Getting Past the September Slump

September is an exhausting month for me and thankfully it is almost over.  I spend July and August as a (mostly) free spirit. I get up when I want. I eat when I want. I spend time with myself doing what I want with few responsibilities. And then it's September and everything changes.

September brings early mornings and long commutes in traffic. September brings meal planning and prepping and regimented times to eat and go to the bathroom. Most of all, September means that I need to shift my mental focus away from myself and towards the young people that I am responsible for inspiring on a daily basis.

Please don't read this and think that I'm complaining about my vacation time, or the fact that I'm back to work. I'm not. However, the other day I was feeling down and pretty uninspired and I had to wonder, why? Teachers have always been sensitive to the fact that some children have a difficult time transitioning back into the routine of school days however I had never really reflected on my own feelings during this time.

At the moment, my creativity is being used to plan engaging lessons for my students. I am building relationships with 28 new people. Each one of them is different. Each one of them has expectations of me. Some come to school with bad feelings about their previous teachers or experiences in education. Some come with a set of challenges that I need to learn, understand, work with, and carefully balance. I am trying to hook them for the year and I don't have very many opportunities to create that hook. It's not easy and the stress is real!

All of those carefree things I was doing in the summer have been put on the back burner. I'm tired, so going out to hula hoop seems like work. I'm still trying to recover my strength after an injury, so training aerial silks feels frustrating. I've spent the day writing lesson plans, so staring at a computer trying to generate ideas to share in a blog post doesn't seem like fun, and I feel like I don't really have anything interesting to say anyways. With all of that negativity taking up space in my brain, no wonder I was feeling badly! 

Luckily for me, the universe saw that I was in need and presented a few perfect solutions for my melancholy. First, my amazing aerial instructor is planning a student showcase for November. Choreographing an act and working towards this showcase is just what I need to get my personal creative juices flowing! I am often motivated by working towards a goal and for me creating a new routine is a wonderful challenge. I was also fortunate enough to experience circus performers from around the world put on amazing and thought-provoking shows during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this summer, so I'm happy to say that I have more than enough inspiration to draw on for this performance. It will be my first performance after my injury, so I am trying to be kind to myself, but I'm quite excited to get back on stage!

I am also in the midst of fostering some new writing ideas, also for the circus world. I have been networking with other writers, discussing how we can foster the circus writing community, and make it a sustainable way for performers and writers to make a living wage. I spent part of my summer working with circus writer/reviewer extraordinaire Katherine Kavanaugh, founder of the online circus website, Circus Diaries. With her support, I realised this summer that my writing voice is appreciated and it is needed. I want to promote the outstanding work that is being created here in Toronto, Ontario. I want to bring it to an audience outside of the immediate community.  I have reached out to organizations and received media accreditation so that I can review shows when they are playing here and build audiences for circus productions outside of the world of Cirque du Soliel. The hope is that with a wider audience,  more international shows will make Toronto a stop on their tours.

Self-reflection is a pretty amazing thing. Having spent the time to think about what bothers me and then creating a plan to get past those feelings has helped me to make it over my September Slump. Whatever you do to get past your slumps, be it writing, performing, painting, or yodeling, just be sure to carve out some time for yourself and do it! If you're feeling uninspired, reach out to your community and find inspiration in what others are doing. Challenge yourself to try something new-to-you. If you're still feeling meh then have a nap and try again in the morning! Just don't quit trying, OK?!                                                             

Cheers! Jackie

What Am I Doing Wrong? and Other Important Questions

Do you ever sit and ask yourself, "What am I doing wrong?" I ask myself this question ALL the time, yet I never seem to get the answer that I'm looking for back. At these moments, I question every single decision that I've ever made in my life. Notably, they are all the wrong decisions.

Two weeks ago, I was driving to work and a van kicked a stone up and cracked my windshield. This meant an unexpected repair and an unexpected cost. I had it fixed over the weekend, paid the price and thought I was done with it. Nope. Turns out, the people that put in the new windshield messed something up (that's official car lingo, ya know) and now it sounds like a swarm of bees lives in my car if I'm driving over 75 km/h. I'm only guessing, but there's some broken or loose piece of plastic vibrating against my new windshield somewhere. I called the place where I got it fixed and of course they treated me like an idiot and ensured me that they had installed the part correctly and they couldn't do anything about it.

Why did I tell this boring car story? Well, on this day, this event is what set off my mood and made me question my whole existence. How? Simply because my car has to get me to work every day. If that doesn't make any sense to you (because you're a sane and normal person), let me walk you through my neurotic mindset.

1. Something went wrong. I got it fixed. The fix didn't work. I tried to remedy that. I didn't get the response I wanted. I now hate my car because it is an unwanted expense and source of frustration.

2. Once my car becomes a source of frustration, I then deflect that onto my job. If I didn't have this job that was so far away from my home, I wouldn't need a car. If I didn't need a car think about how much extra money I would have right now.

3. Wait, why don't I have more money? I make a good salary. I don't have children to support. I don't have a big mortgage or tonnes of debt. Where does all my money go?

4. What am I doing wrong? Why do all of my friends/family/strangers on the street have it so much better than me? Everyone lives in a nice house that they OWN. How can they afford that? Everyone gets to go on fancy vacations to exotic places around the world. Why do I have to skrimp and save just to go away for a few days in the summer? [**Note: In reality, I know that not everyone has it better than me**]

5. My job is an endless source of frustration and I thought I only did it for the financial security, but I don't have all of the things that I want. Why do I keep doing it? Everyone I know loves their job or, they're doing something important or meaningful. Why can't I do something that I love? [**Note: I know that not everyone loves their job**]

6. Wait, what do I love? What are my goals? I don't have any because I'm just trying to get through the day. I'm stuck.

The sixth statement is the one that has been bothering me the most lately. Friends, family and my therapist have all approached me with some form of this question... If you're not happy, what are your goals for the future? How are you going to make a change? I always answer the same way... Right now, I'm just so overwhelmed by my job, my goal is simply to get to the end of the day. When I walk into my classroom at 8:00 a.m., my goal for the future is to get to 3:40 p.m. without any sort of major incident.

How do I get beyond this feeling? How do I put aside my present to think about a better future? How do I find my passion? I've read about this. I've talked about this. I've thought about this. I don't have an answer that works right now. If you've made a big change in your life, what inspired you? What steps did you take to get you from the place you were to the place you wanted to be? What were your biggest challenges? How did you feel throughout the process? Are you happier now and was it all worth it? I hope that if I see, hear and understand the process, I'll be able to take steps to start it for myself. And hey, it never hurts to ask!

Cheers,

Jackie

"This is 40ish"... Right?!

About a month ago, I was invited to participate in an interview for Chatelaine magazine. This was an open call that I responded to from a Facebook post. The first 45 respondents were invited to the Chatelaine office to participate in a photoshoot and video interview.

The woman who responded to my email told me to come in an outfit that made me feel great and that they would provide interview questions on the day of the interview. I chose a simple outfit ~ jeans and black tank and blazer. I put on some cute accessories and did my make-up just so, accentuating a bold, red lip. I had just had my hair done. I felt confident. I felt gorgeous. I felt excited to be a part of the process!

The photoshoot went really well. The photographer was upbeat. The setting was easy. I laughed and had a lot of fun! Admittedly, I was a bit nervous for the video interview. They would not tell us the questions that we were to be asked. It was to be candid. As the questions were posed to me, I felt that I answered honestly. I did my best to articulate myself and my feelings clearly, and although I wasn't exactly happy with some of my responses, they were honest.

I would like to take you through my responses to these questions, and add a bit more now that I've had time to reflect on them more thoroughly.

1. What makes you unique? 

This was a surprisingly difficult question to answer. I don't necessarily consider myself all that unique, but at the same time I feel that we are all unique! I said something about how I chose to spend my free time. I discussed my pursuit of circus and aerial work as the focus here. To my particular group of friends this isn't necessarily a unique hobby, but to many others it definitely would be different! To add to this response, I would like to also say that I take a youthful approach to everything I do! I am not ashamed to say that I love heavy metal music. I go to at least one concert a month. I embrace a youthful appearance in my clothing, hair and accessories. I don't believe that fashion has an age limit. When other adults are sitting having coffee after dinner and talking about their mortgages, I'm outside running and playing with the kids. I make believe and connect with them and that is why I'm the favourite aunt! I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a true kid at heart. That is a big part of what makes me unique!

2. Would you rather have the breasts of your 20s or the freedom of your 20s?

What a dumb question! I said the freedom and I stand by that statement. I am more than just my tits! When I was in my twenties, I traveled to Australia TWICE! In fact, I traveled whenever I wanted because I had no responsibilities to a job with a set vacation schedule. I had a fun job. I worked at a record store and even though I bitched about it, it really was pretty sweet! I went to a revitalized Woodstock. I wasn't afraid to get into a mosh pit. Now I'm worry about how I would explain a black eye! I went to the bar and got to work with or without a hangover. I didn't worry about marking those assignments or writing those report cards. My customers at HMV didn't make me cry because I knew their insults/craziness wouldn't cost me my career. I hadn't learned to live an extravagant lifestyle because I didn't have the money to do so. Now, I wonder how I would live making that kind of money. Life was just easier and simpler! Plus, my boobs still look pretty good!

3. Do you consider yourself a feminist?

My response was a strong YES! I'm not too proud of where it went from there though. I linked my feminism to my choices not to get married or have children, but guess what? Some of the strongest feminists I know are married women with children. I wish I had have said this: I surround myself with strong women. They remind me daily of what it means to be a feminist. We are fiercely independent and we speak our minds. No one is going to tell us how we should live our lives! If we choose to have children, that is our choice. If we choose not to, that is also our choice. A feminist supports the choices of all women no matter what that choice might be, or who it might offend. A feminist supports her sisters and does not put down another woman because her choices aren't theirs. Of course, feminism is much more than these few simple statements, but this is a good start!

I did state the fact that I support teaching the younger generation about feminism. I hear some very sad statements come from the young girls I teach ~ statements about how some celebrity deserved to be beaten by her boyfriend; jokes about rape; talk of dieting in girls as young as 9 years old; children of the same age who are dying their hair and getting fake nails. They call each other whores, bitches and sluts. They ask me what's wrong with my boyfriend or with me because we're not married. They think there's something wrong with us because we don't have kids and live in an apartment. I've had parents question my choices and ask me not to talk about them with their daughters. I would question a teacher who wouldn't address these issues by talking about feminism!

At the same time, the administrator that hired me told me that one reason she did so was because I provided a refreshing alternative to the stereotypical teacher. It was important to her that young girls see that you can be successful and independent and strong with or without a husband. I thank her for her open mindedness!

4. Where are you in your career?

If you follow my posts regularly, you know that I have issues with my career and I voiced some of them in my response. I focused on explaining my frustration with the lack of choice in my profession. Many teachers fight for years to become permanently employed. I was lucky and was hired very quickly out of school. Since then, not much has changed. My job has become stagnant. I am a teacher. I can teach different grades. I can teach different subjects. I can try to move to different schools, although this is very difficult to achieve. If it suited me, I could upgrade my education to become an administrator, or try to become a consultant at the board office. Unlike my friends who work in the corporate world, there is no ladder to climb. Most of my moves are lateral. For an ambitious person, this can be frustrating.

5. Do you think you look good naked? 

Again, my answer was a resounding YES! I look better now than I did in my younger years because I care about my body more now than I ever did. I am not a large person, but I am also not a stereotypically thin woman. I have meat on my bones. I have muscle that helps me haul my butt up those silks. I am proud of it. I've worked hard for it. I am the girl who is always walking around the house in some state of undress. Let them look, I say! I am not ashamed of my body. I accept it. I embrace it. It carries me through life. It is mine.

This is obviously not a natural way for a woman to feel though (*note my sarcasm*). Women are supposed to be ashamed of their bodies and according to the Chatelaine survey, most women are ashamed of their bodies. Even the most petite women interviewed said they felt this way. Unfortunately, this is the angle that Chatelaine chose to pursue. They chose not to break the stereotype.

The Aftermath

A few weeks after the interview took place, I was emailed by one of the editors with a link to the online version of the article and a beautiful picture provided to me by the photographer. I was excited and immediately posted the picture to Facebook pronouncing my participation and provided a link to the article. I noticed I wasn't featured in the interview portions very much, but I thought I might show up in the print version more prominently. To my embarrassment, I have been completely cut from the print version. I feel that the article does not feature a balanced look at the state of women at all. I suppose that I don't "fit" in with what Chatelaine's typical reader might identify with and that is why I am not in the article. I do feel that it was a missed opportunity for Chatelaine to update their very conservative image (e.g., a magazine all about how to be a good homemaker).

Photo Credit: Jeff Carlson Photography

Being the feminist that I am, I have written to the editor that contacted me voicing my upset with the article and the lack of balance in it. I did so unapologetically. Women spend too much of their energy apologizing for their feelings. I am uncertain of their response, but I feel justified in my statements. If you'd like to read the online article it can be found here.

If you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read through this long post. I had a good deal to say today and it's been a while since I have had a chance to write anything. It feels good. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! Next up, New Year's Resolutions... Where did the year go?!

Cheers, Jackie

Tangled, Untangled and Tangled Again

As the end of the school year drew to a close last week, the principal of my school sent the staff a reflective email detailing all of the accomplishments and successes of the school year. She noted that she had learned so much throughout this year and posed the question to the staff: What did you learn this year?

As a human, I have been pretty resistant to change in my life. Let's be honest, change is hard and it is much easier to settle into our route (or rut) of existence and stay the course. This year wasn't like that for me. I have tried to embrace change and growth. Along the way, I have learned a few things:

1. The change you want is not always the change you get. I've gotten myself caught up in this trap a few times over the years. The grass is always greener on the other side. I just need a fresh perspective and things are going to be so much different. Sure. Things might be different, but you might not like how they're different! The reality is, looking for happiness outside of yourself is a surefire way to find disappointment! I think this lesson has finally sunk in and helped me to understand this next lesson;

2. If you truly want change, you have to change yourself. Throughout my life, I've be-bopped around and found myself in one mess or another. Sometimes things aren't even a mess. They're just not what I've wanted. Damned unhappiness following me around like a rain cloud. I've always been quick to blame the other person, place, or thing getting in the way of my happiness. What did I do to deserve this? Why can't it just go away?! This year, I've learned that I may be putting myself in these situations through the choices that I'm making. Imagine! By not realizing this and not taking responsibility for my own actions, nothing changes and I get angry/upset/frustrated. When these feelings get too overwhelming, I run away again. I'm still angry and upset, the situation is just new. Which led me to my next lesson;

3. Being angry doesn't help. This one's a big one as I'm a pretty angry person. This year I was asked to question where that anger had gotten me lately. Did it make me happier in the end to fly off the handle? The answer was, it doesn't really help or make me feel better. Many times after an outburst, I feel embarrassed and apologetic. These days, I try to stop and think before I meltdown. I've actually used the words I say to myself to my students to help them through their anger, especially if it's something small. By stopping and thinking "Is this problem worth the upset?" or "Who is being hurt here by your anger - you or the other person?" or "Why are you choosing to let this small person/thing/occurrence ruin your day?" I'm not claiming that a "positive mindset" can cure all of your woes. I still get angry. I still meltdown. Try small steps though and see how you feel.

4. Looking at yourself critically and trying to change is always risky. Don't be afraid to take risks. I've put myself out there time and again this year and it feels great. Whether its been by questioning an authority figure (in a respectful way of course) about their own equity practices, or just being willing to openly and unashamedly hug my friends, I've been taking risks this year. I've performed in front of hundreds of people at Nuit Blanche. I've performed in front of my mentors at Aertime. I've pushed through injuries to become a stronger and better aerialist. I've been writing about my successes and defeats here on this blog. I've worked with young people teaching aerial this year for the first time, and I've submitted proposals to be involved in more epic adventures with the great artists of this city.

Yesterday, I performed a piece for the third time. It's not often that I have an opportunity to perform the same piece for different audiences. My first run through ended in a tangled mess. I had to come down and start again. Surprisingly, I wasn't upset. I was able to shake it off and get up there and take on that creature again and win! I was pretty damned proud of myself!  I've realized that my self-worth isn't teethered to any one aspect of my life. As long as I'm imperfect, I have lots of room to grow and learn and change. We all do :)

Things look like they're going well, but really I'm all tangled up!
It's kinda like life, isn't it?!

Cheers!

Jackie

Moonlighting for Circus Sessions

Hey all... Just a brief repost of a blog I wrote for the Circus Sessions happening at Harbourfront Centre May 11-17, 2015. Greg, my muse, was super-cool and has mad skills. Check him out and check out my blog!

Don't Drop the Ball: Object Manipulation

It's Quite the Balancing Act!

Walking out of an appointment last night, I slipped and nearly fell down a flight of stairs. It wasn't bad and I wasn't hurt, but balance is obviously an issue for me at times!

I've been working very hard this year trying to be a more emotionally balanced person. I am focusing on being more open-minded, more positive, more affectionate and relaxed. I am trying to reduce the anger and hostility that I used to approach problems with and take on a more tempered resolution process. I think I have changed for the better and I know I still have a long way to go!

I also know that I should practise a work-life balance and eat a balanced diet. These are challenges that I have faced and that I am consistently working on in my day-to-day life.

That word, balance, crept into my consciousness again last night and not because I nearly fell down some stairs either! As an active, athletic person I consider myself to be fit and strong. I can do a pull-up. I can do a push-up. I bet I'd even take you in an arm wrestling contest! Despite all of this, I am still weak in certain areas and this weakness has caused me my fair share of issues.

I rely on my aerial work to meet my fitness goals, and in the past I have felt as though I have been meeting those goals and I have pretty much stopped participating in other forms of fitness. My days at the gym have slowly dwindled away. My 5k runs I was enjoying last summer dried up when the weather became colder. My yoga practise has been practically non-existent over the past several months. I have made excuses about time, money, and interest, but the reality is I could have and I should have been engaging my body in different ways.

After suffering another injury setback in the past few weeks, it has become very apparent that I need to balance my body and my training regimes. Thanks to a great discussion with my osteopath, Holly Treddenick of Blue Bird Osteopathy, I have found a probable culprit. My weak lower abdominals are causing my hip flexors to over-engage when I am training. When I train longer, more often or harder, they are basically constantly engaged, then become fatigued and finally, my back goes and I am stuck in bed with severe pain. Not fun!

Understanding the issue now, I have been able to create a balanced approach that should resolve my current problem and lessen the chances of another injury. I will be working towards this resolution in the following ways:

1. Yoga! I have recently begun practising Bikrim Yoga at the Bikram Yoga Studio in the Beaches, near my home. I have only participated in a few classes, but it is challenging and invigorating! The instructors are friendly and knowledgeable and I really look forward to getting the most out of my monthly pass! The goal I need to keep in mind is that this is an opportunity for me to stretch and release the tension in my very tight muscles so that they stop squashing the bones inside of me!

2. Aerial! Of course aerial. However, I am going to be very conscious of balancing out my training so that I am equally training my right (dominant) side and my left. This will correct the imbalances over-training my right has caused over the years.

3. Pilates! I was shocked when Holly suggested that my lower abdominals were weak. Shocked, I tell you! The proof is in the pudding though and I have had lower back issues for years now. I gotta do something about this. So, a few 30-minute sessions of pilates a week is just what I need. I am going to try and do this at home using a Youtube video series. I hear Popsugar is good. We'll see. Regardless, strengthening my core is just going to make everything better!

4. Strengthen my lower body! Squats, lunges and calf raises - Oh my! I have to do it though. I can't have a saggy butt and awesome arms. That's just weird!

Now, how am I going to balance all of this out on top of work and family and friends? Hopefully, like this gorgeous tight rope walker, I will handle these new challenges with grace, ease and of course, strength!

Tightrope Walker, 1890

Cheers, Jackie