. Through the smudge we washed our hands so they would do no harm. We washed our heads and asked the Creator for an open mind and wisdom. We took it to our ears to remind us to listen carefully --- we have two ears and only one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we speak. We took it to our mouths so that we are reminded to speak only kind words. We took it to our eyes to see the beauty and good that is around us in this world and we took it to our feet so that we would walk in a good way. Scientifically speaking, smudging a room is known to rid it of toxins, but spiritually speaking, it is an excellent reminder to us of how we can be better people. 

Shannon was very open with us. She encouraged us to ask as many questions of her as wanted because that is the only way we can learn. She spoke a word that I've never heard before and that word was "Indigegogy." As an educator, I know about pedagogy. It is the method or practice of teaching an academic topic. It is constantly changing. Sometimes it's controversial. Sometimes it seems downright silly. It is part of the job. Indigegogy though is different. It is teaching the "Indian way" as Shannon put it, and it hasn't changed for many, many years. Before colonization, young indigenous people would learn through the stories of their elders. Their elders didn't provide answers for the questions they were asked. They told stories and it was up to the listener to find the answer to their question within the story. Indigegogy isn't hierarchical, with a teacher at the front and students sitting in row listening. It is about sitting with a group in a circle, sharing with one another. It is about going out and experiencing the land and participating in what is being learned. It seems right to me, but also foreign and difficult because I was taught a different way. 

Shannon shared many stories with us that highlighted the struggles that she has faced as a First Nations woman throughout her life. These are her stories. They aren't mine to retell here. The stories I will retell are those of the children that suffered through the residential school era -- a dark time in Canadian history. A disgusting time. A time that brings shame (or should bring shame) to all of us. She talked of the children who were snatched from their parents, leaving mothers, fathers, and communities without a heartbeat.  She talked of the children left to die of disease and starvation.  She talked of the abuses perpetrated against theses children by the people that were supposed to be caring for them. She talked of forced sterilization of young girls so they wouldn't get pregnant because of the sexual abuses they suffered. She talked of the experiments performed on these children by so-called medical doctors. She talked of the people who lost their identities through enfranchisement and who are still searching for their kin. She talked about our First Nations people being the only people in the world who have to apply to the government to have their culture accepted and legally verified. She spoke of the disproportionate number of First Nations men and women that fill our prison system and suffer from addiction. And, it's not as though I was unaware of these issues, but it's different to hear about them from a person who is connected closely to the issue while sitting on the land of the people who have suffered so much. It's just different. The tears around me told me so. 

As I got back on that boat, feeling the cool spray on my face, I reflected back on the day and the learning. There is so much work to be done in this country to rectify the injustices perpetrated against First Nations peoples. There is much learning to be done by all of us, not only in the education community, but as a whole. The door is open though. There is a ray of light shining on that dark past and we shouldn't hide from it. We should look at it in the face and accept it and then begin to change and make our country a stronger and brighter place for all of its people. I'm going to start in my classroom. Where will you begin? 

Georgina Island First Nation

Cheers,

Jackie


 

Back to School

The first day of school is over for another year. There was no need for me to toss and turn last night. There was no need to fret about the alarm going off this morning. There was no last-minute task that I had forgotten. I didn't even have to pick out an outfit because we all wore our staff shirts today. The day that I had eagerly anticipated and often dreaded came and went with very little fanfare.

This doesn't mean that there wasn't drama, but I am getting used to drama. Drama can be dealt with. Drama can be settled. I am thankful that the tussle that played out on the basketball court was just two boys posturing and a quick call home to parents dealt with it. I am thankful none of my students were stabbed and they all went home safely at the end of the day. Not everyone was so lucky today.

Am I overjoyed that some of my new students seem less than pleased with their placement? No, I am not. Do I understand that this is a normal reaction and change is difficult for some kids? Yes, I do. I know that coming back from a long vacation is mentally and emotionally exhausting. There are the kids you don't like. There are the kids that don't like you. There might be a bully. Math is hard. Art isn't your thing. The teacher hates you.

Even friends can be demanding if you haven't seen them in a while. Everyone is going to ask you how your summer went and sometimes summer didn't go so great. And, even if it did go fantastically, telling the same anecdotes over and over again can be a drag. I get it. I really do.

Tomorrow will get a little easier though. We'll all get to know each other a little better. The split won't seem so dire. Friends will still be there at recess and after school. The days will march on and before we know it, the calendar will change and it will be Thanksgiving, and then Christmas (Winter) Break, the New Year and so on. Time marches on and we might as well enjoy it and make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves in on this, the first day of school.

You might think I sound melancholy. You might ask yourself, is she happy? I am, but I am also exhausted and will be exhausted from now until next summer. It was hot today - sticky, cloudy, humid and HOT! Since the sun refused to come out and shine for us today (and I couldn't go to the beach), I brought a little of that warmth into the classroom myself.

Cheers to a new year,
Jackie

Communication - Use It or Lose It

I am soooo far behind in my writing. Considering that I've been off of work for the past several weeks, I should have been able to complete writing about my vacation to NYC at the very least! I am going to skip all of that though because there has been something bothering me lately.

I've spent the better part of the last year challenging myself to take risks and try things that I normally wouldn't have tried in the past. This has turned out quite swimmingly in some instances, and quite the opposite in others.

One such risk that I took recently was to participate in a conference for my school board. I had applied to facilitate a four-day workshop for fellow educators. I really didn't think that I would be hired, but I was and so I set about working with a colleague who had facilitated in previous years to create my presentation. The idea behind the conference is that teachers experienced in a certain grade lead others who are new to teaching or new to teaching a certain grade through a collaborative planning process. Ideas are shared. Resources are created. It's a really great idea and beneficial for all parties if carried out effectively. 

As the conference approached, I put finishing touches on the presentation that I had put several hours of work into, revised and refined ideas where I could and read through it again and again so I would be prepared. I was happy with my work and I was ready!

Long story short, my workshop did not go over well with a contingent of participants. They had entered the conference believing that resources would be "given" to them. They were not happy with having to discuss, plan and create resources together. On the first day, one participant approached the organizers of the conference and complained about my approach. The organizers were supportive of me and she ended up leaving.

I began the next day with a frank discussion with the group. We are all colleagues, I said. As a professional courtesy, if you have an issue with anything that I am doing in this workshop, I would appreciate it very much if you would speak with me before approaching the organizers. I can't know that there is a problem if no one speaks to me. I also mentioned that I realize difficult conversations are, well, difficult, but this was my first year facilitating and I would appreciate any constructive criticism and I would not take it personally.

Guess what? Over the next days, 3 other people did the exact same damn thing as that first woman. Instead of speaking with me, they complained to the organizers. They complained that I wasn't "providing resources" and instead we were discussing "good teaching practices" and how we apply them to the grade and planning together. Imagine! Thankfully, the organizers still supported me, but I was/am pissed off that these people were still too cowardly to approach me directly.

I am not necessarily surprised though. I have noticed lately that discourse and debate are slowly being weeded out of certain areas of my life, and not in a good way. I recently had to remove facebook from my phone because I could not stomach much of what I read on the platform. People that I've know for ages and like are acting very childish when it comes to ideas that do not exactly line up with their own. When someone challenges their beliefs in any way they automatically unfriend them. They do not want people in their lives that do not hold their exact beliefs. Huh? Isn't the exchange of ideas and debate what makes life and friendships interesting? If you surround yourself with people that act and think exactly like you, wouldn't life be pretty boring?

I mentioned these issues to my sister yesterday as we celebrated my birthday. My sister is a very smart woman and tends not to react to issues the same way that I do, so I always appreciate her advice and thoughts. She said that people's ability to communicate with one another is something that is not being nurtured in the age of social media. People hide behind social media comments and emails because they are afraid of the consequences of voicing an opposing idea or confronting someone with a problem. She mentioned times that she has tried this and it has backfired because on the other end of the dialogue the person she is talking to does not know how to receive criticism without being hurt or angry. Then, the situation becomes worse, so why bother? It's easier to "unfriend" someone or just keep your opinions to yourself.

I think this is so sad. We need to be able to have difficult conversations. We need to know that our ideas are not everyone's ideas, and so long as those ideas don't hurt another person, or group it's OK to have and share them with others. We need to be able to debate with one another. I want to know an issue from a variety of perspectives so that I can evaluate the validity of those perspectives and adjust or amend my ideas accordingly. That's what we call critical thinking! Only looking at ideas from one point of view is very narrow-minded and I don't want to be a narrow-minded person!

At the same time, if I am talking shit I want someone to tell me! Call me out on my crap. If I don't completely grasp what you are trying to tell me, let me know. Do it constructively and provide feedback so I can change and grow. I will do the same thing for you! That's called growth mindset people and it's not a bad thing. I won't cut you out of my life because you don't think I am right all of the time. I'm not! You're not either.

Communication is so important in all of our relationships - friendships, partners, business. Use it or lose it. When it's gone, it might be harder than you think to get it back.

Cheers!
Jackie

Chasing Rainbows

If you follow my writing, you might know that I began a new job this year full of optimism that a  change of location was going to make me happier in my career. I soon found that this was not the case. I went from hopeful to defeated in short order.

In my search for some answers to how I was feeling, I began to see a psychiatrist earlier this year. While I don't always agree with him and what he has to say, he has opened my eyes to a few of my own issues that need to be resolved. One of them is this need to remove what is making me unhappy by running away.

I am sad to say, that I am still running. I have spent the past two months applying for jobs around the board where I work. I have applied for approximately 15 different positions at different schools. My criteria has been fairly general in that I am looking for junior or intermediate positions that will put me closer to home and in a different region of the board from where I have been teaching for the past 7 years.

From all of my applications, I received one call back for an interview and I didn't get the position. I now feel even worse than I felt before. I am frustrated. I feel like I am not good enough and no one wants me.

To make matters worse, I feel like I am not "good enough" compared to my colleagues at my current school. It used to be that when the head honchos came to visit, my classroom would be part of the tour. I was doing great things. I was making a difference in the school. I was making a difference to students. I was making a difference with my colleagues. I was a mentor teacher for new hires. I presented at staff meetings. I led professional development activities. I was someone to "go to", and that made me feel good even when the rest of the job was stressing me out and making me crazy.

The new school of teaching is all about inquiry-based learning and there is definitely a group of colleagues where I work that have adopted this method whole-heartedly and they are passionate about sharing their philosophy. I haven't quite gotten there yet and I am not even sure if I want to get all-the-way there and because of this, I sure do feel left out of the "cool kids club" at work.

It kinda sucks and it makes me feel even more anxious about going to work and getting emails and attending staff meetings because I know (or I feel like) I am not adding up and I feel like I am not good enough. I've never felt this way at work in the past. Knowing myself, this is not going to be good. I do not do things I am not good at doing. I just don't. I am also questioning myself. Have I done enough? Have I tried hard enough to learn? Am I being narrow-minded?

I honestly don't know what I am going to do with myself. So many people in my life are being brave and making big changes. Jay is in school part-time trying to learn a new skills. My sister made the difficult choice to end her maternity leave early in order to take a new position that will have long-term benefits. My friend Jackie is working to complete school and take her life in a direction that fits her passions even though it means leaving a stable, good-paying career.  My friend Brie just earned an amazing new promotion that she has worked her buns off for and is well-deserved.

At the same time, I am reading about friends who are struggling. They are struggling with the choices they have made regarding relationships, careers, or children. So, I know I am not alone in the world, but I am certainly alone in the decisions I have to make for myself. Do I stay and fight another day for myself, or do I run and look for something else? What is that something else? Will that something else make me happy? How will I know unless I try?

I have some soul-searching to do. I am also trying to use exercise and supplements to help balance out the moods. I am back in the air regularly and training for some upcoming shows. I have started taking a B Complex supplement, which is supposed to be an excellent supplement to help elevate your mood. Yoga has become a part of my life again and I am thoroughly enjoying my practice.

I am going to end this post with some thoughts my Yin Yoga instructor, Julian, spoke of in a recent class. These are just some simple questions that I ask when I am feeling down.

What are you feeling that you want to feel more of?

What are you feeling that you want to feel less of?

Who are you?

Who do you want to be? 

 Life's a bitch. I get it. I just don't think it's supposed to be this way though. It should be ecstasy. It should be joyful. I should be all glitter, unicorns and rainbows, right? I guess you can't get a rainbow unless the Sun comes out after the storm. I'll just have to keep looking for that break in the clouds. C'mon Sun!

Cheers,
Jackie