I have some of the best friends! I know that we all say these things, but I seriously, I have the best friends! I am eternally grateful that they are always happy to share their knowledge, their talents and time with me.
My amazing friend, Jackie McCaffrey is a talented performer and knowledgeable holistic nutritionist. Her website is a plethora a knowledge and I highly recommend you visit her blog to get some amazing recipes. While she is away enjoy a well-deserved aerial/yoga retreat in sunny Costa Rica, she invited me to contribute to her blog. This is what I wrote. I hope you enjoy the read, learn a little bit, leave a comment and start following Jackie immediately!
Cheers,
Jackie
Wednesday, 2 March 2016
Wednesday, 20 January 2016
What Am I Doing Wrong? and Other Important Questions
Do you ever sit and ask yourself, "What am I doing wrong?" I ask myself this question ALL the time, yet I never seem to get the answer that I'm looking for back. At these moments, I question every single decision that I've ever made in my life. Notably, they are all the wrong decisions.
Two weeks ago, I was driving to work and a van kicked a stone up and cracked my windshield. This meant an unexpected repair and an unexpected cost. I had it fixed over the weekend, paid the price and thought I was done with it. Nope. Turns out, the people that put in the new windshield messed something up (that's official car lingo, ya know) and now it sounds like a swarm of bees lives in my car if I'm driving over 75 km/h. I'm only guessing, but there's some broken or loose piece of plastic vibrating against my new windshield somewhere. I called the place where I got it fixed and of course they treated me like an idiot and ensured me that they had installed the part correctly and they couldn't do anything about it.
Why did I tell this boring car story? Well, on this day, this event is what set off my mood and made me question my whole existence. How? Simply because my car has to get me to work every day. If that doesn't make any sense to you (because you're a sane and normal person), let me walk you through my neurotic mindset.
1. Something went wrong. I got it fixed. The fix didn't work. I tried to remedy that. I didn't get the response I wanted. I now hate my car because it is an unwanted expense and source of frustration.
2. Once my car becomes a source of frustration, I then deflect that onto my job. If I didn't have this job that was so far away from my home, I wouldn't need a car. If I didn't need a car think about how much extra money I would have right now.
3. Wait, why don't I have more money? I make a good salary. I don't have children to support. I don't have a big mortgage or tonnes of debt. Where does all my money go?
4. What am I doing wrong? Why do all of my friends/family/strangers on the street have it so much better than me? Everyone lives in a nice house that they OWN. How can they afford that? Everyone gets to go on fancy vacations to exotic places around the world. Why do I have to skrimp and save just to go away for a few days in the summer? [**Note: In reality, I know that not everyone has it better than me**]
5. My job is an endless source of frustration and I thought I only did it for the financial security, but I don't have all of the things that I want. Why do I keep doing it? Everyone I know loves their job or, they're doing something important or meaningful. Why can't I do something that I love? [**Note: I know that not everyone loves their job**]
6. Wait, what do I love? What are my goals? I don't have any because I'm just trying to get through the day. I'm stuck.
The sixth statement is the one that has been bothering me the most lately. Friends, family and my therapist have all approached me with some form of this question... If you're not happy, what are your goals for the future? How are you going to make a change? I always answer the same way... Right now, I'm just so overwhelmed by my job, my goal is simply to get to the end of the day. When I walk into my classroom at 8:00 a.m., my goal for the future is to get to 3:40 p.m. without any sort of major incident.
How do I get beyond this feeling? How do I put aside my present to think about a better future? How do I find my passion? I've read about this. I've talked about this. I've thought about this. I don't have an answer that works right now. If you've made a big change in your life, what inspired you? What steps did you take to get you from the place you were to the place you wanted to be? What were your biggest challenges? How did you feel throughout the process? Are you happier now and was it all worth it? I hope that if I see, hear and understand the process, I'll be able to take steps to start it for myself. And hey, it never hurts to ask!
Two weeks ago, I was driving to work and a van kicked a stone up and cracked my windshield. This meant an unexpected repair and an unexpected cost. I had it fixed over the weekend, paid the price and thought I was done with it. Nope. Turns out, the people that put in the new windshield messed something up (that's official car lingo, ya know) and now it sounds like a swarm of bees lives in my car if I'm driving over 75 km/h. I'm only guessing, but there's some broken or loose piece of plastic vibrating against my new windshield somewhere. I called the place where I got it fixed and of course they treated me like an idiot and ensured me that they had installed the part correctly and they couldn't do anything about it.
Why did I tell this boring car story? Well, on this day, this event is what set off my mood and made me question my whole existence. How? Simply because my car has to get me to work every day. If that doesn't make any sense to you (because you're a sane and normal person), let me walk you through my neurotic mindset.
1. Something went wrong. I got it fixed. The fix didn't work. I tried to remedy that. I didn't get the response I wanted. I now hate my car because it is an unwanted expense and source of frustration.
2. Once my car becomes a source of frustration, I then deflect that onto my job. If I didn't have this job that was so far away from my home, I wouldn't need a car. If I didn't need a car think about how much extra money I would have right now.
3. Wait, why don't I have more money? I make a good salary. I don't have children to support. I don't have a big mortgage or tonnes of debt. Where does all my money go?
4. What am I doing wrong? Why do all of my friends/family/strangers on the street have it so much better than me? Everyone lives in a nice house that they OWN. How can they afford that? Everyone gets to go on fancy vacations to exotic places around the world. Why do I have to skrimp and save just to go away for a few days in the summer? [**Note: In reality, I know that not everyone has it better than me**]
5. My job is an endless source of frustration and I thought I only did it for the financial security, but I don't have all of the things that I want. Why do I keep doing it? Everyone I know loves their job or, they're doing something important or meaningful. Why can't I do something that I love? [**Note: I know that not everyone loves their job**]
6. Wait, what do I love? What are my goals? I don't have any because I'm just trying to get through the day. I'm stuck.
The sixth statement is the one that has been bothering me the most lately. Friends, family and my therapist have all approached me with some form of this question... If you're not happy, what are your goals for the future? How are you going to make a change? I always answer the same way... Right now, I'm just so overwhelmed by my job, my goal is simply to get to the end of the day. When I walk into my classroom at 8:00 a.m., my goal for the future is to get to 3:40 p.m. without any sort of major incident.
How do I get beyond this feeling? How do I put aside my present to think about a better future? How do I find my passion? I've read about this. I've talked about this. I've thought about this. I don't have an answer that works right now. If you've made a big change in your life, what inspired you? What steps did you take to get you from the place you were to the place you wanted to be? What were your biggest challenges? How did you feel throughout the process? Are you happier now and was it all worth it? I hope that if I see, hear and understand the process, I'll be able to take steps to start it for myself. And hey, it never hurts to ask!
Cheers,
Jackie
Sunday, 3 January 2016
New Year 2.016
At this same time last year, I sat down to reflect on another year passed and looked to set goals for a year yet to come. I felt the hopefulness of a new year, as I'm sure many of you did too. I resolved to meet 2015 with an open mind and an open heart. I resolved to work to make myself a better person and to help the world and people around me.
As it turns out, 2015 was a tumultuous year, not just for me, but for people around me and the world as a whole. When I say it was tumultuous, I don't mean to say it was all bad. Sometimes an upset in the status quo is a good thing. I can't help but think about the federal election held here in Canada. Talk about tumultuous! One day, Stephen Harper is running the country like some maniacal dictator and the next, he's giving up the leadership of the Progressive Conservative party that he burned to the ground. From those ashes arose a new, young and vibrant leader. Justin Trudeau's leadership is still in it's early days. He has much to contend with - a struggling economy, a world held hostage by madmen and terrorists, an environment that is screaming for rescue - but I have hope that fresh ideas and a modern approach to these issues can make an impact here and around the world. The coming year will certainly test the resolve of this new government, but at least the more progressively-minded folks of our nation will no longer have to hang our heads in shame when speaking of our country's leadership.
Last year I set some goals for myself and, to be honest, didn't follow through on all of them. I am most disappointed that I didn't listen to my body enough and I am dealing with an injury yet again. I am starting off this year with some fitness goals in mind and I am not going to fall short this time. I am kick starting my year with a 7-day detox created by my good friend and holistic nutritionist, Jackie McCaffrey. This is not a starvation diet, or a juice cleanse. It is an all around reset for my mind and body. By cleansing my body of harmful toxins, and settling into some mindful habits, especially sleep habits, I am hoping to get rid of a few extra pounds from my body and a little extra weight off my shoulders. Her nighttime suggestions include getting a full 7-8 hours of sleep and turning off the electronics a full hour before bed. To help the mind relax she suggested unwinding with some meditative colouring and breathing. A full hour seems like a big commitment since I am planning on getting up at 5:00 a.m. most days to hit the gym before work. I'm going to try for a half hour!
There's that 5:00 a.m. wake up call thing. I have to make some changes in my workout routine or I am going to keep injuring myself. As I get older, these injuries are causing me more issues for a longer time. By taking a more holistic approach to fitness, I hope to nip this in the bud. So, early morning cardio and light weight-training are going to be my goal. It's going to be hard, but I can do hard! I'm also getting more into stretching and pilates and hopefully within six weeks of the new year, I want to be back in the air! I have a goal, I have to work to meet it. Good things aren't known to come easily!
I tried to put myself out there in 2015. It sometimes went really well. It sometimes didn't. The first half of the year was pretty quiet, but then things really got rolling in June. I performed in my first AerTime, which was a pretty big deal! Aertime is a showcase where professional circus performers present "works in progress" and then receive feedback from the audience. I had a blast, but was nervous as hell performing alongside some of my mentors! Then, I performed with my girl, Jackie McCaffrey in front of an audience for Lonny's Smile, a children's charity. What an honour! Finally, there was Glaciology. This was by far the most outside my comfort zone I've been while performing. In this contemporary dance piece, a large group of artists rolled over each other and through the streets of Toronto throughout the 12-hour long Nuit Blanche festival. I am not one for being touchy-feely, so this was challenging. I made it though and now I can hug just about anyone!
I didn't fare so well with my Chatelaine interview. I tried to be honest and put it on the line, but the editors didn't deem my input appropriate for their magazine. It was a disappointment and embarrassing at the time. It hasn't stopped me from participating in other interviews since then though. Recently, I interviewed with a woman who is making a documentary about Glaciology and I can't wait to see how that goes. You see, despite a few hiccups, I have found that hanging it all out has many benefits! I can't wait to see how I can show off what I've got this year!
I certainly have a tonne of other relationship and career goals. I want to teach more aerial and I am lining up some good opportunities to learn and then do so. I want to spend more time with friends that I haven't been spending enough time with lately. I want to find a way to work within my chosen profession in a more positive way. I don't need to love my job, but it needs to be tolerable and latter half of 2015 especially has not been tolerable. I may achieve more happiness in my day job through my therapy sessions, or I may achieve it by leaving one situation for another. The solution is yet to be seen. Some days I wish I had a crystal ball! Then again, where would the fun be in that?
A new year brings new opportunities and 2016 has all the promise of the newborn baby that it is! Let's do our best to raise 2016 to be a positive contributor to the world. Let's be good parents and make sure that 2016 is raised the right way! Is this the cheesiest metaphor you've heard this year? Or is it an analogy? I don't know, but it's full-on cheez and I love it!
Cheers, Jackie
As it turns out, 2015 was a tumultuous year, not just for me, but for people around me and the world as a whole. When I say it was tumultuous, I don't mean to say it was all bad. Sometimes an upset in the status quo is a good thing. I can't help but think about the federal election held here in Canada. Talk about tumultuous! One day, Stephen Harper is running the country like some maniacal dictator and the next, he's giving up the leadership of the Progressive Conservative party that he burned to the ground. From those ashes arose a new, young and vibrant leader. Justin Trudeau's leadership is still in it's early days. He has much to contend with - a struggling economy, a world held hostage by madmen and terrorists, an environment that is screaming for rescue - but I have hope that fresh ideas and a modern approach to these issues can make an impact here and around the world. The coming year will certainly test the resolve of this new government, but at least the more progressively-minded folks of our nation will no longer have to hang our heads in shame when speaking of our country's leadership.
 |
| Voting is cool! We learned that this year. |
Mind and Body
Last year I set some goals for myself and, to be honest, didn't follow through on all of them. I am most disappointed that I didn't listen to my body enough and I am dealing with an injury yet again. I am starting off this year with some fitness goals in mind and I am not going to fall short this time. I am kick starting my year with a 7-day detox created by my good friend and holistic nutritionist, Jackie McCaffrey. This is not a starvation diet, or a juice cleanse. It is an all around reset for my mind and body. By cleansing my body of harmful toxins, and settling into some mindful habits, especially sleep habits, I am hoping to get rid of a few extra pounds from my body and a little extra weight off my shoulders. Her nighttime suggestions include getting a full 7-8 hours of sleep and turning off the electronics a full hour before bed. To help the mind relax she suggested unwinding with some meditative colouring and breathing. A full hour seems like a big commitment since I am planning on getting up at 5:00 a.m. most days to hit the gym before work. I'm going to try for a half hour!
There's that 5:00 a.m. wake up call thing. I have to make some changes in my workout routine or I am going to keep injuring myself. As I get older, these injuries are causing me more issues for a longer time. By taking a more holistic approach to fitness, I hope to nip this in the bud. So, early morning cardio and light weight-training are going to be my goal. It's going to be hard, but I can do hard! I'm also getting more into stretching and pilates and hopefully within six weeks of the new year, I want to be back in the air! I have a goal, I have to work to meet it. Good things aren't known to come easily!
Get Out of That Comfort Zone!
 |
| Aertime - June 6, 2015 |
 |
| Glaciology - October 3, 2015 |
I didn't fare so well with my Chatelaine interview. I tried to be honest and put it on the line, but the editors didn't deem my input appropriate for their magazine. It was a disappointment and embarrassing at the time. It hasn't stopped me from participating in other interviews since then though. Recently, I interviewed with a woman who is making a documentary about Glaciology and I can't wait to see how that goes. You see, despite a few hiccups, I have found that hanging it all out has many benefits! I can't wait to see how I can show off what I've got this year!
I certainly have a tonne of other relationship and career goals. I want to teach more aerial and I am lining up some good opportunities to learn and then do so. I want to spend more time with friends that I haven't been spending enough time with lately. I want to find a way to work within my chosen profession in a more positive way. I don't need to love my job, but it needs to be tolerable and latter half of 2015 especially has not been tolerable. I may achieve more happiness in my day job through my therapy sessions, or I may achieve it by leaving one situation for another. The solution is yet to be seen. Some days I wish I had a crystal ball! Then again, where would the fun be in that?
A new year brings new opportunities and 2016 has all the promise of the newborn baby that it is! Let's do our best to raise 2016 to be a positive contributor to the world. Let's be good parents and make sure that 2016 is raised the right way! Is this the cheesiest metaphor you've heard this year? Or is it an analogy? I don't know, but it's full-on cheez and I love it!
Cheers, Jackie
Sunday, 13 December 2015
"This is 40ish"... Right?!
About a month ago, I was invited to participate in an interview for Chatelaine magazine. This was an open call that I responded to from a Facebook post. The first 45 respondents were invited to the Chatelaine office to participate in a photoshoot and video interview.
The woman who responded to my email told me to come in an outfit that made me feel great and that they would provide interview questions on the day of the interview. I chose a simple outfit ~ jeans and black tank and blazer. I put on some cute accessories and did my make-up just so, accentuating a bold, red lip. I had just had my hair done. I felt confident. I felt gorgeous. I felt excited to be a part of the process!
The photoshoot went really well. The photographer was upbeat. The setting was easy. I laughed and had a lot of fun! Admittedly, I was a bit nervous for the video interview. They would not tell us the questions that we were to be asked. It was to be candid. As the questions were posed to me, I felt that I answered honestly. I did my best to articulate myself and my feelings clearly, and although I wasn't exactly happy with some of my responses, they were honest.
I would like to take you through my responses to these questions, and add a bit more now that I've had time to reflect on them more thoroughly.
1. What makes you unique?
This was a surprisingly difficult question to answer. I don't necessarily consider myself all that unique, but at the same time I feel that we are all unique! I said something about how I chose to spend my free time. I discussed my pursuit of circus and aerial work as the focus here. To my particular group of friends this isn't necessarily a unique hobby, but to many others it definitely would be different! To add to this response, I would like to also say that I take a youthful approach to everything I do! I am not ashamed to say that I love heavy metal music. I go to at least one concert a month. I embrace a youthful appearance in my clothing, hair and accessories. I don't believe that fashion has an age limit. When other adults are sitting having coffee after dinner and talking about their mortgages, I'm outside running and playing with the kids. I make believe and connect with them and that is why I'm the favourite aunt! I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a true kid at heart. That is a big part of what makes me unique!
2. Would you rather have the breasts of your 20s or the freedom of your 20s?
What a dumb question! I said the freedom and I stand by that statement. I am more than just my tits! When I was in my twenties, I traveled to Australia TWICE! In fact, I traveled whenever I wanted because I had no responsibilities to a job with a set vacation schedule. I had a fun job. I worked at a record store and even though I bitched about it, it really was pretty sweet! I went to a revitalized Woodstock. I wasn't afraid to get into a mosh pit. Now I'm worry about how I would explain a black eye! I went to the bar and got to work with or without a hangover. I didn't worry about marking those assignments or writing those report cards. My customers at HMV didn't make me cry because I knew their insults/craziness wouldn't cost me my career. I hadn't learned to live an extravagant lifestyle because I didn't have the money to do so. Now, I wonder how I would live making that kind of money. Life was just easier and simpler! Plus, my boobs still look pretty good!
3. Do you consider yourself a feminist?
My response was a strong YES! I'm not too proud of where it went from there though. I linked my feminism to my choices not to get married or have children, but guess what? Some of the strongest feminists I know are married women with children. I wish I had have said this: I surround myself with strong women. They remind me daily of what it means to be a feminist. We are fiercely independent and we speak our minds. No one is going to tell us how we should live our lives! If we choose to have children, that is our choice. If we choose not to, that is also our choice. A feminist supports the choices of all women no matter what that choice might be, or who it might offend. A feminist supports her sisters and does not put down another woman because her choices aren't theirs. Of course, feminism is much more than these few simple statements, but this is a good start!
I did state the fact that I support teaching the younger generation about feminism. I hear some very sad statements come from the young girls I teach ~ statements about how some celebrity deserved to be beaten by her boyfriend; jokes about rape; talk of dieting in girls as young as 9 years old; children of the same age who are dying their hair and getting fake nails. They call each other whores, bitches and sluts. They ask me what's wrong with my boyfriend or with me because we're not married. They think there's something wrong with us because we don't have kids and live in an apartment. I've had parents question my choices and ask me not to talk about them with their daughters. I would question a teacher who wouldn't address these issues by talking about feminism!
At the same time, the administrator that hired me told me that one reason she did so was because I provided a refreshing alternative to the stereotypical teacher. It was important to her that young girls see that you can be successful and independent and strong with or without a husband. I thank her for her open mindedness!
4. Where are you in your career?
If you follow my posts regularly, you know that I have issues with my career and I voiced some of them in my response. I focused on explaining my frustration with the lack of choice in my profession. Many teachers fight for years to become permanently employed. I was lucky and was hired very quickly out of school. Since then, not much has changed. My job has become stagnant. I am a teacher. I can teach different grades. I can teach different subjects. I can try to move to different schools, although this is very difficult to achieve. If it suited me, I could upgrade my education to become an administrator, or try to become a consultant at the board office. Unlike my friends who work in the corporate world, there is no ladder to climb. Most of my moves are lateral. For an ambitious person, this can be frustrating.
5. Do you think you look good naked?
Again, my answer was a resounding YES! I look better now than I did in my younger years because I care about my body more now than I ever did. I am not a large person, but I am also not a stereotypically thin woman. I have meat on my bones. I have muscle that helps me haul my butt up those silks. I am proud of it. I've worked hard for it. I am the girl who is always walking around the house in some state of undress. Let them look, I say! I am not ashamed of my body. I accept it. I embrace it. It carries me through life. It is mine.
This is obviously not a natural way for a woman to feel though (*note my sarcasm*). Women are supposed to be ashamed of their bodies and according to the Chatelaine survey, most women are ashamed of their bodies. Even the most petite women interviewed said they felt this way. Unfortunately, this is the angle that Chatelaine chose to pursue. They chose not to break the stereotype.
The Aftermath
A few weeks after the interview took place, I was emailed by one of the editors with a link to the online version of the article and a beautiful picture provided to me by the photographer. I was excited and immediately posted the picture to Facebook pronouncing my participation and provided a link to the article. I noticed I wasn't featured in the interview portions very much, but I thought I might show up in the print version more prominently. To my embarrassment, I have been completely cut from the print version. I feel that the article does not feature a balanced look at the state of women at all. I suppose that I don't "fit" in with what Chatelaine's typical reader might identify with and that is why I am not in the article. I do feel that it was a missed opportunity for Chatelaine to update their very conservative image (e.g., a magazine all about how to be a good homemaker).
Being the feminist that I am, I have written to the editor that contacted me voicing my upset with the article and the lack of balance in it. I did so unapologetically. Women spend too much of their energy apologizing for their feelings. I am uncertain of their response, but I feel justified in my statements. If you'd like to read the online article it can be found here.
If you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read through this long post. I had a good deal to say today and it's been a while since I have had a chance to write anything. It feels good. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! Next up, New Year's Resolutions... Where did the year go?!
Cheers, Jackie
The woman who responded to my email told me to come in an outfit that made me feel great and that they would provide interview questions on the day of the interview. I chose a simple outfit ~ jeans and black tank and blazer. I put on some cute accessories and did my make-up just so, accentuating a bold, red lip. I had just had my hair done. I felt confident. I felt gorgeous. I felt excited to be a part of the process!
The photoshoot went really well. The photographer was upbeat. The setting was easy. I laughed and had a lot of fun! Admittedly, I was a bit nervous for the video interview. They would not tell us the questions that we were to be asked. It was to be candid. As the questions were posed to me, I felt that I answered honestly. I did my best to articulate myself and my feelings clearly, and although I wasn't exactly happy with some of my responses, they were honest.
I would like to take you through my responses to these questions, and add a bit more now that I've had time to reflect on them more thoroughly.
1. What makes you unique?
This was a surprisingly difficult question to answer. I don't necessarily consider myself all that unique, but at the same time I feel that we are all unique! I said something about how I chose to spend my free time. I discussed my pursuit of circus and aerial work as the focus here. To my particular group of friends this isn't necessarily a unique hobby, but to many others it definitely would be different! To add to this response, I would like to also say that I take a youthful approach to everything I do! I am not ashamed to say that I love heavy metal music. I go to at least one concert a month. I embrace a youthful appearance in my clothing, hair and accessories. I don't believe that fashion has an age limit. When other adults are sitting having coffee after dinner and talking about their mortgages, I'm outside running and playing with the kids. I make believe and connect with them and that is why I'm the favourite aunt! I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a true kid at heart. That is a big part of what makes me unique!
2. Would you rather have the breasts of your 20s or the freedom of your 20s?
What a dumb question! I said the freedom and I stand by that statement. I am more than just my tits! When I was in my twenties, I traveled to Australia TWICE! In fact, I traveled whenever I wanted because I had no responsibilities to a job with a set vacation schedule. I had a fun job. I worked at a record store and even though I bitched about it, it really was pretty sweet! I went to a revitalized Woodstock. I wasn't afraid to get into a mosh pit. Now I'm worry about how I would explain a black eye! I went to the bar and got to work with or without a hangover. I didn't worry about marking those assignments or writing those report cards. My customers at HMV didn't make me cry because I knew their insults/craziness wouldn't cost me my career. I hadn't learned to live an extravagant lifestyle because I didn't have the money to do so. Now, I wonder how I would live making that kind of money. Life was just easier and simpler! Plus, my boobs still look pretty good!
3. Do you consider yourself a feminist?
My response was a strong YES! I'm not too proud of where it went from there though. I linked my feminism to my choices not to get married or have children, but guess what? Some of the strongest feminists I know are married women with children. I wish I had have said this: I surround myself with strong women. They remind me daily of what it means to be a feminist. We are fiercely independent and we speak our minds. No one is going to tell us how we should live our lives! If we choose to have children, that is our choice. If we choose not to, that is also our choice. A feminist supports the choices of all women no matter what that choice might be, or who it might offend. A feminist supports her sisters and does not put down another woman because her choices aren't theirs. Of course, feminism is much more than these few simple statements, but this is a good start!
I did state the fact that I support teaching the younger generation about feminism. I hear some very sad statements come from the young girls I teach ~ statements about how some celebrity deserved to be beaten by her boyfriend; jokes about rape; talk of dieting in girls as young as 9 years old; children of the same age who are dying their hair and getting fake nails. They call each other whores, bitches and sluts. They ask me what's wrong with my boyfriend or with me because we're not married. They think there's something wrong with us because we don't have kids and live in an apartment. I've had parents question my choices and ask me not to talk about them with their daughters. I would question a teacher who wouldn't address these issues by talking about feminism!
At the same time, the administrator that hired me told me that one reason she did so was because I provided a refreshing alternative to the stereotypical teacher. It was important to her that young girls see that you can be successful and independent and strong with or without a husband. I thank her for her open mindedness!
4. Where are you in your career?
If you follow my posts regularly, you know that I have issues with my career and I voiced some of them in my response. I focused on explaining my frustration with the lack of choice in my profession. Many teachers fight for years to become permanently employed. I was lucky and was hired very quickly out of school. Since then, not much has changed. My job has become stagnant. I am a teacher. I can teach different grades. I can teach different subjects. I can try to move to different schools, although this is very difficult to achieve. If it suited me, I could upgrade my education to become an administrator, or try to become a consultant at the board office. Unlike my friends who work in the corporate world, there is no ladder to climb. Most of my moves are lateral. For an ambitious person, this can be frustrating.
5. Do you think you look good naked?
Again, my answer was a resounding YES! I look better now than I did in my younger years because I care about my body more now than I ever did. I am not a large person, but I am also not a stereotypically thin woman. I have meat on my bones. I have muscle that helps me haul my butt up those silks. I am proud of it. I've worked hard for it. I am the girl who is always walking around the house in some state of undress. Let them look, I say! I am not ashamed of my body. I accept it. I embrace it. It carries me through life. It is mine.
This is obviously not a natural way for a woman to feel though (*note my sarcasm*). Women are supposed to be ashamed of their bodies and according to the Chatelaine survey, most women are ashamed of their bodies. Even the most petite women interviewed said they felt this way. Unfortunately, this is the angle that Chatelaine chose to pursue. They chose not to break the stereotype.
The Aftermath
A few weeks after the interview took place, I was emailed by one of the editors with a link to the online version of the article and a beautiful picture provided to me by the photographer. I was excited and immediately posted the picture to Facebook pronouncing my participation and provided a link to the article. I noticed I wasn't featured in the interview portions very much, but I thought I might show up in the print version more prominently. To my embarrassment, I have been completely cut from the print version. I feel that the article does not feature a balanced look at the state of women at all. I suppose that I don't "fit" in with what Chatelaine's typical reader might identify with and that is why I am not in the article. I do feel that it was a missed opportunity for Chatelaine to update their very conservative image (e.g., a magazine all about how to be a good homemaker).
 |
| Photo Credit: Jeff Carlson Photography |
If you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read through this long post. I had a good deal to say today and it's been a while since I have had a chance to write anything. It feels good. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! Next up, New Year's Resolutions... Where did the year go?!
Cheers, Jackie
Monday, 9 November 2015
What Was Old is New Again
I have to say that as much as I'm trying to keep my chin up and march along, it isn't easy and I struggle daily. That being said, this is not a new feeling. I was going through some old things and found some poems I wrote a long time ago. These poems are ringing true to me today. Is that sad? I don't know. I thought I'd share though...
I sit and think of what's to come
The things I see make me want to run
The problems I face keep tumbling down
Under them I'm sure to drown
They march upon me like soldiers to war
Faceless things I fear more and more
No heart for what they're doing to me
All I want is to be set free
I'm empty now except for these thoughts
They're terrible things I cannot stop
I'm sure there's no help to break loose
I'm slowly suffocating in their noose
I wish to escape to my own safe place
Where finally they will end their chase
But this place I cannot find
So all these thoughts still torment my mind
I called this one "Tormentor" and it is ringing true now because I'm learning that I am own worst tormentor. My therapist used the analogy of the wicked stepmother and young girl that we all know of from Disney movies. I am my own wicked stepmother, constantly criticizing and judging my actions, tormenting myself. I'm never quite good enough. Even the fact that I am upset about these things bothers me because I know there is a world full of people that are dealing with incomparable hardships ~ war, poverty, sickness, pain, oppression and more ~ with a positive attitude.
I wrote "Tormentor" 1996. I was a baby, only 16 or 17 years old. I didn't care about the hardships others faced like I do now. Like many teenagers, I was self-centred and egotistical. I filled a whole book full of poems that display this attitude over and over again. My sad teenage soul had so much to say and it was all dark and dreary. However, one more line stood out to me in a poem I wrote, also in 1996, that I called "Friends":
I am just a stranger in a world full of friends.
They know who I be, but do they know who I am?
Considering the world of social media and accumulating as many online "friends" as you can, I feel like I was way ahead of my time with this line. Additionally, I know that many of us that struggle with anxiety, depression and other mental health issues are often really good at putting on a "happy" face. I've spoken to many people, those I know well and those who are more casual acquaintances, about my feelings and they often say that they never would have guessed I was struggling or felt the way I do. Of course they don't, because we are constantly being forced to embrace this idea of positive mindset, like the idea of thinking happy thoughts and reflecting on what is positive is enough to cure you of your depression. It's not. I've tried. At best, it masks what is truly in your heart.
I will continue to work on myself and work on maintaining my positivity. I need to do this because I have people in my life who care for me and for whom I care for as well. But, I don't want to hide who I am or silence how I am feeling. That's not fair to me or to the many others out there who may be feeling the same way. I will have a voice in this world, even if it is a sad voice sometimes.
Jackie
I sit and think of what's to come
 |
| original script |
The problems I face keep tumbling down
Under them I'm sure to drown
They march upon me like soldiers to war
Faceless things I fear more and more
No heart for what they're doing to me
All I want is to be set free
I'm empty now except for these thoughts
They're terrible things I cannot stop
I'm sure there's no help to break loose
I'm slowly suffocating in their noose
I wish to escape to my own safe place
Where finally they will end their chase
But this place I cannot find
So all these thoughts still torment my mind
I called this one "Tormentor" and it is ringing true now because I'm learning that I am own worst tormentor. My therapist used the analogy of the wicked stepmother and young girl that we all know of from Disney movies. I am my own wicked stepmother, constantly criticizing and judging my actions, tormenting myself. I'm never quite good enough. Even the fact that I am upset about these things bothers me because I know there is a world full of people that are dealing with incomparable hardships ~ war, poverty, sickness, pain, oppression and more ~ with a positive attitude.
I wrote "Tormentor" 1996. I was a baby, only 16 or 17 years old. I didn't care about the hardships others faced like I do now. Like many teenagers, I was self-centred and egotistical. I filled a whole book full of poems that display this attitude over and over again. My sad teenage soul had so much to say and it was all dark and dreary. However, one more line stood out to me in a poem I wrote, also in 1996, that I called "Friends":
I am just a stranger in a world full of friends.
They know who I be, but do they know who I am?
Considering the world of social media and accumulating as many online "friends" as you can, I feel like I was way ahead of my time with this line. Additionally, I know that many of us that struggle with anxiety, depression and other mental health issues are often really good at putting on a "happy" face. I've spoken to many people, those I know well and those who are more casual acquaintances, about my feelings and they often say that they never would have guessed I was struggling or felt the way I do. Of course they don't, because we are constantly being forced to embrace this idea of positive mindset, like the idea of thinking happy thoughts and reflecting on what is positive is enough to cure you of your depression. It's not. I've tried. At best, it masks what is truly in your heart.
But if you sing along,
A little fucking louder
To a happy song
You'll be just fine...
To a happy song
You'll be just fine...
Bring Me the Horizon, "Happy Song"
I will continue to work on myself and work on maintaining my positivity. I need to do this because I have people in my life who care for me and for whom I care for as well. But, I don't want to hide who I am or silence how I am feeling. That's not fair to me or to the many others out there who may be feeling the same way. I will have a voice in this world, even if it is a sad voice sometimes.
Jackie
Saturday, 10 October 2015
Highs and Lows of Learning
This past month has been a crazy blur of workshops, rehearsals, performance and of course work! There is so much to reflect on ~ both high points and low points in the process. The learning curve is steep when you are trying to challenge yourself to be a better you. There are stumbles along the way, but every mistake is an opportunity to learn and change and grow. I hope that is what I've been doing along the way.
Two weekends ago, I spent a Saturday and Sunday participating in workshops as part of the Contemporary Circus Arts Festival of Toronto (CCAFT). This year had a different feeling for me than last year. Unfortunately, I went into this weekend with a negative mindset and I really let it run the show. I went into the day with my injury on my mind and used it as a crutch. I told people about it and used it as an excuse as to why I might not be able to perform on par with other participants. I complained and I whined and after, I was embarrassed by my actions.
My fear of being judged and my fear of being a failure really set the tone for my participation, especially in the silks workshop I took. I wanted everyone to know that I was not an impostor and I should be there. I practically begged people to understand that I was just injured. In reality, the only people that needed to know were me and the instructor. Everyone else was focused on their own practice. They weren't pointing fingers at me and whispering to friends. These thoughts were all in my head. They were my problem. I am happy that I can reflect back and that I know that now. I wish I had have known it then. I could have gotten much more out of the day.
The following week began with rehearsals for the Nuit Blanche performance of Glaciology. I had signed up for this project knowing that it would be challenging for me. I have been working on my touch aversion for quite some time and while it is improving greatly and I do enjoy a hug from friends now, I still do not like to be touched by strangers. The idea of being a part of a 50-person human glacier rolling through the streets of Toronto really challenged this part of me. I REALLY wanted to be a part of Glaciology though because without challenge, there is no growth. I want to grow. I want to become a better me. So I rolled on.
Day one was emotional. I had a hard time getting into the mix and found myself on the periphery of the glacier most of the time. Even then, I had to remove myself from the group to collect myself. On more than one occasion I questioned whether or not I could be a part of this project. But, I didn't want this to be a repeat of CCAFT, so I continued with rehearsals and the final performance and I was so proud of myself. I spent the better part of 8 hours in that group. I was able to coil and connect with my fellow performers. I was able to take on their weight and allow myself to body surf the group too. I felt safe and secure and warm within the group, even though it was a damp and cold October evening and we were rolling on concrete and through puddles. The next day I was tired and I was sore, but I had accomplished something that I didn't think I would be able to do. I don't know how I could ever worry about touching a stranger again! Hugs for everyone!!
If I had remembered last year, I would have realized that post-performance lows are the norm. My most seasoned performer friends have told me that they still feel that low after a big performance. I should have expected this past week to be difficult. I didn't, but it was. The students in my class were difficult. My mood was low. There were racial discussions that went against my own personal beliefs. They bothered me and other students I teach. I told parents. They were unresponsive. I got lower. There was bullying. I tried to deal with it. The students' refusal to take responsibility for their actions and there outright lies were upsetting. More parental indifference.
What am I to do? I am feeling helpless. I am feeling useless. I want to help this group of students to grow and to learn. Some of them are going off to high school next year. They seem to fight me though. They seem to be happy to stare at their phones and resist my attempts to engage them in their education. In the end, I need to ensure that I continue to do my job to the best of my abilities and it's like the old saying goes: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." If I continue to allow the actions of others, even the action of my students and their parents, chip away at my own well-being, I am the one who is going to suffer in the end. My goal for now is to work on ways to improve my own resilience so that I can deal with these frustrating work situations in a healthier way. My new outlook is to hope that I can plant a seed in even one student's head and one day that seed will grow into something beautiful.
This is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and despite the lows that I experience, I know that I have much to be grateful for in my life. I was reminded of this yesterday in an unexpected place, the Puralator Courier Pick Up Centre. There, I meet a lovely woman. She was joyous, for lack of a better word. During our discussion she told me about her son. He had Down Syndrome and had died 5 years ago while battling cancer. Despite her loss, she said she was grateful for the time she had with him and was content that he was at rest now and he didn't suffer any longer. If she can find gratitude in this situation, then I know that I can work through my own lows to become a stronger, better me. We ended our conversation in that Puralator Office with a hug.
Happy Thanksgiving All,
Jackie
Two weekends ago, I spent a Saturday and Sunday participating in workshops as part of the Contemporary Circus Arts Festival of Toronto (CCAFT). This year had a different feeling for me than last year. Unfortunately, I went into this weekend with a negative mindset and I really let it run the show. I went into the day with my injury on my mind and used it as a crutch. I told people about it and used it as an excuse as to why I might not be able to perform on par with other participants. I complained and I whined and after, I was embarrassed by my actions.
My fear of being judged and my fear of being a failure really set the tone for my participation, especially in the silks workshop I took. I wanted everyone to know that I was not an impostor and I should be there. I practically begged people to understand that I was just injured. In reality, the only people that needed to know were me and the instructor. Everyone else was focused on their own practice. They weren't pointing fingers at me and whispering to friends. These thoughts were all in my head. They were my problem. I am happy that I can reflect back and that I know that now. I wish I had have known it then. I could have gotten much more out of the day.
The following week began with rehearsals for the Nuit Blanche performance of Glaciology. I had signed up for this project knowing that it would be challenging for me. I have been working on my touch aversion for quite some time and while it is improving greatly and I do enjoy a hug from friends now, I still do not like to be touched by strangers. The idea of being a part of a 50-person human glacier rolling through the streets of Toronto really challenged this part of me. I REALLY wanted to be a part of Glaciology though because without challenge, there is no growth. I want to grow. I want to become a better me. So I rolled on.
Day one was emotional. I had a hard time getting into the mix and found myself on the periphery of the glacier most of the time. Even then, I had to remove myself from the group to collect myself. On more than one occasion I questioned whether or not I could be a part of this project. But, I didn't want this to be a repeat of CCAFT, so I continued with rehearsals and the final performance and I was so proud of myself. I spent the better part of 8 hours in that group. I was able to coil and connect with my fellow performers. I was able to take on their weight and allow myself to body surf the group too. I felt safe and secure and warm within the group, even though it was a damp and cold October evening and we were rolling on concrete and through puddles. The next day I was tired and I was sore, but I had accomplished something that I didn't think I would be able to do. I don't know how I could ever worry about touching a stranger again! Hugs for everyone!!
If I had remembered last year, I would have realized that post-performance lows are the norm. My most seasoned performer friends have told me that they still feel that low after a big performance. I should have expected this past week to be difficult. I didn't, but it was. The students in my class were difficult. My mood was low. There were racial discussions that went against my own personal beliefs. They bothered me and other students I teach. I told parents. They were unresponsive. I got lower. There was bullying. I tried to deal with it. The students' refusal to take responsibility for their actions and there outright lies were upsetting. More parental indifference.
What am I to do? I am feeling helpless. I am feeling useless. I want to help this group of students to grow and to learn. Some of them are going off to high school next year. They seem to fight me though. They seem to be happy to stare at their phones and resist my attempts to engage them in their education. In the end, I need to ensure that I continue to do my job to the best of my abilities and it's like the old saying goes: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." If I continue to allow the actions of others, even the action of my students and their parents, chip away at my own well-being, I am the one who is going to suffer in the end. My goal for now is to work on ways to improve my own resilience so that I can deal with these frustrating work situations in a healthier way. My new outlook is to hope that I can plant a seed in even one student's head and one day that seed will grow into something beautiful.
This is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and despite the lows that I experience, I know that I have much to be grateful for in my life. I was reminded of this yesterday in an unexpected place, the Puralator Courier Pick Up Centre. There, I meet a lovely woman. She was joyous, for lack of a better word. During our discussion she told me about her son. He had Down Syndrome and had died 5 years ago while battling cancer. Despite her loss, she said she was grateful for the time she had with him and was content that he was at rest now and he didn't suffer any longer. If she can find gratitude in this situation, then I know that I can work through my own lows to become a stronger, better me. We ended our conversation in that Puralator Office with a hug.
("The Inbetween" by Beartooth. This song is a bit of how I feel ~ highs, lows and not getting lost in the inbetween.)
Happy Thanksgiving All,
Jackie
Tuesday, 8 September 2015
Back to School
The first day of school is over for another year. There was no need for me to toss and turn last night. There was no need to fret about the alarm going off this morning. There was no last-minute task that I had forgotten. I didn't even have to pick out an outfit because we all wore our staff shirts today. The day that I had eagerly anticipated and often dreaded came and went with very little fanfare.
This doesn't mean that there wasn't drama, but I am getting used to drama. Drama can be dealt with. Drama can be settled. I am thankful that the tussle that played out on the basketball court was just two boys posturing and a quick call home to parents dealt with it. I am thankful none of my students were stabbed and they all went home safely at the end of the day. Not everyone was so lucky today.
Am I overjoyed that some of my new students seem less than pleased with their placement? No, I am not. Do I understand that this is a normal reaction and change is difficult for some kids? Yes, I do. I know that coming back from a long vacation is mentally and emotionally exhausting. There are the kids you don't like. There are the kids that don't like you. There might be a bully. Math is hard. Art isn't your thing. The teacher hates you.
Even friends can be demanding if you haven't seen them in a while. Everyone is going to ask you how your summer went and sometimes summer didn't go so great. And, even if it did go fantastically, telling the same anecdotes over and over again can be a drag. I get it. I really do.
Tomorrow will get a little easier though. We'll all get to know each other a little better. The split won't seem so dire. Friends will still be there at recess and after school. The days will march on and before we know it, the calendar will change and it will be Thanksgiving, and then Christmas (Winter) Break, the New Year and so on. Time marches on and we might as well enjoy it and make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves in on this, the first day of school.
You might think I sound melancholy. You might ask yourself, is she happy? I am, but I am also exhausted and will be exhausted from now until next summer. It was hot today - sticky, cloudy, humid and HOT! Since the sun refused to come out and shine for us today (and I couldn't go to the beach), I brought a little of that warmth into the classroom myself.
Cheers to a new year,
Jackie
This doesn't mean that there wasn't drama, but I am getting used to drama. Drama can be dealt with. Drama can be settled. I am thankful that the tussle that played out on the basketball court was just two boys posturing and a quick call home to parents dealt with it. I am thankful none of my students were stabbed and they all went home safely at the end of the day. Not everyone was so lucky today.
Am I overjoyed that some of my new students seem less than pleased with their placement? No, I am not. Do I understand that this is a normal reaction and change is difficult for some kids? Yes, I do. I know that coming back from a long vacation is mentally and emotionally exhausting. There are the kids you don't like. There are the kids that don't like you. There might be a bully. Math is hard. Art isn't your thing. The teacher hates you.
Even friends can be demanding if you haven't seen them in a while. Everyone is going to ask you how your summer went and sometimes summer didn't go so great. And, even if it did go fantastically, telling the same anecdotes over and over again can be a drag. I get it. I really do.
Tomorrow will get a little easier though. We'll all get to know each other a little better. The split won't seem so dire. Friends will still be there at recess and after school. The days will march on and before we know it, the calendar will change and it will be Thanksgiving, and then Christmas (Winter) Break, the New Year and so on. Time marches on and we might as well enjoy it and make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves in on this, the first day of school.
You might think I sound melancholy. You might ask yourself, is she happy? I am, but I am also exhausted and will be exhausted from now until next summer. It was hot today - sticky, cloudy, humid and HOT! Since the sun refused to come out and shine for us today (and I couldn't go to the beach), I brought a little of that warmth into the classroom myself.
Cheers to a new year,
Jackie
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