I try to keep this as a positive place. A place where I can share and reflect on the good things that are happening in life. There are always good things happening in life, so why focus on the negative, right? I try. Today, I am losing that battle. Today, I am sharing a bit of rawness with you because my emotions are feeling pretty raw.
Nothing new has happened to bring on these thoughts and feelings. In fact, I have struggled with being a positive person for most of my life. When I was younger, a shrink did a number on my emotions at just the wrong time in my development. Needless to say, she took a fairly normal child that made a mistake and was facing a difficult situation at home and talked that child into depression.
To clarify, I got into some minor trouble by drinking too much. Alcohol poisoning isn't that uncommon among teenagers, but I got caught. The courts looked at a family situation that was happening and deemed it necessary for me to see a psychiatrist. For weeks I listened to her tell me I had suicidal thoughts and was trying to kill myself by drinking to excess and I said, "No. That's not me. I am OK. I made a mistake. It was only once." I was 14 years old though. Eventually, I started to believe her.
For the next three years I struggled with cutting, depression, more drinking and drugs, cutting class, fighting (verbally and physically) with people at school and my family. My younger sister couldn't stand to be in my presence. I would hit and throw things at my mom. I would lock myself away and cut and cry. I would ditch school all the time. One time, I ran away from home for 4 days. Another time, I evaded arrest. Yes, picture me running away and police chasing me. It was a difficult time in my life.
I am sure if I was a child now I would have some specific diagnosis. Oppositional Defiance Disorder is the one that springs to mind. Back in the early nineties though, I was told I have a problem with authority and anger management issues. I wasn't medicated. My family and I were left to deal with my issues and I think we did a pretty OK job. However, all of those feelings still exist in me.
As an adult, I have learned to
control deal with my issues. Lately though, not so much. The weight of various issues in my life is pulling at me. I feel trapped and in general that my life is in a huge rut.
What's worse, is that a few weeks ago, I was on top of the world. Summer had just ended and I was feeling optimistic about a new start at a new school. I was on a circus high thanks to great workshops at CCAFT and a real sense of being a part of a community that I loved and appreciated while we rehearsed for Cascade. After Nuit Blanche ended I experienced a serious crash though.
My new school life is not what I was hoping for when I left my previous job. Being a new school, there are serious gaps in literally everything. Every day is a challenge because we don't have computers or supplies. There are no consistent routines and the students are running wild. The academic output from the students has so many holes and gaps, I have no idea where to start most days. I am frustrated that we are not making the progress that I would like to see. The fact that most of my colleagues feel the same way is not boosting my mood in any way either.
Looking back, when I was surrounded by people at CCAFT, I saw and heard about the amazing things that Social Circus can accomplish. I spoke to inspirational people. I had ideas and leads and I was ready to take on a new initiative in my life. Now, reality is all around me. As I mentioned above, I have issues to deal with all day at work. I have marking that needs to come home at night. I have progress reports that need to be written. I have parent meetings, staff meetings, committee meetings. What I don't have, is time to work on my own passion projects.
Work takes over.
That's where I am at. I haven't moved ahead in anything. In fact, because I feel so emotionally shitty, I am not working out as much as I should. I am tired. I feel drained. I know in my heart and in my head that working out would make me feel better, but I can't get myself motivated. To do anything. And, that puts me into a negative spiral. Everyone around me suffers when I feel this way because I pick fights. I am just not nice to be around.
Ironically, as I am writing this post, the principal of my school sent out an email about "the teacher mindset." She included a link to a blog post about how to deal with these feelings. But, what do you do when you feel this way, but you don't have love for the job? If you feel like reading the post it can be found at:
The Teacher Mindset
I have to do something though. I can't sit here and wallow in my out self-pity. So, I have contacted a personal trainer. That gets started on October 28, and hopefully pushes me to take better care of myself physically and mentally. I am also going to see my family doctor. I should not be having anxiety in the car on the way to work. I should not be crying over my job. I also don't want to be medicated, so I am interested to see what direction she points me in when I see her tomorrow. It might go well. It might not.
I also have to speak with the people closest to me. There are things in my life that need to change, but require more than just change from me. That's the hardest part of transformation - the parts you don't control. I want to spend more time with friends and have their support, but we all need to make time for that to happen. Also, significant others need to be on the same page and working towards the same goals and sometimes that consensus is difficult to come to when you are at different places.
Reaching out though is the first step. It's a good step. I hope to make many more positive steps as I work though these issues. Thanks for listening and reading this far. It means so much.
