New Year 2.016

At this same time last year, I sat down to reflect on another year passed and looked to set goals for a year yet to come. I felt the hopefulness of a new year, as I'm sure many of you did too. I resolved to meet 2015 with an open mind and an open heart. I resolved to work to make myself a better person and to help the world and people around me.

As it turns out, 2015 was a tumultuous year, not just for me, but for people around me and the world as a whole. When I say it was tumultuous, I don't mean to say it was all bad. Sometimes an upset in the status quo is a good thing. I can't help but think about the federal election held here in Canada. Talk about tumultuous! One day, Stephen Harper is running the country like some maniacal dictator and the next, he's giving up the leadership of the Progressive Conservative party that he burned to the ground. From those ashes arose a new, young and vibrant leader. Justin Trudeau's leadership is still in it's early days. He has much to contend with - a struggling economy, a world held hostage by madmen and terrorists, an environment that is screaming for rescue - but I have hope that fresh ideas and a modern approach to these issues can make an impact here and around the world. The coming year will certainly test the resolve of this new government, but at least the more progressively-minded folks of our nation will no longer have to hang our heads in shame when speaking of our country's leadership.

Voting is cool! We learned that this year. 

Mind and Body

Last year I set some goals for myself and, to be honest, didn't follow through on all of them. I am most disappointed that I didn't listen to my body enough and I am dealing with an injury yet again. I am starting off this year with some fitness goals in mind and I am not going to fall short this time. I am kick starting my year with a 7-day detox created by my good friend and holistic nutritionist, Jackie McCaffrey. This is not a starvation diet, or a juice cleanse. It is an all around reset for my mind and body. By cleansing my body of harmful toxins, and settling into some mindful habits, especially sleep habits, I am hoping to get rid of a few extra pounds from my body and a little extra weight off my shoulders. Her nighttime suggestions include getting a full 7-8 hours of sleep and turning off the electronics a full hour before bed. To help the mind relax she suggested unwinding with some meditative colouring and breathing. A full hour seems like a big commitment since I am planning on getting up at 5:00 a.m. most days to hit the gym before work. I'm going to try for a half hour!

There's that 5:00 a.m. wake up call thing. I have to make some changes in my workout routine or I am going to keep injuring myself. As I get older, these injuries are causing me more issues for a longer time. By taking a more holistic approach to fitness, I hope to nip this in the bud. So, early morning cardio and light weight-training are going to be my goal. It's going to be hard, but I can do hard! I'm also getting more into stretching and pilates and hopefully within six weeks of the new year, I want to be back in the air! I have a goal, I have to work to meet it. Good things aren't known to come easily!

Get Out of That Comfort Zone!

Aertime - June 6, 2015

Glaciology - October 3, 2015

I tried to put myself out there in 2015. It sometimes went really well. It sometimes didn't. The first half of the year was pretty quiet, but then things really got rolling in June. I performed in my first AerTime, which was a pretty big deal! Aertime is a showcase where professional circus performers present "works in progress" and then receive feedback from the audience. I had a blast, but was nervous as hell performing alongside some of my mentors! Then, I performed with my girl, Jackie McCaffrey in front of an audience for Lonny's Smile, a children's charity. What an honour! Finally, there was Glaciology. This was by far the most outside my comfort zone I've been while performing. In this contemporary dance piece, a large group of artists rolled over each other and through the streets of Toronto throughout the 12-hour long Nuit Blanche festival. I am not one for being touchy-feely, so this was challenging. I made it though and now I can hug just about anyone!

I didn't fare so well with my Chatelaine interview. I tried to be honest and put it on the line, but the editors didn't deem my input appropriate for their magazine. It was a disappointment and embarrassing at the time. It hasn't stopped me from participating in other interviews since then though. Recently, I interviewed with a woman who is making a documentary about Glaciology and I can't wait to see how that goes. You see, despite a few hiccups, I have found that hanging it all out has many benefits! I can't wait to see how I can show off what I've got this year!

I certainly have a tonne of other relationship and career goals. I want to teach more aerial and I am lining up some good opportunities to learn and then do so. I want to spend more time with friends that I haven't been spending enough time with lately. I want to find a way to work within my chosen profession in a more positive way. I don't need to love my job, but it needs to be tolerable and latter half of 2015 especially has not been tolerable. I may achieve more happiness in my day job through my therapy sessions, or I may achieve it by leaving one situation for another. The solution is yet to be seen. Some days I wish I had a crystal ball! Then again, where would the fun be in that?

A new year brings new opportunities and 2016 has all the promise of the newborn baby that it is! Let's do our best to raise 2016 to be a positive contributor to the world. Let's be good parents and make sure that 2016 is raised the right way! Is this the cheesiest metaphor you've heard this year? Or is it an analogy? I don't know, but it's full-on cheez and I love it!

Cheers, Jackie

Highs and Lows of Learning

This past month has been a crazy blur of workshops, rehearsals, performance and of course work! There is so much to reflect on ~ both high points and low points in the process. The learning curve is steep when you are trying to challenge yourself to be a better you. There are stumbles along the way, but every mistake is an opportunity to learn and change and grow. I hope that is what I've been doing along the way.

Two weekends ago, I spent a Saturday and Sunday participating in workshops as part of the Contemporary Circus Arts Festival of Toronto (CCAFT). This year had a different feeling for me than last year. Unfortunately, I went into this weekend with a negative mindset and I really let it run the show. I went into the day with my injury on my mind and used it as a crutch. I told people about it and used it as an excuse as to why I might not be able to perform on par with other participants. I complained and I whined and after, I was embarrassed by my actions.

My fear of being judged and my fear of being a failure really set the tone for my participation, especially in the silks workshop I took. I wanted everyone to know that I was not an impostor and I should be there. I practically begged people to understand that I was just injured. In reality, the only people that needed to know were me and the instructor. Everyone else was focused on their own practice. They weren't pointing fingers at me and whispering to friends. These thoughts were all in my head. They were my problem. I am happy that I can reflect back and that I know that now. I wish I had have known it then. I could have gotten much more out of the day.

The following week began with rehearsals for the Nuit Blanche performance of Glaciology. I had signed up for this project knowing that it would be challenging for me. I have been working on my touch aversion for quite some time and while it is improving greatly and I do enjoy a hug from friends now, I still do not like to be touched by strangers. The idea of being a part of a 50-person human glacier rolling through the streets of Toronto really challenged this part of me. I REALLY wanted to be a part of Glaciology though because without challenge, there is no growth. I want to grow. I want to become a better me. So I rolled on.

Day one was emotional. I had a hard time getting into the mix and found myself on the periphery of the glacier most of the time. Even then, I had to remove myself from the group to collect myself. On more than one occasion I questioned whether or not I could be a part of this project. But, I didn't want this to be a repeat of CCAFT, so I continued with rehearsals and the final performance and I was so proud of myself. I spent the better part of 8 hours in that group. I was able to coil and connect with my fellow performers. I was able to take on their weight and allow myself to body surf the group too. I felt safe and secure and warm within the group, even though it was a damp and cold October evening and we were rolling on concrete and through puddles. The next day I was tired and I was sore, but I had accomplished something that I didn't think I would be able to do. I don't know how I could ever worry about touching a stranger again! Hugs for everyone!!

If I had remembered last year, I would have realized that post-performance lows are the norm. My most seasoned performer friends have told me that they still feel that low after a big performance. I should have expected this past week to be difficult. I didn't, but it was. The students in my class were difficult. My mood was low. There were racial discussions that went against my own personal beliefs. They bothered me and other students I teach. I told parents. They were unresponsive. I got lower. There was bullying. I tried to deal with it. The students' refusal to take responsibility for their actions and there outright lies were upsetting. More parental indifference.

What am I to do? I am feeling helpless. I am feeling useless. I want to help this group of students to grow and to learn. Some of them are going off to high school next year. They seem to fight me though. They seem to be happy to stare at their phones and resist my attempts to engage them in their education. In the end, I need to ensure that I continue to do my job to the best of my abilities and it's like the old saying goes: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." If I continue to  allow the actions of others, even the action of my students and their parents, chip away at my own well-being, I am the one who is going to suffer in the end. My goal for now is to work on ways to improve my own resilience so that I can deal with these frustrating work situations in a healthier way. My new outlook is to hope that I can plant a seed in even one student's head and one day that seed will grow into something beautiful.

This is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and despite the lows that I experience, I know that I have much to be grateful for in my life. I was reminded of this yesterday in an unexpected place, the Puralator Courier Pick Up Centre. There, I meet a lovely woman. She was joyous, for lack of a better word. During our discussion she told me about her son. He had Down Syndrome and had died 5 years ago while battling cancer. Despite her loss, she said she was grateful for the time she had with him and was content that he was at rest now and he didn't suffer any longer. If she can find gratitude in this situation, then I know that I can work through my own lows to become a stronger, better me. We ended our conversation in that Puralator Office with a hug.

("The Inbetween" by Beartooth. This song is a bit of how I feel ~ highs, lows and not getting lost in the inbetween.)

Happy Thanksgiving All,
Jackie