Highs and Lows of Learning

This past month has been a crazy blur of workshops, rehearsals, performance and of course work! There is so much to reflect on ~ both high points and low points in the process. The learning curve is steep when you are trying to challenge yourself to be a better you. There are stumbles along the way, but every mistake is an opportunity to learn and change and grow. I hope that is what I've been doing along the way.

Two weekends ago, I spent a Saturday and Sunday participating in workshops as part of the Contemporary Circus Arts Festival of Toronto (CCAFT). This year had a different feeling for me than last year. Unfortunately, I went into this weekend with a negative mindset and I really let it run the show. I went into the day with my injury on my mind and used it as a crutch. I told people about it and used it as an excuse as to why I might not be able to perform on par with other participants. I complained and I whined and after, I was embarrassed by my actions.

My fear of being judged and my fear of being a failure really set the tone for my participation, especially in the silks workshop I took. I wanted everyone to know that I was not an impostor and I should be there. I practically begged people to understand that I was just injured. In reality, the only people that needed to know were me and the instructor. Everyone else was focused on their own practice. They weren't pointing fingers at me and whispering to friends. These thoughts were all in my head. They were my problem. I am happy that I can reflect back and that I know that now. I wish I had have known it then. I could have gotten much more out of the day.

The following week began with rehearsals for the Nuit Blanche performance of Glaciology. I had signed up for this project knowing that it would be challenging for me. I have been working on my touch aversion for quite some time and while it is improving greatly and I do enjoy a hug from friends now, I still do not like to be touched by strangers. The idea of being a part of a 50-person human glacier rolling through the streets of Toronto really challenged this part of me. I REALLY wanted to be a part of Glaciology though because without challenge, there is no growth. I want to grow. I want to become a better me. So I rolled on.

Day one was emotional. I had a hard time getting into the mix and found myself on the periphery of the glacier most of the time. Even then, I had to remove myself from the group to collect myself. On more than one occasion I questioned whether or not I could be a part of this project. But, I didn't want this to be a repeat of CCAFT, so I continued with rehearsals and the final performance and I was so proud of myself. I spent the better part of 8 hours in that group. I was able to coil and connect with my fellow performers. I was able to take on their weight and allow myself to body surf the group too. I felt safe and secure and warm within the group, even though it was a damp and cold October evening and we were rolling on concrete and through puddles. The next day I was tired and I was sore, but I had accomplished something that I didn't think I would be able to do. I don't know how I could ever worry about touching a stranger again! Hugs for everyone!!

If I had remembered last year, I would have realized that post-performance lows are the norm. My most seasoned performer friends have told me that they still feel that low after a big performance. I should have expected this past week to be difficult. I didn't, but it was. The students in my class were difficult. My mood was low. There were racial discussions that went against my own personal beliefs. They bothered me and other students I teach. I told parents. They were unresponsive. I got lower. There was bullying. I tried to deal with it. The students' refusal to take responsibility for their actions and there outright lies were upsetting. More parental indifference.

What am I to do? I am feeling helpless. I am feeling useless. I want to help this group of students to grow and to learn. Some of them are going off to high school next year. They seem to fight me though. They seem to be happy to stare at their phones and resist my attempts to engage them in their education. In the end, I need to ensure that I continue to do my job to the best of my abilities and it's like the old saying goes: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." If I continue to  allow the actions of others, even the action of my students and their parents, chip away at my own well-being, I am the one who is going to suffer in the end. My goal for now is to work on ways to improve my own resilience so that I can deal with these frustrating work situations in a healthier way. My new outlook is to hope that I can plant a seed in even one student's head and one day that seed will grow into something beautiful.

This is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and despite the lows that I experience, I know that I have much to be grateful for in my life. I was reminded of this yesterday in an unexpected place, the Puralator Courier Pick Up Centre. There, I meet a lovely woman. She was joyous, for lack of a better word. During our discussion she told me about her son. He had Down Syndrome and had died 5 years ago while battling cancer. Despite her loss, she said she was grateful for the time she had with him and was content that he was at rest now and he didn't suffer any longer. If she can find gratitude in this situation, then I know that I can work through my own lows to become a stronger, better me. We ended our conversation in that Puralator Office with a hug.

("The Inbetween" by Beartooth. This song is a bit of how I feel ~ highs, lows and not getting lost in the inbetween.)

Happy Thanksgiving All,
Jackie

Back to School

The first day of school is over for another year. There was no need for me to toss and turn last night. There was no need to fret about the alarm going off this morning. There was no last-minute task that I had forgotten. I didn't even have to pick out an outfit because we all wore our staff shirts today. The day that I had eagerly anticipated and often dreaded came and went with very little fanfare.

This doesn't mean that there wasn't drama, but I am getting used to drama. Drama can be dealt with. Drama can be settled. I am thankful that the tussle that played out on the basketball court was just two boys posturing and a quick call home to parents dealt with it. I am thankful none of my students were stabbed and they all went home safely at the end of the day. Not everyone was so lucky today.

Am I overjoyed that some of my new students seem less than pleased with their placement? No, I am not. Do I understand that this is a normal reaction and change is difficult for some kids? Yes, I do. I know that coming back from a long vacation is mentally and emotionally exhausting. There are the kids you don't like. There are the kids that don't like you. There might be a bully. Math is hard. Art isn't your thing. The teacher hates you.

Even friends can be demanding if you haven't seen them in a while. Everyone is going to ask you how your summer went and sometimes summer didn't go so great. And, even if it did go fantastically, telling the same anecdotes over and over again can be a drag. I get it. I really do.

Tomorrow will get a little easier though. We'll all get to know each other a little better. The split won't seem so dire. Friends will still be there at recess and after school. The days will march on and before we know it, the calendar will change and it will be Thanksgiving, and then Christmas (Winter) Break, the New Year and so on. Time marches on and we might as well enjoy it and make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves in on this, the first day of school.

You might think I sound melancholy. You might ask yourself, is she happy? I am, but I am also exhausted and will be exhausted from now until next summer. It was hot today - sticky, cloudy, humid and HOT! Since the sun refused to come out and shine for us today (and I couldn't go to the beach), I brought a little of that warmth into the classroom myself.

Cheers to a new year,
Jackie

Birthday Gratitudes

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 36 years old. This is a time in a woman's life where she can get sad because she's getting wrinkles and pimples at the same time, or embrace how much smarter and better she becomes with age! I choose the later, even though I really do hate getting pimples and wrinkles at the same time!!

I was sitting at my computer and responding back to all of the great people that took a moment out of their day yesterday to write a post on my facebook page wishing me the best on my birthday. I think it's important to acknowledge that time they took to think about me. It's pretty awesome! As I was writing, I thought to myself that I have so much to be grateful for. I'm not one to get gushy, but I thought I'd put together a little something to show my gratitude for my wonderful life and the wonderful people in it! 

1. I am grateful for my home, good food to eat, clean water to drink, the clothes that I wear, warmth in the winter and air conditioning in the summer. Many people in the world do not enjoy these basic necessities that many of us take for granted.

2. I am grateful for my overall health. Yes, I have aches and pains. Yes, as I age it takes a bit longer to bounce back from injuries, but I have been lucky in life with my health. I've never had to battle a debilitating disease, or fight for my life in hospital. My body still allows me to walk around every day, and challenge myself physically.

3. I am grateful for my family. Sometimes they drive me nuts, but I am grateful every day that they are on this planet and I can call them up and hear their voices. I have had friends who have lost close family members this past year. I can't imagine what that must be like and I am happy that, for now, I have not had to learn that difficult life lesson.

4. I am grateful for my friends. I am not the type of person that has a million friends. I have a few awesome people in my life. They challenge me. They support me. They make me laugh. They make me think. They may live halfway across the world or just down the street. I may see them weekly, or it may be years between our visits, but I know we will pick up right where we left off.

5. I am grateful for my awesome partner in crime. He's been around for a long time ~ 14 years or so to be exact. We've survived a long distance relationship. We've supported each other through health problems. We cuddle on the couch every night. We always have something to talk about. We support each other. We spoil each other. It's not always a walk in the park and there are times that we really don't see eye-to-eye, but we know how to work through those problems and become a stronger couple.

6. I am grateful to have good, steady employment. At the best of times, my job is very fulfilling. I feel like I've made a difference. At the worst of times, it pays the bills and allows me to enjoy the things in life that I don't get paid for (e.g., aerial work!), that make my time on this planet better and rewarding. I don't have to worry about a layoff or downsizing. I have a creative job. It's never boring. It always keeps me on my toes.

7. I am grateful for writing. The fact that even a few people take time out of their day to read my ramblings is awesome. I love to write and even though I didn't become that famous rock journalist that I dreamed of being when I was a teenager, I appreciate having this medium to share my thoughts and ideas.

8. I am grateful to be Canadian. We can criticize our government for it's downfalls. I encourage that discourse. And, because we live here, we can do that with relative safety and security. Although I live in the largest city in the country, I don't walk down the streets at night fearful. There is no war waging outside of my window. My sister doesn't have to worry about her children being kidnapped and held for ransom. We should be proud to be Canadian. We are lucky to live here in this big,
beautiful country. We do need to fight to protect the values it stands for and the environment that we enjoy here. So, go out and vote in October!

I am sure that there is so much more that I am missing. This is only the tip of the iceberg. I know this because I am a very lucky person and my life is pretty freaking great! I have to remember this when I get angry and frustrated and my mind threatens to shut out all of this good stuff. I suppose now that it's published, I can come back and read it if that time does roll around.

Cheers, Jackie

Communication - Use It or Lose It

I am soooo far behind in my writing. Considering that I've been off of work for the past several weeks, I should have been able to complete writing about my vacation to NYC at the very least! I am going to skip all of that though because there has been something bothering me lately.

I've spent the better part of the last year challenging myself to take risks and try things that I normally wouldn't have tried in the past. This has turned out quite swimmingly in some instances, and quite the opposite in others.

One such risk that I took recently was to participate in a conference for my school board. I had applied to facilitate a four-day workshop for fellow educators. I really didn't think that I would be hired, but I was and so I set about working with a colleague who had facilitated in previous years to create my presentation. The idea behind the conference is that teachers experienced in a certain grade lead others who are new to teaching or new to teaching a certain grade through a collaborative planning process. Ideas are shared. Resources are created. It's a really great idea and beneficial for all parties if carried out effectively. 

As the conference approached, I put finishing touches on the presentation that I had put several hours of work into, revised and refined ideas where I could and read through it again and again so I would be prepared. I was happy with my work and I was ready!

Long story short, my workshop did not go over well with a contingent of participants. They had entered the conference believing that resources would be "given" to them. They were not happy with having to discuss, plan and create resources together. On the first day, one participant approached the organizers of the conference and complained about my approach. The organizers were supportive of me and she ended up leaving.

I began the next day with a frank discussion with the group. We are all colleagues, I said. As a professional courtesy, if you have an issue with anything that I am doing in this workshop, I would appreciate it very much if you would speak with me before approaching the organizers. I can't know that there is a problem if no one speaks to me. I also mentioned that I realize difficult conversations are, well, difficult, but this was my first year facilitating and I would appreciate any constructive criticism and I would not take it personally.

Guess what? Over the next days, 3 other people did the exact same damn thing as that first woman. Instead of speaking with me, they complained to the organizers. They complained that I wasn't "providing resources" and instead we were discussing "good teaching practices" and how we apply them to the grade and planning together. Imagine! Thankfully, the organizers still supported me, but I was/am pissed off that these people were still too cowardly to approach me directly.

I am not necessarily surprised though. I have noticed lately that discourse and debate are slowly being weeded out of certain areas of my life, and not in a good way. I recently had to remove facebook from my phone because I could not stomach much of what I read on the platform. People that I've know for ages and like are acting very childish when it comes to ideas that do not exactly line up with their own. When someone challenges their beliefs in any way they automatically unfriend them. They do not want people in their lives that do not hold their exact beliefs. Huh? Isn't the exchange of ideas and debate what makes life and friendships interesting? If you surround yourself with people that act and think exactly like you, wouldn't life be pretty boring?

I mentioned these issues to my sister yesterday as we celebrated my birthday. My sister is a very smart woman and tends not to react to issues the same way that I do, so I always appreciate her advice and thoughts. She said that people's ability to communicate with one another is something that is not being nurtured in the age of social media. People hide behind social media comments and emails because they are afraid of the consequences of voicing an opposing idea or confronting someone with a problem. She mentioned times that she has tried this and it has backfired because on the other end of the dialogue the person she is talking to does not know how to receive criticism without being hurt or angry. Then, the situation becomes worse, so why bother? It's easier to "unfriend" someone or just keep your opinions to yourself.

I think this is so sad. We need to be able to have difficult conversations. We need to know that our ideas are not everyone's ideas, and so long as those ideas don't hurt another person, or group it's OK to have and share them with others. We need to be able to debate with one another. I want to know an issue from a variety of perspectives so that I can evaluate the validity of those perspectives and adjust or amend my ideas accordingly. That's what we call critical thinking! Only looking at ideas from one point of view is very narrow-minded and I don't want to be a narrow-minded person!

At the same time, if I am talking shit I want someone to tell me! Call me out on my crap. If I don't completely grasp what you are trying to tell me, let me know. Do it constructively and provide feedback so I can change and grow. I will do the same thing for you! That's called growth mindset people and it's not a bad thing. I won't cut you out of my life because you don't think I am right all of the time. I'm not! You're not either.

Communication is so important in all of our relationships - friendships, partners, business. Use it or lose it. When it's gone, it might be harder than you think to get it back.

Cheers!
Jackie

Tangled, Untangled and Tangled Again

As the end of the school year drew to a close last week, the principal of my school sent the staff a reflective email detailing all of the accomplishments and successes of the school year. She noted that she had learned so much throughout this year and posed the question to the staff: What did you learn this year?

As a human, I have been pretty resistant to change in my life. Let's be honest, change is hard and it is much easier to settle into our route (or rut) of existence and stay the course. This year wasn't like that for me. I have tried to embrace change and growth. Along the way, I have learned a few things:

1. The change you want is not always the change you get. I've gotten myself caught up in this trap a few times over the years. The grass is always greener on the other side. I just need a fresh perspective and things are going to be so much different. Sure. Things might be different, but you might not like how they're different! The reality is, looking for happiness outside of yourself is a surefire way to find disappointment! I think this lesson has finally sunk in and helped me to understand this next lesson;

2. If you truly want change, you have to change yourself. Throughout my life, I've be-bopped around and found myself in one mess or another. Sometimes things aren't even a mess. They're just not what I've wanted. Damned unhappiness following me around like a rain cloud. I've always been quick to blame the other person, place, or thing getting in the way of my happiness. What did I do to deserve this? Why can't it just go away?! This year, I've learned that I may be putting myself in these situations through the choices that I'm making. Imagine! By not realizing this and not taking responsibility for my own actions, nothing changes and I get angry/upset/frustrated. When these feelings get too overwhelming, I run away again. I'm still angry and upset, the situation is just new. Which led me to my next lesson;

3. Being angry doesn't help. This one's a big one as I'm a pretty angry person. This year I was asked to question where that anger had gotten me lately. Did it make me happier in the end to fly off the handle? The answer was, it doesn't really help or make me feel better. Many times after an outburst, I feel embarrassed and apologetic. These days, I try to stop and think before I meltdown. I've actually used the words I say to myself to my students to help them through their anger, especially if it's something small. By stopping and thinking "Is this problem worth the upset?" or "Who is being hurt here by your anger - you or the other person?" or "Why are you choosing to let this small person/thing/occurrence ruin your day?" I'm not claiming that a "positive mindset" can cure all of your woes. I still get angry. I still meltdown. Try small steps though and see how you feel.

4. Looking at yourself critically and trying to change is always risky. Don't be afraid to take risks. I've put myself out there time and again this year and it feels great. Whether its been by questioning an authority figure (in a respectful way of course) about their own equity practices, or just being willing to openly and unashamedly hug my friends, I've been taking risks this year. I've performed in front of hundreds of people at Nuit Blanche. I've performed in front of my mentors at Aertime. I've pushed through injuries to become a stronger and better aerialist. I've been writing about my successes and defeats here on this blog. I've worked with young people teaching aerial this year for the first time, and I've submitted proposals to be involved in more epic adventures with the great artists of this city.

Yesterday, I performed a piece for the third time. It's not often that I have an opportunity to perform the same piece for different audiences. My first run through ended in a tangled mess. I had to come down and start again. Surprisingly, I wasn't upset. I was able to shake it off and get up there and take on that creature again and win! I was pretty damned proud of myself!  I've realized that my self-worth isn't teethered to any one aspect of my life. As long as I'm imperfect, I have lots of room to grow and learn and change. We all do :)

Things look like they're going well, but really I'm all tangled up!
It's kinda like life, isn't it?!

Cheers!

Jackie

Moonlighting (Again) for Circus Sessions

While my day consisted of marking math tests, trying desperately to get some 12 year old children to be socially-aware citizens of the world, and asking a student if he had to poop because his tummy hurt, some of the best people I know began a week of circus-y exploration and collaboration. I'm super-duper jealous because Circus Sessions began today!

While I may not be in the mix or in the air, I have been involved in Circus Sessions in my own way. I've now written two blog posts for Circus Sessions, profiling two of the collaborators and genres of circus that will be focused on during the week. My first post, featuring artist Greg Tarlin and the art of object manipulation, was published on April 9, 2015, and be found here. My most recent post was published today and featured artist Zita Nyarady and the art of clowning. It can be found here.

When Holly Treddenick, one of the co-directors of Circus Sessions, sent out the call on facebook for writers, I jumped at the chance to write about circus. My first degree is in Journalism, but I don't often find (or seek) the opportunity to get my work published anywhere but here on my own blog. To be honest, I had hoped that I would get to write about aerial, but I'm happy that I didn't get that chance. I've learned so much more by writing about two art forms that I didn't know or understand well previously!

I'm taking a few days off from training this week to rest a tweaky neck/shoulder/arm. I need to be in tip top shape for all of the fun circus adventures that are coming up in the next couple of months! I wish all of the artists taking part in Circus Sessions a great week. I'm looking forward to seeing what you all come up with for your final collaboration performance this Friday night!

Photo Credit: Circus Session Facebook page

Cheers,
Jackie

Object Manipulation II: I Dropped the Ball!

Juggling. I can juggle responsibilities. I can juggle tasks. I can juggle a room full of kids asking me questions at the same time. What I can't do is juggle. It's hard!

On Tuesday afternoon, I had the opportunity to learn juggling from none other than Greg Tarlin. You may remember him from the blog post I wrote for Circus Sessions a while back. He's kind of a good juggler. Sort of amazing actually. And, I imagine he's a great teacher, but I am not a stellar student! Nope. No indeed.

For the past few Tuesday afternoons, I've been working with a group teaching them beginner aerial silks through the Talk to Youth Lately programme provided by Look Up Theatre's head mistress, Angola Murdoch. It's been an amazing experience on so many levels. I am so happy to working with the group and to finally be able to teach a bit of aerial. It's kinda been a dream of mine! Also, because it is a social circus group, I've been learning so much about dealing with mental illness and the struggles that the people in the group face on a daily basis. It's really very humbling to be a part of this and to learn from them as well.

This Tuesday was different though. Greg was there and Angola asked me if I'd like to learn how to juggle. Of course I said "yes!" and so it began. I was the only participant who had never ever juggled before. Some had only tried juggling a few times though, and it seemed like they had caught on, so I was confident I could too!

Don't get me wrong, Greg's instruction was clear and great and seemed to make perfect sense. We started with two balls, which aren't actually balls. They're like densely packed bean bags really. Greg's advice:

1. Hold your arms by your side and make a 90 degree angle at your elbows. Relax your shoulders (I think that's a thing, but mine can't/won't relax - Yikes!) and hold the balls in either hand.
2. Picture a square in front of you. Mark an imaginary X through the square. Easy enough!
3. Toss the balls to the opposite corner - so the ball in my left hand (which is my dominant hand for some reason when I play "sports" like golf, baseball and now juggling) is tossed to the top right corner.
4. When the first ball reaches the top of its arch, toss the second ball in to the opposite corner. Ideally, you catch both balls.

Doesn't that sound easy! It's only two balls! Honestly, I was tossing those balls all over the place. Too low, too high, too far in front, too far behind. And, I was catching very few. A third ball. Out of the question!

I thought I'd read somewhere when I was researching for my blog post that most people could learn to juggle in about an hour?! LIARS! Everyone was awesomely supportive though. As they tossed 3, 4 or 5 balls through the air, they told me how well I was progressing. Angola saw me struggling and told me it took her weeks of intense learning and practicing to learn to juggle.

The perfectionist in me was struggling. Do I give up because I'm bad? Do I push on and try to improve? What to do?!

Greg told me to push like any good coach would! Add a third ball, he said. Try the drop technique. Hey, I was already good at dropping the ball, so why not give said technique a try. All I had to do was throw the balls up in the air in the correct pattern - left, right left - and let them drop. Ideally, two will drop in front of me on my right fairly close to each other and one on the left. That's a pattern I can handle. And, I did. His advice - don't get stuck with two balls. Go back and forth and try to progress.

Stellar advice. Don't get stuck! I'm so happy that I was able to meet Greg in person after interviewing him over the internet. I'm happy I was finally able to try juggling. I will try again too. Some day, I might even be able to juggle more than a busy schedule!

Cheers,

Jackie