Object Manipulation II: I Dropped the Ball!

Juggling. I can juggle responsibilities. I can juggle tasks. I can juggle a room full of kids asking me questions at the same time. What I can't do is juggle. It's hard!

On Tuesday afternoon, I had the opportunity to learn juggling from none other than Greg Tarlin. You may remember him from the blog post I wrote for Circus Sessions a while back. He's kind of a good juggler. Sort of amazing actually. And, I imagine he's a great teacher, but I am not a stellar student! Nope. No indeed.

For the past few Tuesday afternoons, I've been working with a group teaching them beginner aerial silks through the Talk to Youth Lately programme provided by Look Up Theatre's head mistress, Angola Murdoch. It's been an amazing experience on so many levels. I am so happy to working with the group and to finally be able to teach a bit of aerial. It's kinda been a dream of mine! Also, because it is a social circus group, I've been learning so much about dealing with mental illness and the struggles that the people in the group face on a daily basis. It's really very humbling to be a part of this and to learn from them as well.

This Tuesday was different though. Greg was there and Angola asked me if I'd like to learn how to juggle. Of course I said "yes!" and so it began. I was the only participant who had never ever juggled before. Some had only tried juggling a few times though, and it seemed like they had caught on, so I was confident I could too!

Don't get me wrong, Greg's instruction was clear and great and seemed to make perfect sense. We started with two balls, which aren't actually balls. They're like densely packed bean bags really. Greg's advice:

1. Hold your arms by your side and make a 90 degree angle at your elbows. Relax your shoulders (I think that's a thing, but mine can't/won't relax - Yikes!) and hold the balls in either hand.
2. Picture a square in front of you. Mark an imaginary X through the square. Easy enough!
3. Toss the balls to the opposite corner - so the ball in my left hand (which is my dominant hand for some reason when I play "sports" like golf, baseball and now juggling) is tossed to the top right corner.
4. When the first ball reaches the top of its arch, toss the second ball in to the opposite corner. Ideally, you catch both balls.

Doesn't that sound easy! It's only two balls! Honestly, I was tossing those balls all over the place. Too low, too high, too far in front, too far behind. And, I was catching very few. A third ball. Out of the question!

I thought I'd read somewhere when I was researching for my blog post that most people could learn to juggle in about an hour?! LIARS! Everyone was awesomely supportive though. As they tossed 3, 4 or 5 balls through the air, they told me how well I was progressing. Angola saw me struggling and told me it took her weeks of intense learning and practicing to learn to juggle.

The perfectionist in me was struggling. Do I give up because I'm bad? Do I push on and try to improve? What to do?!

Greg told me to push like any good coach would! Add a third ball, he said. Try the drop technique. Hey, I was already good at dropping the ball, so why not give said technique a try. All I had to do was throw the balls up in the air in the correct pattern - left, right left - and let them drop. Ideally, two will drop in front of me on my right fairly close to each other and one on the left. That's a pattern I can handle. And, I did. His advice - don't get stuck with two balls. Go back and forth and try to progress.

Stellar advice. Don't get stuck! I'm so happy that I was able to meet Greg in person after interviewing him over the internet. I'm happy I was finally able to try juggling. I will try again too. Some day, I might even be able to juggle more than a busy schedule!

Cheers,

Jackie

Moonlighting for Circus Sessions

Hey all... Just a brief repost of a blog I wrote for the Circus Sessions happening at Harbourfront Centre May 11-17, 2015. Greg, my muse, was super-cool and has mad skills. Check him out and check out my blog!

Don't Drop the Ball: Object Manipulation

Chasing Rainbows

If you follow my writing, you might know that I began a new job this year full of optimism that a  change of location was going to make me happier in my career. I soon found that this was not the case. I went from hopeful to defeated in short order.

In my search for some answers to how I was feeling, I began to see a psychiatrist earlier this year. While I don't always agree with him and what he has to say, he has opened my eyes to a few of my own issues that need to be resolved. One of them is this need to remove what is making me unhappy by running away.

I am sad to say, that I am still running. I have spent the past two months applying for jobs around the board where I work. I have applied for approximately 15 different positions at different schools. My criteria has been fairly general in that I am looking for junior or intermediate positions that will put me closer to home and in a different region of the board from where I have been teaching for the past 7 years.

From all of my applications, I received one call back for an interview and I didn't get the position. I now feel even worse than I felt before. I am frustrated. I feel like I am not good enough and no one wants me.

To make matters worse, I feel like I am not "good enough" compared to my colleagues at my current school. It used to be that when the head honchos came to visit, my classroom would be part of the tour. I was doing great things. I was making a difference in the school. I was making a difference to students. I was making a difference with my colleagues. I was a mentor teacher for new hires. I presented at staff meetings. I led professional development activities. I was someone to "go to", and that made me feel good even when the rest of the job was stressing me out and making me crazy.

The new school of teaching is all about inquiry-based learning and there is definitely a group of colleagues where I work that have adopted this method whole-heartedly and they are passionate about sharing their philosophy. I haven't quite gotten there yet and I am not even sure if I want to get all-the-way there and because of this, I sure do feel left out of the "cool kids club" at work.

It kinda sucks and it makes me feel even more anxious about going to work and getting emails and attending staff meetings because I know (or I feel like) I am not adding up and I feel like I am not good enough. I've never felt this way at work in the past. Knowing myself, this is not going to be good. I do not do things I am not good at doing. I just don't. I am also questioning myself. Have I done enough? Have I tried hard enough to learn? Am I being narrow-minded?

I honestly don't know what I am going to do with myself. So many people in my life are being brave and making big changes. Jay is in school part-time trying to learn a new skills. My sister made the difficult choice to end her maternity leave early in order to take a new position that will have long-term benefits. My friend Jackie is working to complete school and take her life in a direction that fits her passions even though it means leaving a stable, good-paying career.  My friend Brie just earned an amazing new promotion that she has worked her buns off for and is well-deserved.

At the same time, I am reading about friends who are struggling. They are struggling with the choices they have made regarding relationships, careers, or children. So, I know I am not alone in the world, but I am certainly alone in the decisions I have to make for myself. Do I stay and fight another day for myself, or do I run and look for something else? What is that something else? Will that something else make me happy? How will I know unless I try?

I have some soul-searching to do. I am also trying to use exercise and supplements to help balance out the moods. I am back in the air regularly and training for some upcoming shows. I have started taking a B Complex supplement, which is supposed to be an excellent supplement to help elevate your mood. Yoga has become a part of my life again and I am thoroughly enjoying my practice.

I am going to end this post with some thoughts my Yin Yoga instructor, Julian, spoke of in a recent class. These are just some simple questions that I ask when I am feeling down.

What are you feeling that you want to feel more of?

What are you feeling that you want to feel less of?

Who are you?

Who do you want to be? 

 Life's a bitch. I get it. I just don't think it's supposed to be this way though. It should be ecstasy. It should be joyful. I should be all glitter, unicorns and rainbows, right? I guess you can't get a rainbow unless the Sun comes out after the storm. I'll just have to keep looking for that break in the clouds. C'mon Sun!

Cheers,
Jackie

It's Quite the Balancing Act!

Walking out of an appointment last night, I slipped and nearly fell down a flight of stairs. It wasn't bad and I wasn't hurt, but balance is obviously an issue for me at times!

I've been working very hard this year trying to be a more emotionally balanced person. I am focusing on being more open-minded, more positive, more affectionate and relaxed. I am trying to reduce the anger and hostility that I used to approach problems with and take on a more tempered resolution process. I think I have changed for the better and I know I still have a long way to go!

I also know that I should practise a work-life balance and eat a balanced diet. These are challenges that I have faced and that I am consistently working on in my day-to-day life.

That word, balance, crept into my consciousness again last night and not because I nearly fell down some stairs either! As an active, athletic person I consider myself to be fit and strong. I can do a pull-up. I can do a push-up. I bet I'd even take you in an arm wrestling contest! Despite all of this, I am still weak in certain areas and this weakness has caused me my fair share of issues.

I rely on my aerial work to meet my fitness goals, and in the past I have felt as though I have been meeting those goals and I have pretty much stopped participating in other forms of fitness. My days at the gym have slowly dwindled away. My 5k runs I was enjoying last summer dried up when the weather became colder. My yoga practise has been practically non-existent over the past several months. I have made excuses about time, money, and interest, but the reality is I could have and I should have been engaging my body in different ways.

After suffering another injury setback in the past few weeks, it has become very apparent that I need to balance my body and my training regimes. Thanks to a great discussion with my osteopath, Holly Treddenick of Blue Bird Osteopathy, I have found a probable culprit. My weak lower abdominals are causing my hip flexors to over-engage when I am training. When I train longer, more often or harder, they are basically constantly engaged, then become fatigued and finally, my back goes and I am stuck in bed with severe pain. Not fun!

Understanding the issue now, I have been able to create a balanced approach that should resolve my current problem and lessen the chances of another injury. I will be working towards this resolution in the following ways:

1. Yoga! I have recently begun practising Bikrim Yoga at the Bikram Yoga Studio in the Beaches, near my home. I have only participated in a few classes, but it is challenging and invigorating! The instructors are friendly and knowledgeable and I really look forward to getting the most out of my monthly pass! The goal I need to keep in mind is that this is an opportunity for me to stretch and release the tension in my very tight muscles so that they stop squashing the bones inside of me!

2. Aerial! Of course aerial. However, I am going to be very conscious of balancing out my training so that I am equally training my right (dominant) side and my left. This will correct the imbalances over-training my right has caused over the years.

3. Pilates! I was shocked when Holly suggested that my lower abdominals were weak. Shocked, I tell you! The proof is in the pudding though and I have had lower back issues for years now. I gotta do something about this. So, a few 30-minute sessions of pilates a week is just what I need. I am going to try and do this at home using a Youtube video series. I hear Popsugar is good. We'll see. Regardless, strengthening my core is just going to make everything better!

4. Strengthen my lower body! Squats, lunges and calf raises - Oh my! I have to do it though. I can't have a saggy butt and awesome arms. That's just weird!

Now, how am I going to balance all of this out on top of work and family and friends? Hopefully, like this gorgeous tight rope walker, I will handle these new challenges with grace, ease and of course, strength!

Tightrope Walker, 1890

Cheers, Jackie

Let's Be Awesome This Year!

This past month has been a blur as is often the case when the holiday season is upon us. Many nights I would tell myself to sit down and write something, but it just never happened. I am not going to beat myself up over it though. I was living life and not just writing about it!

Many people have been reminiscing, looking back and reflecting on 2014. Lists are big at this time of year. Here is my 2014 end-of-year list:

Most Memorable Moments

 (not necessarily in any particular order of importance!)

5. Moving On

This year I moved, literally. After living with many shortcomings and frustrations, we decided to move into a new apartment. Our new place is not perfect, but it is miles ahead of where we were. I also moved on to a new job. Not a new career, but a new job at a new school, teaching a new grade. While neither move has been perfect and I didn't necessarily find the changes I was looking for in these new situations, I am happy that I made the choice to try something new. Being stagnant, refusing to take risks and living with what makes you unhappy is not the way to live. If you don't try to change, you will never know what you are missing!

4. Jay and Jackie's Slipknot Date... Finally

If you know Jay and I, you know that we met in an interesting way. Back in 2001, I was desperate to find a driving buddy that would be willing to take on a 10-hour trek to Chicago to see The Pledge of Allegiance Tour with me. It seemed at the time that no one loved Slipknot, System of a Down, and Mudvayne quite as much as I did! Finally, a friend at work gave me a phone number and I called and spoke to Jay for the first time. He was hesitant to go. We didn't know each other and he was pretty broke at the time. I talked him into it though and we were ready to go when 9/11 went down. The concert was cancelled, but our relationship was not! Thirteen years later, we finally saw the 'Knot for the first time together. I was pretty epic and special and weird. I'm happy I am writing about it "Before I Forget"! Get it?!

November 20, 2014 - Slipknot at the ACC. It must be love!

3. The Injury

Ugh! Not all memorable moments can be good! This year I was grounded by a crappy injury that probably actually occurred in 2013. I wouldn't admit I was injured though, so nothing was really done about it until 2014. What did I learn from this injury? Well, I learned to listen to my body. If something hurts, like hurt-hurts, don't ignore it. It might not just "go way" and you can't always "play through the pain." I also learned not to give up. I was devastated when I couldn't train. I got depressed. I thought I was never going to bounce back. I did though. I had a lot of support. I started small. My amazing instructor modified conditioning for me. She watched what I was doing and made corrections so I wouldn't aggravate or cause new injury. I learned these tricks and I focus on form much more now than I ever did in the past. I helped a friend perform in her showcase. Then, I was ready to perform a short piece of my own. I came back! I am getting stronger. But, I am also aware now. So, what was bad, turned out to be a good thing!

2. Nuit Blanche and Cascade

This was my very first public performance. It was my very first paid gig. It was amazing! You've seen the pictures. I've gushed about how amazing it was, but did I mention it was one of the Top 5 Dance Shows of 2014 according to Now Magazine writer, Kathleen Smith? No? Well, it was! I won't bore you with all of the details again though. But, it was so inspirational! Since Cascade, I have applied for other opportunities to perform publicly. I've participated in events like CCAFT to learn and extend my knowledge and understanding of the world of circus. I will be writing a blog post for the upcoming Circus Sessions held at Habourfront Centre. I am hoping this is just the beginning for me and I will surely be expanding my circus repertoire in 2015!

Cascade at Nuit Blanche 2014 - That's me up there!

1. The Year of the Baby

So many beautiful babies came into my life this year! I have a new niece, born to Jay's brother and sister-in-law in September. Izzy is a beautiful and happy little girl. We had the chance to babysit the little angel in September and even though it wasn't always smooth, we had a great evening spending time with her and getting to know her better. Then, T got a new baby brother! Austin was born to my sister and brother-in-law in November. It's been interesting balancing visits with the family now. Teya is very active and loves to play with her Auntie and Uncle, but it's also fun to get in some snuggle time baby Austin. He is very smooshie and loves to curl into you and sleep and sleep. Being the first boy in the family, I have made a few diaper change errors that have resulted in people getting peed on! Whoops. I'll learn. Finally, Christmas Day brought the best gift of all to a friend and her partner - a new bundle of joy. I haven't met him yet, but I am really looking forward to snuggling this little guy too!

Baby Austin and Auntie Jackie

While I am not sure if motherhood is in the cards for me, I am always in awe of how a baby changes a family and brings so much joy and happiness to the lives that he or she touches.

Honourable Mention

Well, I started this blog this year. It's been pretty great! I love all of the feedback that I get from friends. I have learned that sharing my journey can help others. I have learned that it's not a bad thing to be vulnerable and ask for help. People are willing to help! Whether it's the messages I have received or the advice I have been given, I appreciate it all and look forward to another year of sharing with and learning from all of the amazing people in my life!

I also got to spend more time with my favourite niece! T and I are best of buddies. She loves playing circus with me and dancing crazy dances. She loves coming up and spending the weekend at our place. I love seeing her grow up! I love seeing her and Jay play together. I hope upon hope that our bond gets stronger as the years go on and I don't turn into her boring old aunt! 

And of course, it is time to make some New Year's Resolutions!

1. I resolve to be less materialistic. I am going to refrain from purchasing new clothes and instead get further into clothing recycling. I can sell/trade items that I am not using any more and buy from resale/consignment shops. I guess I will by my underwear new!

2. I resolve to eat vegetarian more often. I already do a pretty good job of this, but I would like to eat completely veggie at least 2 days a week.

3. Hug more! I am not a touchy-feely person, but I'd like to be, so I resolve to hug more people and do so more often! Spread the love :)

4.  I resolve to stretch more often and condition with more vigor! The two go hand-in-hand. If I condition more vigorously, then I need to stretch more often, right?! So, here's to a year of skin-the-cat, windshield wipers, leg lifts, pull-ups and happy, flexy muscles!

There's more - business ideas, relationship plans, spending time with friends, finding a better work-life balance. I know there's more, but I don't want to over-extend myself! So, I'll leave it at that for now.

Happy New Year everyone. I wish you all of the love, happiness, hope and glitter that a new year offers. Let's not waste it. Let's be awesome!

Cheers, Jackie

And We Wonder Why People Don't Get Mental Health Help Before It's Too Late...

On September 20, 2014, I contacted my doctor's office in need of help. I asked specifically if I could speak to my doctor about some mental health issues that I had been dealing with on my own for quite a while. I was feeling overwhelmed and I was feeling like I was drowning.

This was a big step for me. If you've followed my journey so far, you will know that I have not had the best of experiences with mental health professionals in the past. It seems as though this will not change for me unfortunately.

I was told by the woman arranging appointments that my doctor was on vacation and she wouldn't be able to see me until well after she returned because she needed to see her "urgent care" patients first. Blow number one in my pursuit of mental health.

On October 25, I finally made it into my doctor's office. She did all but laugh at me when I was pouring my heart out to her about my feelings of anxiety and depression. At one point, she actually looked at me and said, "Awwwww..." as though I was a child who had scuffed my knee. She continued on to say that at least I wasn't as bad as some of her patients who suffer from depression because at least I knew why I was depressed. Huh? Thanks for making me feel like an inadequate whiner. Blow number two and three.

She went on to print out some book suggestions that I should read to help me. You know, because I wasn't as bad off as her other patients suffering from depression. When I pressed her to speak with someone, a mental health professional, she hesitated before telling me that she hadn't had great luck with the social work team that works in their network. Then she changed her mind and told me that because I wasn't too badly off, I might have some success talking to them, unlike her other worse-off patients. Great. Way to instill confidence. Now I know that your sub par team can at least handle my measly issues. Blow number four.

It seems as though she was right though. I waited two weeks for a call from the social work department. Apparently, they conduct "intake interviews" over the phone with new patients. The call never came, so I called back. I was told I would get an email soon to arrange a time. It never came. I called a week later and finally they set up a time for me. It was difficult because they wanted to talk during the day before 4:00p.m. and I don't have a job that I can step away from to make or take a call. I was finally able to make an appointment for November 25. A full 2 months from the date I had first reached out, I was finally going to make contact with someone.

Do you want to guess what happened yesterday? No call ever came. What did I do? I called the office back today. They could not tell me why I wasn't called. They were kind enough to help me make another appointment though. It's on December 22. I am supposed to wait another month just to speak to someone on the phone. Blow number five and six.

I know that our medical system is overwhelmed with people looking for help and I know that the mental health system is in even worse shape. That being said, when people are brave enough to reach out for help, someone should be there to help them. They should not have their problems belittled. They should not be put on hold for months. They should not be brushed off completely. It's a disgusting and terrible thing to do to someone who needs help and has asked for that help explicitly.

Thankfully, I have a good network of support. I have people. Not everyone does though and those are the people that I worry about. Mental health issues are real issues. We need to do better. I am sick of hearing about people harming others and themselves because their mental health needs were not addressed. Unfortunately, as I have learned all too well over the past months, mental health needs are the last ones to be addressed by our healthcare system. It's shameful. But, if you've experienced what I have, don't give up. Keep reaching out and eventually someone will take your hand.

Cheers, Jackie

Shifting, Changing, Moving, Growing

Can I just say, "LIKE WOW!" because the universe, she is a shifting, changing, moving and growing. I am going with it. With the flow!

I loathe to start out with this, but what happened to the weather?! Why is it so cold? Why did it start snowing so early? Why is it so dark all the time? I fully realize that I live in Canada and the winters are brutal, but they usually don't start at the beginning of November in my neck of the urban jungle. Hopefully this frigid weather is just a sign for all of us to wake up and smell the crisp, cold air! The seasons, they are changing.

My family is growing! It is officially baby season. Well, baby season started a little while back when my new little niece was born to Jay's brother and sister-in-law. Now, my sister is ready to pop! Little baby Chalmers is scheduled to come out of mommy's nether regions THIS WEEKEND! So exciting! I hope he or she comes on time. We're all sick of waiting!!

Uncle Jay and T at the Toronto Santa Claus Parade!

A nice little family pic at the Metro Toronto Zoo!

To help mommy and daddy relax before the new baby comes, Jay and I had T over for a sleepover this weekend. Holy crap, can that girl go! The zoo, crafts, dance parties, Care Bears movies, karaoke, walks, hot chocolate runs, and The Santa Claus Parade! Jay and I even had one parental argument, but we really tried not to fight in front of the child. That's just not good parenting, ya know!?!

All-in-all, it was an awesome weekend with two of my favourite people. And, I got to go to The Santa Claus Parade, which I had never done before. For a girl that enjoys glittery, shiny trinkets and things, the parade really sparkled! But, don't get me started on the adults there. Not worth my time and energy to bitch about their behaviours. In short, it was embarrassing and inappropriate on so many levels! Parades, especially ones that involve Santa, are for kids people! DUH!

I can honestly say, that in addition to all of the changes around me, I am experiencing some real internal shifts as well. My mindset is shifting in good ways. I have finally made peace with the fact that my career path is going to change sooner rather than later. It might not be a dramatic change all at once, but I am definitely making steps towards my future goals outside of the teaching profession.

This first step has been to realize that my happiness outweighs the nagging doubts I have within myself and hear from others. I have come to terms with the fact that I don't need as much money as I think I do. Why not? Well, if I was happier and more fulfilled in other areas of my life, I bet I wouldn't be trying to stuff the empty hole inside of my chest with designer jeans and boots all the time for one thing! Retail therapy is fun in the moment, but isn't really the best answer to all of life's problems.

I am also coming to realize that I don't need the approval of others. I am a grown up. I am a strong, independent 35-year-old woman. I have traveled the world. I have two degrees. I have a stable long-term relationship. I certainly don't need other people telling me what is best for me. Only I know that!

So, I am moving on. I am moving on from unhappiness. I am moving on from self-doubt. I am moving on from the consumer traps that this world we live in lays out for us. Not completely and not all at once. But, I am moving one step at a time in the right direction.

Cheers! Jackie