Getting Past the September Slump

September is an exhausting month for me and thankfully it is almost over.  I spend July and August as a (mostly) free spirit. I get up when I want. I eat when I want. I spend time with myself doing what I want with few responsibilities. And then it's September and everything changes.

September brings early mornings and long commutes in traffic. September brings meal planning and prepping and regimented times to eat and go to the bathroom. Most of all, September means that I need to shift my mental focus away from myself and towards the young people that I am responsible for inspiring on a daily basis.

Please don't read this and think that I'm complaining about my vacation time, or the fact that I'm back to work. I'm not. However, the other day I was feeling down and pretty uninspired and I had to wonder, why? Teachers have always been sensitive to the fact that some children have a difficult time transitioning back into the routine of school days however I had never really reflected on my own feelings during this time.

At the moment, my creativity is being used to plan engaging lessons for my students. I am building relationships with 28 new people. Each one of them is different. Each one of them has expectations of me. Some come to school with bad feelings about their previous teachers or experiences in education. Some come with a set of challenges that I need to learn, understand, work with, and carefully balance. I am trying to hook them for the year and I don't have very many opportunities to create that hook. It's not easy and the stress is real!

All of those carefree things I was doing in the summer have been put on the back burner. I'm tired, so going out to hula hoop seems like work. I'm still trying to recover my strength after an injury, so training aerial silks feels frustrating. I've spent the day writing lesson plans, so staring at a computer trying to generate ideas to share in a blog post doesn't seem like fun, and I feel like I don't really have anything interesting to say anyways. With all of that negativity taking up space in my brain, no wonder I was feeling badly! 

Luckily for me, the universe saw that I was in need and presented a few perfect solutions for my melancholy. First, my amazing aerial instructor is planning a student showcase for November. Choreographing an act and working towards this showcase is just what I need to get my personal creative juices flowing! I am often motivated by working towards a goal and for me creating a new routine is a wonderful challenge. I was also fortunate enough to experience circus performers from around the world put on amazing and thought-provoking shows during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this summer, so I'm happy to say that I have more than enough inspiration to draw on for this performance. It will be my first performance after my injury, so I am trying to be kind to myself, but I'm quite excited to get back on stage!

I am also in the midst of fostering some new writing ideas, also for the circus world. I have been networking with other writers, discussing how we can foster the circus writing community, and make it a sustainable way for performers and writers to make a living wage. I spent part of my summer working with circus writer/reviewer extraordinaire Katherine Kavanaugh, founder of the online circus website, Circus Diaries. With her support, I realised this summer that my writing voice is appreciated and it is needed. I want to promote the outstanding work that is being created here in Toronto, Ontario. I want to bring it to an audience outside of the immediate community.  I have reached out to organizations and received media accreditation so that I can review shows when they are playing here and build audiences for circus productions outside of the world of Cirque du Soliel. The hope is that with a wider audience,  more international shows will make Toronto a stop on their tours.

Self-reflection is a pretty amazing thing. Having spent the time to think about what bothers me and then creating a plan to get past those feelings has helped me to make it over my September Slump. Whatever you do to get past your slumps, be it writing, performing, painting, or yodeling, just be sure to carve out some time for yourself and do it! If you're feeling uninspired, reach out to your community and find inspiration in what others are doing. Challenge yourself to try something new-to-you. If you're still feeling meh then have a nap and try again in the morning! Just don't quit trying, OK?!                                                             

Cheers! Jackie

It's Quite the Balancing Act!

Walking out of an appointment last night, I slipped and nearly fell down a flight of stairs. It wasn't bad and I wasn't hurt, but balance is obviously an issue for me at times!

I've been working very hard this year trying to be a more emotionally balanced person. I am focusing on being more open-minded, more positive, more affectionate and relaxed. I am trying to reduce the anger and hostility that I used to approach problems with and take on a more tempered resolution process. I think I have changed for the better and I know I still have a long way to go!

I also know that I should practise a work-life balance and eat a balanced diet. These are challenges that I have faced and that I am consistently working on in my day-to-day life.

That word, balance, crept into my consciousness again last night and not because I nearly fell down some stairs either! As an active, athletic person I consider myself to be fit and strong. I can do a pull-up. I can do a push-up. I bet I'd even take you in an arm wrestling contest! Despite all of this, I am still weak in certain areas and this weakness has caused me my fair share of issues.

I rely on my aerial work to meet my fitness goals, and in the past I have felt as though I have been meeting those goals and I have pretty much stopped participating in other forms of fitness. My days at the gym have slowly dwindled away. My 5k runs I was enjoying last summer dried up when the weather became colder. My yoga practise has been practically non-existent over the past several months. I have made excuses about time, money, and interest, but the reality is I could have and I should have been engaging my body in different ways.

After suffering another injury setback in the past few weeks, it has become very apparent that I need to balance my body and my training regimes. Thanks to a great discussion with my osteopath, Holly Treddenick of Blue Bird Osteopathy, I have found a probable culprit. My weak lower abdominals are causing my hip flexors to over-engage when I am training. When I train longer, more often or harder, they are basically constantly engaged, then become fatigued and finally, my back goes and I am stuck in bed with severe pain. Not fun!

Understanding the issue now, I have been able to create a balanced approach that should resolve my current problem and lessen the chances of another injury. I will be working towards this resolution in the following ways:

1. Yoga! I have recently begun practising Bikrim Yoga at the Bikram Yoga Studio in the Beaches, near my home. I have only participated in a few classes, but it is challenging and invigorating! The instructors are friendly and knowledgeable and I really look forward to getting the most out of my monthly pass! The goal I need to keep in mind is that this is an opportunity for me to stretch and release the tension in my very tight muscles so that they stop squashing the bones inside of me!

2. Aerial! Of course aerial. However, I am going to be very conscious of balancing out my training so that I am equally training my right (dominant) side and my left. This will correct the imbalances over-training my right has caused over the years.

3. Pilates! I was shocked when Holly suggested that my lower abdominals were weak. Shocked, I tell you! The proof is in the pudding though and I have had lower back issues for years now. I gotta do something about this. So, a few 30-minute sessions of pilates a week is just what I need. I am going to try and do this at home using a Youtube video series. I hear Popsugar is good. We'll see. Regardless, strengthening my core is just going to make everything better!

4. Strengthen my lower body! Squats, lunges and calf raises - Oh my! I have to do it though. I can't have a saggy butt and awesome arms. That's just weird!

Now, how am I going to balance all of this out on top of work and family and friends? Hopefully, like this gorgeous tight rope walker, I will handle these new challenges with grace, ease and of course, strength!

Tightrope Walker, 1890

Cheers, Jackie

Where Did the Motivation Go?

I try to keep this as a positive place. A place where I can share and reflect on the good things that are happening in life. There are always good things happening in life, so why focus on the negative, right? I try. Today, I am losing that battle. Today, I am sharing a bit of rawness with you because my emotions are feeling pretty raw.

Nothing new has happened to bring on these thoughts and feelings. In fact, I have struggled with being a positive person for most of my life. When I was younger, a shrink did a number on my emotions at just the wrong time in my development. Needless to say, she took a fairly normal child that made a mistake and was facing a difficult situation at home and talked that child into depression.

To clarify, I got into some minor trouble by drinking too much. Alcohol poisoning isn't that uncommon among teenagers, but I got caught. The courts looked at a family situation that was happening and deemed it necessary for me to see a psychiatrist. For weeks I listened to her tell me I had suicidal thoughts and was trying to kill myself by drinking to excess and I said, "No. That's not me. I am OK. I made a mistake. It was only once." I was 14 years old though. Eventually, I started to believe her.

For the next three years I struggled with cutting, depression, more drinking and drugs, cutting class, fighting (verbally and physically) with people at school and my family. My younger sister couldn't stand to be in my presence. I would hit and throw things at my mom. I would lock myself away and cut and cry. I would ditch school all the time. One time, I ran away from home for 4 days. Another time, I evaded arrest. Yes, picture me running away and police chasing me. It was a difficult time in my life.

I am sure if I was a child now I would have some specific diagnosis. Oppositional Defiance Disorder is the one that springs to mind. Back in the early nineties though, I was told I have a problem with authority and anger management issues. I wasn't medicated. My family and I were left to deal with my issues and I think we did a pretty OK job. However, all of those feelings still exist in me.

As an adult, I have learned to control deal with my issues. Lately though, not so much. The weight of various issues in my life is pulling at me. I feel trapped and in general that my life is in a huge rut.

What's worse, is that a few weeks ago, I was on top of the world. Summer had just ended and I was feeling optimistic about a new start at a new school. I was on a circus high thanks to great workshops at CCAFT and a real sense of being a part of a community that I loved and appreciated while we rehearsed for Cascade. After Nuit Blanche ended I experienced a serious crash though.

My new school life is not what I was hoping for when I left my previous job. Being a new school, there are serious gaps in literally everything. Every day is a challenge because we don't have computers or supplies.  There are no consistent routines and the students are running wild. The academic output from the students has so many holes and gaps, I have no idea where to start most days. I am frustrated that we are not making the progress that I would like to see. The fact that most of my colleagues feel the same way is not boosting my mood in any way either.

Looking back, when I was surrounded by people at CCAFT, I saw and heard about the amazing things that Social Circus can accomplish. I spoke to inspirational people. I had ideas and leads and I was ready to take on a new initiative in my life. Now, reality is all around me. As I mentioned above, I have issues to deal with all day at work. I have marking that needs to come home at night. I have progress reports that need to be written. I have parent meetings, staff meetings, committee meetings. What I don't have, is time to work on my own passion projects.

Work takes over.

That's where I am at. I haven't moved ahead in anything. In fact, because I feel so emotionally shitty, I am not working out as much as I should. I am tired. I feel drained. I know in my heart and in my head that working out would make me feel better, but I can't get myself motivated. To do anything. And, that puts me into a negative spiral. Everyone around me suffers when I feel this way because I pick fights. I am just not nice to be around.

Ironically, as I am writing this post, the principal of my school sent out an email about "the teacher mindset." She included a link to a blog post about how to deal with these feelings. But, what do you do when you feel this way, but you don't have love for the job? If you feel like reading the post it can be found at:

The Teacher Mindset

I have to do something though. I can't sit here and wallow in my out self-pity. So, I have contacted a personal trainer. That gets started on October 28, and hopefully pushes me to take better care of myself physically and mentally. I am also going to see my family doctor. I should not be having anxiety in the car on the way to work. I should not be crying over my job. I also don't want to be medicated, so I am interested to see what direction she points me in when I see her tomorrow. It might go well. It might not.

I also have to speak with the people closest to me. There are things in my life that need to change, but require more than just change from me. That's the hardest part of transformation - the parts you don't control. I want to spend more time with friends and have their support, but we all need to make time for that to happen. Also, significant others need to be on the same page and working towards the same goals and sometimes that consensus is difficult to come to when you are at different places.

Reaching out though is the first step. It's a good step. I hope to make many more positive steps as I work though these issues. Thanks for listening and reading this far. It means so much.